Term 4

No, I didn't quit.

Things are actually getting better! Term 3 was an absolute bastard, ending (on the last day) with another student death.

Hawaiian day in the last week of term was the highlight I can remember as well as getting fish in the classroom (that didn't last long!) and a visit from farm animals.

This term I am getting more support and feeling a lot better about things. The Domestic Goddess continues to support me in understanding what I am doing in the classroom by instinct. I am going to visit a mainstream prep class on Tuesday which will be great. The new AP is fantastic and has been very supportive. It has been great to get to know her better.

I finally feel like I am finding my place at the school but still needing to find my place as a teacher. It's a bit of a growing up process and growing up is never easy!

I'll do a student update soon.

Things are very busy this term with lots of paper to fill in, but I will try to update how the kids are doing soon.

Vale

Sh*t, where to begin?

Things have been going down hill this year. Friday, I took the day off to get myself organised and try to feel like I had my sh*t together. Then I get a phone call that another student has died. This time it was expected but it doesn't make it much easier. This sent me into a nasty downward spiral.

The weekend wasn't pretty and I am having most of this week off work to get myself together again. I don't know how this started, maybe the stress of a new job in a stressful field, lack of support when I started, difficulty of dealing with very emotional circumstances and connections, exhausting my natural reserves of coping ability... I don't know.

What I do know is that last term I made the decision not to run away from this. So, it has lead to me needing more help to get through it but I think in the long run it is a healthier option. I could keep running all my life, when I hit that wall, but for some reason I don't want to this time. Under all the pain that may be circumstance, maybe my biology, I like the job I have and think things will get better.

Maybe I'm foolhardy?

PS: Sleeping Beauty is in hospital again. Same as last time, well sedated. I am not hugely worried but long term it's not a happy senario.

Lice not so nice

It's been a good weekend for washing... I've done all the bedding etc and really hope that I've caught the little beasties before they can consider a full scale outbreak! Yep, one of my kids has head lice and after itching at the thought, I decided to take steps to eradicate! I only found a couple of dead adults and maybe a few eggs - once you start scraping cells from your scalp it's a bit hard to tell and really hard to check your own hair to see if there are any still clinging on to your hair... Sigh. The joys of working with children. At least now they have stuff based on essential oils available and preventive sprays with less of the same stuff... I think I'll keep using that on a regular basis as this is the third time kids in my class have had head lice given to them by siblings.

Other things this week...

Felt great this weekend as my week was quite quiet. Goldilocks was sick and off school for three days making my life very quiet. Snow White had an appointment and then was off sick and Sleeping Beauty is barely there anyway.

To be honest I had a bit of a sook this week and it was all about me... I had a wee freak out about maybe, perhaps, possibly teaching actually being what I am good at and enjoy and something I may want to commit to for a bit... It's hard to give up being directionless after so many years, it requires angst to make a big change like that. I hate this growing up thing.

Erk... my cat has bad breath even if he is adorably cute.

The change in my self doubt level and sooky-sooky-la-la level occurred with two events. The Domestic Goddess, whom I admire greatly as a teacher, says she always leaves my class on a Wednesday feeling inadequate... This wasn't enough in itself to shake me from my self doubt, because I didn't understand why. When, with great exasperation, she gave me a run down of my lesson in edu speak I suddenly thought, wow! I did all that? I did, didn't I? My lesson was pretty good. It hasn't done me any good people telling me I'm good when I can't see how. As I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing, the compliments were defeated by my self doubt. The concrete evidence worked. I can make things good instinctively, I just need some more knowledge to see it. Yay for having a mentor type person able to do that for me! I must remember to tell her this next week and thank her.

The sook undoer was talking with the school psychologist. The important bit I took from our conversation about growing up and direction was the thought that even tough my job has presented good and bad sides, I really care about it. This has got to be better (even the bad bits) than all the jobs I haven't given a stuff for. I've been good at them, but never really cared. Good and bad has to beat apathy and boredom.

Had a meeting with my new official mentor, the new AP, and the principal during the week. It was good even though I was still sooky and full of self doubt, I have no concerns about having a job there next year and they seem very keen to accommodate my desires if I wish to move to a different bit of the school. Good to know... although at the time when they asked directly what I wanted to do next year I just whined that I didn't know.

I bought a dishwasher on eBay and my life feels more in control already and the house is tidier, the garden is blooming and the sun was shining. All good.

Because she is 6.

That is the most common reply to any questions I ask about the behaviour of my students. However, it may also be the reason that last Friday Cinderella brought me a posy of flowers in from lunchtime play. Awwwwwww!





This week has been a bit of an exhausting blur. I probably shouldn't have gone back on Wednesday. Not really well enough to face the demands of a day at school. All teaching is hard work but mine is physically very demanding. By Friday I was zonked and got quite cranky at assembly. Made Little Red Riding Hood cry by telling her to be quiet when she was already in a fragile state, rather than just being naughty, will have to have a chat to Cinderella about being rude by not clapping other people's achievements etc., and on top of that had to wrestle Goldilocks for at least half the time. She was quite good and will improve, but it's not that interesting and she needs more physical stimulation than sitting for 45 minutes will give her. I hate being Ms Crankypants!

Snow White only managed one day this week, being sick herself and Sleeping Beauty was only in for half a day on Wednesday and a third on Friday. SB did well though, was very excited to be back and very vocal. The use of PECS is going well despite very little input from my speechie (yeah, I'm a little disappointed about that). She was getting grumpy at the computer, so I handed her the book and she grabbed a picture of her lunchbox. I undid her seatbelt and told her to go to her table and sit down whilst getting the trainee who helps in that session to get her lunch out. SB sat and ate some cheese sticks - no dramas. It was great that we could make that progress without too much of a issue. I hope we can make it work with toileting too. I hate having to put the seatbelts on any of my kids but I don't have enough help to do otherwise in the classroom safely. At least this gives her more opportunity to tell us what she wants.

The cat is the best addition to my life this year and we are learning ways of sharing the lap between the computer and the snoozing cat - with me still being able to type...

Another thing I am thinking about this weekend - other than making books about recent events that reinforce Dolch 1 words - is the emotional cost of teaching in this environment and whether it is worth it. I hear so much about how crap first year teaching is, from so many sources, that I think (hope) next year will be better. This is assuming with 18 kids leaving the senior school and only a handful coming in that they will have a job for me when my contract ends. I think no matter where I taught, even if it were at a high school teaching science, I would be plagued with the want to be better at it. This can be a good thing in that I will continue to learn and improve, but I need to find ways of lessening the self doubt and damaging perfectionism. If there is a job, I will give this another year to improve. If they want to keep me, I am going to push hard for them to make team teaching happen for me so I have someone to learn from and to take some of the pressure off. That's the plan this week.

I haven't even started dealing with my registration dramas yet... won't think about that now.

The Domestic Goddess reckons I should have a school free Sunday. I'll try, but if I catch up with friends they always ask and if I'm at home alone it just creeps in. I will try.



PECS: Picture Exchange Communication System

Stoked!

Ok, so this happened last Thursday and I was so happy I could have burst! It's taken a while but after my grumpy episode, it feels like a big bright yellow up yours! It goes all the way around the primary school and just beyond our doors. It has so many great possibilities for mobility and left/right concepts. Everyone was buzzing when it suddenly appeared. I feel really proud that I have been able to make change.

ick!

Took my first sick day yesterday (and did it again today). I should have done it last term but at that point I was worried that if I took a day off I wouldn't come back. After a weekend on the couch, it had to happen.

It's hard leaving the the kids to someone else. Really hard. I guess I'm just a big control freak or really believe that they (they who?) will find out I'm no good and any Tom, Dick or Harriette could do my job better.

What I really wanted to write about today was the emotional journey of teaching... but with the antibiotics and painkillers my brain isn't working quite as it should, so I won't. If it were just a sicky I was taking today then I would feel justified in taking the time to reflect on my teaching practice.

What I did do today to get off the couch and convince myself that I was well enought o go back to work tomorrow was drive out to Monash and get some info on applying for a Masters of Ed in special and inclusive ed. I must be mad!

1st Outing!

Yup, I bit the bullet and took the little monkeys on an excursion. Not a full blown permission notes job, but what our school calls 'community access'... Going down the street for a bit. I let all the parents know, took all the emergency medications, let about a million people know I was going, then went! The kids had a great time, we looked at the birds, frogs, lizards, snakes, turtles and many, many fish. And we bought 5 to put in our tank at school. I so hope they are alive tomorrow. (and until I get a lid for my second hand tank I will now be paranoid that a taller visitor to my room will drown in the tank... Ta for that thought B2!).

Math session with help of the Domestic Goddess was ok. I got her to work with the newies who I have trouble working out whether they actually get numbers or not. She has decided that next week she will lead me in parallel doing diagnostics things on a math concept to see where they are at and to teach me how to do it. I LOVE having her in my room. I have a few more hands in the early part of the session and the others did sheets. It was the first time I have had Little Red Riding Hood do sheets and apparently she was really focused and into it - YAY! It's good for her pen holding skills too. The sheet I gave Cinderella looked good but if you read the questions it didn't work as you were supposed to colour one section two colours in answer to separate questions...

In the second half I finally cracked, parked them in front of a TV and showed a video. I felt like a bad teacher. Videos seem like such a cop out to me. But we'd had a big day and it was a kids video about pets growing up from babies. We got through puppies, kittens and fish. I think we have hamsters to go? I talked to various colleagues to help me get over the guilt. I am so silly sometimes.

Sleeping Beauty is in hospital. Had so many seizures that she had to be sedated and hospitalised. It's a worry.

Long time between... posts.

Not sure where to begin this...

I am a lot more relaxed in class because I have let a lot of stuff go after experiencing my first student death. Kids learn better when they are having fun, these kids have enough problems without me stressing about their day. We'll have more fun and I will aim for them to learn something during it and look for teachable moments.

I like the concept of teachable moments. To me it means taking hold of the time when a kid asks you a question about something that they want to know. Who cares if it's off topic. My kids don't stall or attempt to distract you with conversation... yet (with the notable exception of “It's a lovely day, isn't it?” - it could be freezing and wet but she knows you're not happy with her...). Keeping a sharp eye out for these moments means that you know the students are taking something in, learning something that is meaningful to them. They'll keep that far longer than trying to drum into them what I think is important for their 6 year old life.

Big issue is trying to eliminate baby talk. Will not be tolerating “I do that/it/x,y,z?” or “'puter”. There are now two magic words that need to be used when trying to persuade the teacher that you ought to be allowed to do something... CAN and PLEASE. Also, no one uses the 'puter, ask if you CAN use the computer PLEASE and you might be lucky.

This week despite me trying to move on to G will contain many F'y things. Tomorrow a farm is coming to visit, Wednesday we will go get our fish (I spoke to the guy at the shop this evening and it's all coming together – YAY!) and on Thursday I have decided that since Fireman Fred fights fires with foam, we will do some science and make foam extinguishers! Just bicarb and vinegar in a bottle with a small hole at the top, they are 6, it should be cool.

For G we will grow things and measure them for math. We will make grass skirts for when we get to H and Hawaiian day! I may even give myself a break and let them watch a video on how animals grow. This would be cool after the farm as they are all baby animals and we have been reading 'Spot goes to the Farm' about baby and grown animals too.

I still have major anxiety about whether I am doing a good enough job of teaching. I hope I will learn one day to accept I am good at this job. Enough other people seem to think so. I don't want to think I am sh*t hot or no longer aim to improve and learn but it would be nice to be comfortable in my job.

Not much of the other stuff I usually complain about has changed.

I am happy I can type with the cat curled up in my lap.

I am slowly getting more towards evening up the balance issues in my life but still feel guilty for doing no school work on the weekend. Am finding time for the pub on a Wednesday evening after belly dancing as long as I have no more than two pints and leave by 11 at the latest. It's great to see some of my mates on a more regular basis though.

Head of primary delivered me 4 rolls of heavy yellow tape with a “Here's you $200 worth of tape.” And I kind of replied, Oh, ok, um, should I get the maintenance guy to put it on? I don't think she was really that happy with me. But I don't really care because it's the kids that should come first and this will be great for them!

Promises, promises.

First thing this morning I met the Principal in the corridor. I knew she was in the corridor and had tried to rehearse something to say but nothing worked. I think I went with um... Morning. Um I have a question, have you got a minute? Anyhow the upshot of our chat was that the new AP was going to come down for my last session as last week it was the community involvement kid and myself and I wasn't looking forward to it being just me. I say was, because it didn't happen. I thought we'd do some sensory math, finding and counting objects in the tubs we have been using with the OT. Coconut, split peas, raw sugar, rice and I made up some ooey gooey soap flakes and water. The Domestic Goddess had popped in before going to get the cooking gig know-how from the incumbent. She helped me settle the class... and I started some calm/boring things. After they lost interest I decided to go ahead with it anyway for part of the time. Oh my god, the mess! Goldilocks like the noise that happened when the contents of the bucket were liberated onto the table... Luckily the goo was so thick that when she turned the bucket up nothing came out! If I'd had one on one it could have been quite cool. Instead, it was kind of manic. The Domestic Goddess reappeared whilst it was all going wrong. It was great to have her their to a) help me clean up and b)manage the kids. She is so great with them and had some good suggestions about teaching them to wait (that may be harder for me than for them as they get to continue calling my name over and over whilst I ignore it after the first wait I'm busy statement). The cleaning up took ages and the kids were reasonably involved. Little Red Riding Hood really enjoyed the goo. It was everywhere! She won't need soap in the bath tonight! Snow White liked the finer things like the coconut and sugar. Sleeping Beauty was good at getting the objects out and throwing them on the floor.

My math sessions suck. I hope someone will help me plan them better when they understand the extent of my ineptitude... Except I don't want them to think I am inept. Hmm...

Am a bit worried about how I am reacting to my speechie being back. I know I have very high standards for myself (bad thing - constantly never good enough, good thing - always trying to improve) and unfortunately for others. Most people I have to work with at this school meet the standards I set. So far she doesn't cut the mustard and I'm not sure what to do about the way I react to her. Will I be able to let go and let her do her job however she does it? Don't know.

48 Days til holidays

Ok, it's not that bad, really. I'm back to drinking my tea without sugar... (except for last Thursday). It's still a bit sad around the place and I tear up a bit every now and again when I get reminded. I told the kids yesterday. Goldilocks and SB were blowing raspberries at each other, LRRH wasn't concentrating, SW was kind of blank as she often is and Cinderella was concerned for a few seconds and then was onto something else. It was harder for me than for them, I think. SB's mother brought in a great book about lifetimes, perhaps it's called Lifetimes? It has beautiful illustrations and is designed to tell kids about death... and life. I guess at 6 it's not that real. I won't go to the funeral on Thursday. I am very bad at funerals and I am told kid's ones are the worst. I think I will avoid them until the day it's a kid in my class or one that I have taught.

So far this week... Monday was ok. The pool was open but we didn't have enough people to swim all the kids. After talking with Dolly we decided that since I could swim 2 of mine on Friday and one of them had forgotten her bathers. I sent them to Dolly and they did girl things... They went home with blue streaks in their hair, glitter nail polish and flowers in their hair. As much as it is never going to happen in my room, LRRH's hands were the flattest I have seen them in ages as she showed people her nail polish. I guess any means of getting her to stretch her hands that works is fine by me.

The cat is going mental under a cover I have on a couch. I hope he settles down by the time I want to buy a decent couch. That's a fair way away... he may grow up by then.

Today was fine. Still feel disorganised but am loathe to bring work home. Physical program was interesting... Goldilocks was rarely NOT seeking sensory input but did ok once we shifted onto the bikes. Swapped SW onto Cinderella's bike and she hooned around, so much easier to pedal. Convinced Cinders that a pink bike would do her fine and she didn't complain probably because it was pink and I wasn't making her use the scooter any more.

Tomorrow is not really well planned towards the math end of the day and I'm not sure if I'm going to get any help. I will try to ask up at admin if they can find anyone for me, otherwise I'll be alone. The Domestic Goddess, back from overseas, said she was going to come in to check out what she needs to do to cook for next week and that she might come in to play with my class in the arvo. I really don't expect her to do this, unpaid, jet lagged, but I would love it, whatever state she's in...

Actually, I have all sorts of ideas, plans and sheets for the math session centered on the animal theme, but without enough hands I don't think much of it will work.

Things are feeling better in general. Not sure what the change is, lots of things, I guess...
This week: Staying.

Vale (What a week!)

Where to start? Monday, I guess. Not such a great day, miserable mood, despite much planning during the holidays I discovered that you can't plan for robots. My kids were themselves. Perhaps even worse because they were so excited about being back at school – weird to be 6, huh? At least I must be doing something right if they love being at school that much. The pool wasn't ready to be used so we missed yet another swim. My community involvement student is ok, and apparently there are worse, but I have had better and in my frantic first day back mood I probably wasn't doing her many favours. Cinderella had a sore tooth and didn't look well. Got the nurse to call home but we couldn't get hold of mum to give her an analgesic. Was grumpy at the Principal (are they supposed to get a capital letter? It'd feel rude not to...) after school. Oops.

Tuesday was better. I had lots of free time to get my shit back together. Sleeping Beauty was sick all holidays and is not herself at the moment. Doesn't run down the corridors, not even throwing stuff around with any commitment. Feeling a bit better about things – perhaps I was just feeling resigned to more of the same and hoping for better time in some distant future that would arrive if I could just hang on. Cinderella much happier, medicated before school! Part of the playground has finally been finished and as it was sunny I managed to cram 5 kids on to a springed see-saw. They loved it!

I don't know whether it is better that I have written this now or if my view of the weeks events is so clouded by the events to be described that I really should have written every day to give each day the truth of how it felt on that day. The first week has just been too exhausting. Maybe I would have if things had been different on Thursday.

Wednesday. Generally one of my worst days of the week, so I was really hoping that admin would come through on their promises to help me out. Ummm... nup. I know they promised me the domestic goddess when she comes back from leave but they didn't replace her this arvo. Cinderella was at the dentist and Sleeping Beauty didn't home for a nap so I had 4 kids at the end of the day with me and the 15yo! The one day I want Snow White to sit still she becomes very active and actually gets out of her chair and interacts with the other kids... by helping them with their drinks like she is feeding a baby and dragging them around by their arms. It was sweet and she was trying but it really wasn't helping me much when I didn't have the good quality help to deal with it. I blame the Krispy Kreme doughnut she had for morning tea! (Ok, she only ate half of it, preferring yoghurt and fruit but it was of great interest to all the big people around. It was iced with brown/chocolate? icing a appeared to have more icing, perhaps, it was white and sugary looking through the centre and dripped onto the bottom. It just looked like a normal choc iced doughnut with extra sugar. Must be great living out that way – may I never have to find out!).

After school I went down to see the psych she was a bit busy so I wandered around getting over the last session chatting to people in the senior school area. One of the teachers up there is a very blokey bloke. We have had some great early morning conversations based around How ya goin? Done this? Nup. You? Nah, not yet. Started it? Na. It's so relaxed talking to him compared to stressy women. He was great! He was so positive! So different to some of the bitter, resigned women working there. He had no reason to get me on his side, wasn't pushing a point of veiw about my situation. Said it was a great place to work better than any other school, that first year teaching was hard, and one day it would be easier, to hang in there because I was smart and creative and the school needed me (Awwww!). A little bit of blokey she'll be right really hit the spot. I hate working in an almost all women environment. A few more can do kind of blokes would make me happier.

Spent ages talking to the psych about the week so far. Decided to do some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) on the pressure I put on myself by expecting myself to be perfect when it is pretty obvious no one else expects this. I guess it's kind of nice that I work in a job that is support by a psychologist and I have the opportunity to sort my own shit out as it affects my work. Probably be good if more people do it but then we'd have to employ her full time!

Thursday. Wasn't looking forward to the staff meeting, it was a bit tense then the Principal came in almost in tears and took B1 out. Then B2 went out and we knew it was bad news. One of the preps in their class apparently died overnight. The aunt had told the bus driver and he had told staff at school. I'm in tears again typing this. She was such a sweet child that I want to put down the good thing I remember about her that make me so sad she is gone. I guess the first thing is that children aren't supposed to die. Even disabled ones. She was happy and healthy yesterday and walking past in the pony walker with B2 on Wednesday. She was usually the first child I'd see each morning. She would reach out her arm and call out to me if I didn't say hello first. She would be waiting in the corridor and some days if I was trying to get my head together I'd stop to chat to her. When I'd change the hall displays out side my room she'd call out and I'd talk to her about what I was doing and bring her over to see. At lunchtime she'd always rather spend time with you than watch the tv. I didn't get to know her well enough to know much more than her 'come here/hello' noises and gestures and now such a bright little spark is gone.

I didn't cope very well, the others knowing this was my first student death picked up the pieces. Dolly took my class and sent me away with a cup of tea to cry. The new AP took over my class for a bit in the second session so I could go talk to the psychologist. They got our usual one and an extra in to talk to people. I cried at her and eventually found out some good ways of telling the kids and dealing with that. (I still haven't told them yet) I guess it brings it home that these are vulnerable kids and the only thing worse would be the possibility of it being one of my students. It reminds me that no matter how much they annoy me, I love them and cannot imagine how I would manage if it happened to one of them. The intensity and depth of feeling I have for these kids frequently surprises me. It will never be just a job.

Friday. A couple of people who weren't at school yesterday were dealing with the news. I still tear up at seeing pictures of her where her bag went every time I come out of my classroom, then I noticed the pictures of her in the hallway - swimming, watching bubbles and balls.

Admin came through and despite not telling me about it, I got more help. A very experienced OT will be in my first session, taken from B1s class who apparently hadn't been told either and wasn't very happy. I only had 3 kids for the day, Snow White is at integration on a Friday and Sleeping Beauty was going to come in at lunch but had been very tired and was still asleep. After yesterday that was worrying me. My sessions weren't great but the counting by tens book that Cinderella is making seems to be a great motivator and she is happy to do it and learning what I want her to. Middle session we tried to do some math but Goldilocks was being herself very loudly and didn't want to be involved so I sent her for a walk around the corridors. I had to get very grumpy with her after throwing and kicking blocks around.

The student's teacher came to see them and it was cool to talk to her. It's nice getting an outsiders perspective of how nice an environment I work in. I think I get so involved in my own misery that I forget how much better this place is than a grungy high school. The student had to do a project so I set her up with making a big book of the one we are using at the moment. She put heaps of work into it and I was so excited it was hard to write some professional sounding comments for her! It was something I would never have found time for but will be great for reading as a class. I'll take some photos and get Cinderella and the others to write a thank you note to send to her.

Lunch was ok but when I came back Goldilocks was on the floor and her walker some distance from her. Not unusual, but when I went to tell her off she was just lying there. Not being naughty and trying to get away, just a yawn – which I've never seen from her and put her head down again. I tried to get her up and she sat and tried to flap. It was the slowest, most pathetic thing I've ever seen from her. She lay down again. She was hot and clammy. She wouldn't say anything. I was worried. I got someone to stay with her and went to find the teachers who'd been on duty. She had been fine and as annoying as usual. Now I was really worried and called the nurse. She didn't like the look of it either, especially for a child not prone to fits. We got her into her pusher and she actually said something. Now she was looking pale and her eyes weren't moving very fast. The nurse called her mum to see if a sudden tired crash was normal and we took her to the hall to see the circus anyhow. She managed an excited flap for the national anthem but not at her usual speed or volume of comments. She started breathing a bit funny, huffing, and holding her jaw like a yawn but not completed. The nurse stayed in the hall but Goldilocks wanted to be near me no sit with her. I think she just watched my face and when I looked alarmed at the breathing change and then later at Goldilocks saying 'Mm.. It's dark in here.' Then mum came to pick her up because none of this was usual for her. After Thursday I wasn't feeling very comfortable with the situation. But the circus was funny and Little Red Riding Hood even managed to keep herself under control to watch it after a minor scream at the start. She didn't even scream at the fire juggling. Cinderella went out the front to help the clowns. She was great, Hg look at this, look at this!

So now I'm still a bit shaky. Going to see Clare Bowditch tonight with a mate and then to a party if it's still going. Have some fun. I need it. Am glad I have the cat, he is great company and comfort. I should stop reading blogs and get on with shopping and cleaning my house. So much for keeping on top of things this term. It's been a hard week. I think I'm doing ok... And I rode my bike (and took the train) twice this week. That was good maybe 3 times next week.

Do I really have to go back?

The brief bit of fun I had thinking up cool stuff I could do with the kids and justify as educational has transmuted to a nagging anxiety that:
- admin are full of sh*t
- my time will be just as difficult
- stubborness will lead me to continue with this job long after it ceases to be reasonable proposition.

After the last two weeks of last term, I feel that the chances of admin comming through on their promises is very slim. I so want them to justify my faith in them.

The experience of the love/hate relationship I am developing with this job alarms me. To feel this passionate about something is unusual for me (... and I tend towards a fatalistic mind set that assumes everything will end badly - possibly not a great combination). I want to be positive and think - I can get through this. I will see change in the establishment over time. I will learn and become a better teacher. I am a good teacher now.

Why is self doubt so crippling? When will the critical mass of complement and praise be reached so that I can actually believe it and pat myself on the back rather than keep beating myslf up?

I wish I could express myself more coherently but I am struggling to control the rising sense of panic about going back on Monday.

In positive news:
I got a kitten! He is very cute and cuddly and scientifically proven to lower blood pressure and stress levels. He also looks like he'll be the death of all my indoor plants but they seem to be growing back and he's only been here just over a week!

The temp teacher who has been such a wonderful source of support will be back as our part time Domestic Godess! 3 days a week cooking with the kids, including one afternoon in my classroom! (Whilst I am excited/relieved at the thought, it is only replacing a person I had last term rather than giving me more hands - not all I am hoping for from admin.

I cleaned my house during the holidays! I will start the term on a better footing with things more organised and more of a clue what I am doing. Apparently normal in one's first year of teaching or even full time professional employment. A con for trying a different school next year is having to start all over again rather than build on these small victories.

I can make sustainable transport work! A 40 minute ride across town and 20 min train ride will give me excercise, stress relief and 'me' time that driving will never be able to do. It will also be cheaper! It may not be everyday, but I'm hoping for 3 for starters. I can always shorten the ride by getting a train out of the city if I am really tired.

I am doing an Auslan course one evening a week. It will be great to be able to practice at work with the kids and with the Domestic Godess who is proficient in it. I had the first class in the last week of term and it was so nice to have an hour and a half learning something new and not thinking about school. Another small step to finding some balance in my life!

I feel better after writing about the positives.

Oh yeah, and the psych will organise a meeting in the second or third week with admin to review what they've done to help me. So at least I have her support in trying to get some help.

Only 11 weeks until next holidays...
Hmm...
55 days...
How many sickies do I have again?

Holidays!

Have decided not to post this week after now, but to give myself a bit of space to get my life back together. Relax, breathe, work out how to face next term mentally and then next week I'll think about planning etc.

It's a beautiful sunny day, which makes me feel more positive about everything and means I can get out of bed and get things done (although this morning was hard with the staying up 'til 4 am to watch the world cup match between Brazil and the Aussies...).

The last week of school was really hard and promised support didn't eventuate and now I feel apprehensive that nothing will happen to help me next term either.

So here's where I'm at now:

• I reckon there will be politics and annoying people wherever I work.

• The main motivation for fighting for more support for myself is that if I don't it will be the kids I teach that don't get a fair go. They deserve better than I can give them with no help. (That sounds professionally responsible rather than wimpy...)

• I need to do something difficult for once and not run (ie. grow up)

• I actually care passionately about the kids in that school and the work I do (which is really unusual for me and a bit scary) and want to make the place better than it is.

• I am probably in a good position to make change happen in the school if I can work out how to do it.

• Am I arrogant or what?

• The problem is now that I don't trust admin to let me have what I need or my own strength and conviction in fighting for it. I am too much of a wuss to stand up when I don't feel 100% on top of the situation. I can't see myself as someone who can create change right now, I feel weak, scared and powerless. ... and tired so very tired.

So my plan for the holidays is to clean my house, get a cat, see the psychologist and try to work out a way of getting through this, catch up with people I love, rest, watch the football/soccer, plan for next term, ride my bike, get my life back together... That should be achievable.

Update

Thanks to those who posted words of encouragement. It meant a lot to me and made me aware of the communitarian possibilities of the blogoshpere (I may be making up words here, but I hope you get what I mean).

My school is filled with beautiful caring people who have helped me get through the last few weeks encouraged me to find solutions. I would have been nice if 'mentoring' had worked and functioned as it is supposed to but we have all learnt things from this experience.

Things I learnt:
Anger is better than misery.
I can use my anger to make things happen.
Crying too frequently is a bad sign, not something normal that happens to everyone. It shouldn't.
My mentor wasn't.
Admin have very little idea of what happens in the rest of the school.
Admin like me and were very upset that I wasn't being supported.
Admin can accept responsibility for getting it wrong.
I am the first really new staff member for a very long time.
I am not responsible for everything.
Communication is sometimes difficult but sooooo important.
Ego is the biggest barrier to admitting I am not coping and need help.
It is professionally responsible to ask for help.

So, to fill in what actually happened... I was struggling and felt like I was failing. Many teachers other than my 'mentor' were picking up the pieces and I started to realise that I wasn't really being mentored at all. After another weekend of tears, I got angry, really angry. On Monday I got even angrier and typed it all out. Wednesday my 'mentor' finally asked how I was going and decided we needed to talk. I wasn't in the mood by then (too little too late) and she couldn't read the signals that I was giving to get the h*ll out of my face. Thankfully, Wednesday is the day the psychologist is in and I took her my 1000 words of anger that I had typed out. She took it to the principal (and AP) for me and they were quite shocked, upset and determined to make it better. I felt better than my pain had been acknowledged and the psychologist told my mentor to give me a bit of space, something I am incredibly grateful for. Admin were away for a conference but scheduled a meeting for Monday which I was very wound up about over the weekend. But I managed it and didn't cry. They were quite emotional too which was kind of nice that they actually care. I asked them for my ideal world – 2 days a week with a team teacher/mentor preferably the temp who has been in the room next door. I wont get that, but will get a couple of different people over my hardest days. It looks like they want me to work with B2 which will upset my mentors apple cart just a wee bit but the AP is willing to take the fall out over that (I don't feel any need for revenge or wish anyone harm, but anything that will upset B1 seems to make everyone else happy... that worries me in it's own way). I told admin the areas I felt I needed more knowledge in and the kinds of support I felt would get me through. They promised me team teaching for next year, but I am not thinking about that yet. They said that they see me as the future of the school! That scared the crap out of me and to cope I cracked a joke and asked when the violin music would start. At least they get it when I'm joking.

Other things I should talk about are:

Work experience/community involvement kids

Planning

Maybe later...

1000 words of anger

This is what the Principal and AP got to read, and a couple of my collegues (who nodded a lot and couldn't think of anything to add).

Names have been changed.
It is unedited and some of the sentences don't quite work.

29^th May

Last Friday I considered not coming back to this school. I was so disheartened and felt so much like a failure. After processing a lot of feelings and things that people have been saying to me, I turned a corner and now I’m angry and frustrated. I don’t want to leave but things can not continue as they are. I now feel that I have done the best I can under the circumstances and it is the school that has failed me.

Things that have made me angry (in no particular order):

The mentoring process is non existent and the one meeting to discuss it talked solely about the VIT process rather than the concept of any of our expectations of mentoring or whether I was actually getting any. By the time a regular meeting was offered, I had been seeking support from other staff who are much more amenable to the task. I feel I can not be true to myself and honest with B1 as she reacts very strangely when I am open and forthright in asking for help. I feel like I am shocking her.

Almost every other teacher has offered to take one or all of my students on a regular or ad hoc basis if I felt I needed it or it would help the student’s individual program. After talking with a speechie about more appropriate program for one of my students when the idea was brought to B1 it was completely out of the question because “We couldn’t possibly have 11 students”. This shocked me, considering the support I had already had from other staff, that she is my mentor, and it is supposed to be a team supporting the prep transition.

When I am occasionally asked if I need anything I find that B1 doesn’t understand where I am coming from. My stress does not come from being disorganised or unplanned but from not having the underlying knowledge base to have a variety of plans, assessment structures and management experience to meet my student’s needs, moods and behaviour. I haven’t had time to get my head around teaching as a whole let alone in a special setting and with small children and those in their first years of school. These are unique challenges that I had and, unfortunately, continue to have.

My prep students and I have been hugely disadvantaged at an important time with our lack of Speech therapy. The supply of a speech aid for one session a few weeks ago, bringing our total up to 2/3 scheduled speech input. With my lack of experience in communicating with these children and their unfamiliarity with the school environment this has been unacceptable. Unfortunately, there has been no offer of support in this area from others with more experience working with preps, it had been considered to be admin’s responsibility.

The pregnant co-worker was a regular presence in my early days at the school and a great support in practical matters in establishing the classroom and discussing ideas but should not have been considered an adequate substitute for proper mentoring and continued support.

Team teaching would have been an ideal situation for this year so I could actually learn from someone whilst on the job. In the small amounts of time I have spent with my students and other teachers I find this a very valuable way to see how others teach and interact with the students, especially with managing behavioural issues amongst my class. I feel like the learning opportunities that would have supported me in the beginning were overlooked despite full knowledge of my lack of training and experience. In the next three weeks I will endeavour to make opportunities to do this in other classrooms.

Program and reporting support has been provided in a ‘here’s what we’re doing, you can alter it for yours’ fashion rather than by teaching me how to understand the students in my class and plan for their needs. I am not learning by this and often find the approaches given do not work for my students who require more stimulation and behaviour management. When I asked for someone to come and see how they interact I was offered a session where the video was put on and we planned the program.

I understand that I need to ask for help and have many questions for everyone, but what has distressed me most recently is the realisation that I can not, in my ignorance know all the things that I need. When I was pushed by other staff to give them one thing I was worried about that they could discuss with me, I chose assessment as an area I felt was beyond my grasp in this situation. They asked me was I doing X and Y and I had no idea what they were talking about, apparently common assessment techniques for this kind of setting that I was completely
unaware of.

Level 1 team does not exist with me as a part of it and I am left to capitulate or find y own way. Most recently was talk in PS staff meeting about the upcoming assembly with things to be done in levels and a song to be chosen. What level one were doing was given as an example and it was the first time I’d heard about it.

Whilst my class are adorable, they are very hard to manage and from other people’s observation this does not seem to be a failing on my part. To have given me such a disparate class with so many differences and behavioural issues, it seems like an unfair expectation to expect me to cope or do the job to my own satisfaction. I don’t know how to train preps or what they need and how to interest them, I have a student who is well in advance of the rest of the class and has done it all before and deserves to be extended more adequately than I can manage whilst keeping the others in their chairs. The other ‘grade one’ also needs extending but in different ways due to her attention span and physical difficulties. At my level of experience I feel I am under staffed to cope with these challenges.

It is now too little too late… I am very angry that when I have been at my lowest everybody except the person who is supposed to be supporting me has seen it and asked how I am going. Perhaps I would have been too honest. People ask me how I’m going and I tend to tell them.

I’m not sure what to do now. I love working with these kids and the possibilities in this type of education but I can’t see me wanting to stay for he next half of the year if changes are not made somehow. I want to learn and grow in this profession but without increased support I don’t think this school is the environment for me to do it in.

worst school week ever

glad I don't have to pay to see the school psychologist

18 days + a PD

Yeah, I am counting to keep me going.

Today wasn't great. I was tense. I swore at innanimate objects in company. I used the f-word after school in front of the head of primary. Thankfully I haven't sworn in front of the kids yet. It wouldn't be so bad if they weren't 6!

I have a busy week ahead and it wasn't a great start.

Speech aide who comes in because I still don't have a speechie was frustrated by Goldilock's usual behaviour. I am with her all day, every day. They are all hard work.

I was chatting to the art teacher this morning about how I'd been feeling over the weekend. She gave me a beautiful reply to the people who comment about teachers and all their holidays - yeah, there are lots of holidays, but in between is teaching.

Teaching ain't easy!
(The kids were good today though... :o)

Meltdown #? (3 or 4, I think)

Picture of the board outside my classroom.

The class made the letters in art and we made the dinosaurs in our Hand Program with our OT. You can also see a standing frame and 2 kaye walkers used by some of my students.
I'll shift the yellow to the E on Monday.

Haven't stopped thinking about work all weekend. Have got 2 PowerPoint books almost ready to be printed and put together, a ton of ideas and stuff loaded onto the work laptop ready to get to work when I find a spare minute.

Had a weepy and stressed week. Not a fan of feeling like that. The colleagues I am most comfortable with emotionally Dolly and the temp next door had me in tears before 9 o'clock on Friday. I just managed to hold it together through the day and then they had me in tears again at the pub (I don't want to recount the conversation there, it wasn't helpful and I am not sure how much of it to believe. I need practical solutions not to be told I shouldn't have been put in the situation). I ended up giving the temp a lift home and we talked and talked until 3am! At least compared to the start of my day my shoulder wasn't crunching every time I moved it (that's where I hold most of my tension). Got lots of great ideas and things I want to try.

Saturday I ended up on the phone to a mate, who has also just started teaching this year, for 3 hours... What did we learn? That despite me teaching 6 year olds in special ed and her teaching math science at a secondary school it is the same sh*t in different buckets. The problem appears to be that teaching is a challenge and we are both used to an easy ride. Life has been good to us and we have cruised along feeling confident and competent at school, work, uni - nothing too hard. Teaching is hard. We need time to grow into it, years longer than either of us has the patience to contemplate. Perhaps we are not getting all the help that would be ideal, but we are learning as we go the hard way. We are at different life stages to our colleagues. We feel isolated and unsure of the politics, machinations, loyalties of the people around us. We will both be exploring our options at the end of this year. We are both trying to teach our kids to put their hands up and listen to each other- looks like that is a never ending chore of teaching.

I feel like I have a better perspective on teaching and my place in the experience of it now. I hope this feeling lasts me at least this week with PSG meetings for the preps, reports needing to be done and a visit from Snow White's teacher and integration aide from her other school.

I don't consider myself a poet but I really liked this post over at An Identity of One's Own.

Tired, very tired

Um... mentoring, yesterday's PD, the kids, dress up day, p*ssed off paper shuffle dance...

Starting with the fun stuff... dress up day! I was a pirate - those who know me will not be surprised by this. The kids thought it was hilarious! I had 2 faery students, a clown, a witch and a late arrival (after 3 days sick) who became Shrek at short notice. In our literacy session, my OT was a fairy godmother and my literacy support person was another fairy - but much bigger! Helpers I had throughout the day turned into a big Shrek and disguised detectives (there was a trench coat in the dress up box). We went a bit silly and played around with words and new names for ourselves, the clever clown, funny faery, fantastic faery, wicked/wonderful witch etc. We took lots of photo's and we agreed that alliteration and having fun with words were good things to model for the kids... and I'll make a dressing up book that we can read in class and they can take home.

Apparently yesterday Cinderella was quite concerned that I wasn't there to look after them and it looks like I'll never get a day off with approval from the kids! Snow white was a bit unsteady and bewildered by my non appearance too. 2 of them were away and Goldilocks would have called out for me but not been particularly bothered. Sleeping Beauty is unwell, lots of seizures. Mum brought her in for a bit today but didn't really want to come. She had a small seizure in class and recovered ok. Completely off her food, not even throwing it. I sat with her during part of hand program after the seizure, she kept rubbing her head and Mum had mentioned that something was going on there. I stroked that bit of her temple and she calmed down and was no longer focused on touching it but looking around at what the other kids were doing. It was interesting. In the same session Snow White did a lot of independent work but didn't stop where we though her work looked nice and finished, but went on to add some really odd things and cut it in half after mangling it with the scissors and stick white paper over her colouring before she was satisfied. I wish she could tell us what the heck she was thinking.

PD - might save that one til I get around to writing it up for school and VIT assignment.

This morning I got told there was a meeting this afternoon with the head of primary, head of secondary, myself and the principal about the mentoring program. Mostly it was about making sure everyone understood what I was needing to get through the VIT registration process and that those opportunities were being given to me and we were on track. The P said she had assumed that being the heads of departments, those two would take on mentoring duties... but didn't tell them that. B1 and I had already had this discussion but now it is formalised and I have to have someone who has done the mentor training. They asked if I felt it would help if I had a regular time to meet with B1 and that was definitely a yes. I guess you should never expect to get everything you need from one person but it's a pain to have to 'shop' around for the practical and emotion support that I need. I feel a bit bad that I wasn't particularly perky during the meeting. I was there in body, I am just very tired.

p*ssed off paper shuffle dance - Premier's reading challenge, PSG's for preps, PD report, Diaries, Reports - take your pick.

Aftermath of PD

I feel overwhelmed by the concept of teaching. I doubt my capability to do it properly, or, more accurately, to the standards I set myself. I don't like feeling incompetent on such a regular basis. I know this is supposed to be a learning profession and I don't want to get to the place where I am complacent but I would like to feel proficient, just for one day, where I feel I have the knowledge and resources to do the job as it should be done.