The brief bit of fun I had thinking up cool stuff I could do with the kids and justify as educational has transmuted to a nagging anxiety that:
- admin are full of sh*t
- my time will be just as difficult
- stubborness will lead me to continue with this job long after it ceases to be reasonable proposition.
After the last two weeks of last term, I feel that the chances of admin comming through on their promises is very slim. I so want them to justify my faith in them.
The experience of the love/hate relationship I am developing with this job alarms me. To feel this passionate about something is unusual for me (... and I tend towards a fatalistic mind set that assumes everything will end badly - possibly not a great combination). I want to be positive and think - I can get through this. I will see change in the establishment over time. I will learn and become a better teacher. I am a good teacher now.
Why is self doubt so crippling? When will the critical mass of complement and praise be reached so that I can actually believe it and pat myself on the back rather than keep beating myslf up?
I wish I could express myself more coherently but I am struggling to control the rising sense of panic about going back on Monday.
In positive news:
I got a kitten! He is very cute and cuddly and scientifically proven to lower blood pressure and stress levels. He also looks like he'll be the death of all my indoor plants but they seem to be growing back and he's only been here just over a week!
The temp teacher who has been such a wonderful source of support will be back as our part time Domestic Godess! 3 days a week cooking with the kids, including one afternoon in my classroom! (Whilst I am excited/relieved at the thought, it is only replacing a person I had last term rather than giving me more hands - not all I am hoping for from admin.
I cleaned my house during the holidays! I will start the term on a better footing with things more organised and more of a clue what I am doing. Apparently normal in one's first year of teaching or even full time professional employment. A con for trying a different school next year is having to start all over again rather than build on these small victories.
I can make sustainable transport work! A 40 minute ride across town and 20 min train ride will give me excercise, stress relief and 'me' time that driving will never be able to do. It will also be cheaper! It may not be everyday, but I'm hoping for 3 for starters. I can always shorten the ride by getting a train out of the city if I am really tired.
I am doing an Auslan course one evening a week. It will be great to be able to practice at work with the kids and with the Domestic Godess who is proficient in it. I had the first class in the last week of term and it was so nice to have an hour and a half learning something new and not thinking about school. Another small step to finding some balance in my life!
I feel better after writing about the positives.
Oh yeah, and the psych will organise a meeting in the second or third week with admin to review what they've done to help me. So at least I have her support in trying to get some help.
Only 11 weeks until next holidays...
How many sickies do I have again?