8 days left of my shit kicker, paper shuffling admin support job, which I will probably miss immensely, if only for the good company and campus lifestyle (no more beer and bands at lunchtime...). Today in an email I said I was bored and I'm trying to hang on to that thought. To the thought that I really want and need the stimulation and learning experiences this new job will give me.
...and only 20 sleeps! Technically this is one night less than sleeps expected but I can't see me sleeping much the day before I start. In fact I have it on good authority from the head of the junior school that no matter how long you teach, you never sleep well the day before school goes back... is that meant to be reassuring or not?
With the new year has come a crisis of confidence... can't say I'm very happy about it either. Where did the excitement go? Where is the sense of a grand adventure, a new beginning? I know I had these things a while ago when I was thinking 'Yeah, I can do this, and better still its going to be heaps of fun!' I still have time to find it again, I guess.
So what am I worrying about (other than 'normal' performance anxiety)?
I've never done a monday to friday, normal hours type job before...
I have never like defining myself by my occupation but teaching seems to be the kind of job where that's what you are. A teacher. Some people are, they teach unconsciously in what ever situation they are in and bring the joy of new knowledge and experiences to everything they do. Not all of these people even work as teachers, but some do and that's something to be thankful for. In more 'primitive' cultures people with wisdom, knowledge and the ability to share it were revered and respected, what they did was who they were. As much as I hope teaching will not just be a 'job' for me, I don't think I will ever see myself as wholly or solely a teacher.
How long will it take for me to become jaded and bitter? I know that this is a crap thing to be thinking about before I start but friends who are teachers seem to think it is inevitable. I don't think teaching in a special school will be as bad as a high school for sapping my enthusiasm and energy with it's structure and rules, but maybe there are worse things when you are dealing with kids who have a lot of physical, developmental, cognitive and medical problems... That's a wait and see issue. I'd like to be naïve and optimistic for a little while at least. Not that I reckon much of that is coming through into my writing here.
Any blogs I have found by education students or teachers other than those at university level seem to go for about a week to a month. If I get too busy or overwhelmed to continue with this then I suspect it should be the least of my worries!
What if I make them cry?
- What if I can't actually teach them and they make no progress? A mate who's a teacher said at least with preps there is another 12 years of different teachers to take the blame in the future... but that's not going to help me get it right is it?
Off to go looking for my missing mojo!