li-bearians v Librarians

I’ve been a fake TL for over half a year now. The question yet again in my teaching career has come back to who do I want to be as a teacher or in the current circumstances who do I want to be as a teacher librarian?

On Friday I shaved my head bar a wee Mohawk (Beckham style – there is even a blog devoted to his hair and it was here I found the picture to guide those with the shaver in hand) for Shave for a cure. So, I have totally blown the stuffy librarian role which is just as well considering I never wear skirts, let alone a twin set to work (pearls, one day, maybe).

The thing that blew me away was how excited the students were and how quickly word of mouth was travelling. Random yr 7s popping in to the library to ask if I was really going to do it, a year 10 girl gave me $10 – not just promised, but handed over the cash! Next week when the kids get to see it will be more interesting.

As will the reaction of staff. My theory with hair has always been that I don’t really care because a) I can’t see it and b) it grows back soon enough. I will be especially interested to see the reaction of one of my library colleagues who I shall dub here Mrs Shadow. I don’t think she’s been paying attention to conversation around her (nothing new there) and it will come as a shock. She’ll most likely have an opinion on how a teacher should look at school too but nothing she’ll say to my face.

I realised something on Friday, I wanna be King of the Kids! I want to be a person they like enough to chat with, an adult they can trust, a person they can have fun with, joke with, someone they take seriously and respect. I don’t need to be cool, I want to show them that they can be themselves (my example is a bit weird and kooky) and still be liked. That being themselves is the best they can be.

Last year I fell into supervising a circus skills class for girls in yrs 8&9, this year I have joined the year 7 band again after 20+ years. I am lucky our head librarian encourages these possibilities as well as taking sport teams to competition and camps. They have been great for getting to know the kids.

I want to be a Librarian not a li-bearian. What’s the difference? I see everything I don’t want to be wrapped up in the mispronunciation label of li-bearian. They are great shaggy ancient bear types who go shh… who can’t help you do the simplest thing on a library computer or know the quirks in the system well enough to tell you how to get around them… who aren’t really in a school library for the kids… who want the kids to change - be “good”, be more academic, work harder, be less sporty…who don’t read adolescent fiction… who are about their power over students rather than their power to help… who think the teachers come first… who can’t say no… li-bearians think they couldn’t possibly – what? It doesn’t matter as long as they think they can’t do it, learn it or make it happen.

li-bearians are show.

Librarians are substance.

Phase 3!

After a year without blogging, it is time to get back on the horse. For the most part it is because I have to, and as such may change the character of this blog.



So, between then and now I have...



Taught 7s, 8s, 9s and 11s math and science
Been to year 7 camp twice
Had good days and bad (the bad includes bits of heart on the science room ceiling!)
Made some good new friends in teaching
Kept in touch with people from my previous school (although many seem to be leaving...)
Put my hand up for a try out in the school library (along with 5 others)
Spent half of last year finding my feet in yet another area I'm not trained for
Loved being a (fake) librarian
Found that Libraries are more like working in an office than classroom teaching (office politics and personality clashes)
Started learning to ride a motorbike
Began an MEd in Teacher Librarianship

So for my MEd I have to write a blog reflecting on my learning, thoughts and all that stuff. So, things may change a little...

Happy New School Year!

First day at new school today, thankfully without the kids! The place is very well organised and I have got an overly organised and generous mentor. Yep, they give you someone to latch onto when you start at the school no matter how long you have been teaching. The differences are amazing. I think it's the little thoughtful things that have blown me away as I compare the two places. Things like ordering extra diaries to cover new staff. Printing out course outlines for each class so that they are common across the department, with things to do and a test built around each chapter. You are part of 3 teams so you will always have someone to talk to. My mentor helped me get all the textbooks I need out of the library and a tub to carry my stuff around in. He is so organised and has organised to take care of myself and another girl just starting.

Admittedly things were great, or so I thought, when I started at the place we don't mention so I don't want to put the mozz on but there is a marked difference in planning and documentation of teaching practice that did not exist there.

Today the worry of teaching tomorrow has outstripped my recent constant companion - worry about having to move house by 25th Feb and not having found anywhere yet! YAY... umm, I think.

Wish me luck and nice year 7s!

Phase 2

I start at a new school tomorrow! It is a mainstream high school out in outer suburbia surrounded by McMansions. It is an expanding area with a mix of huge houses, industry and bugger all public transport. Nearest train line is 7km away! I am also in the process of looking for a new flat which is far more stressful than the new job.

In term 4 I had a high success rte of applications to interviews but no jobs from it. I started panicking as the summer holidays were drawing to a close as fast as my bank account was! I did many applications, ok not the hundreds I have heard about some people doing but it felt like a lot. I liked the decisiveness of the school I will be at. They emailed me and asked if I could come in the next day for an interview at 1030. By midday they had called me for the job... and it turns out they didn't even call my referees! Either they liked me or they were desperate... probably both. I will be teaching science and math. The math could be interesting as I have a year 11 class!

I think Wednesday, when the kids get back will be a real culture shock for me. The school is huge with more staff than there were students at my last school! The import thing will be how it feels with the staff. It will be very new for me and in the interview they sounded like they have lots of support systems to help teachers and lots of young staff. I really missed that at the last school, it will be good to have people to make mistakes with and who are at the same place in their lives and careers. (The staffroom has a pool table!).

Teaching teenagers is what I wanted to do in the beginning. They are not cute and I will not love them. I am sure I will care about them but do not expect the same attachment that made my last job so emotionally difficult. They will not need me and may not even like me and will not have to see them all day every day. This will be able to be a job for me rather than take over my life. I'm not saying I don't think it will be hard work but it will be less emotional work and in the end that should make a big difference. I am concerned that I won't be great at it but I can just be the best I can. People said I was good at special ed and I worry I won't be as good at teaching in this environment. At least I know I'm good at flying by the seat of my pants so I should manage ok. (...and the school has a swimming pool. They open it to staff before school 3 days a week!)

I will try to blog regularly again as this begins. It has been instructional reading the decent from excitement and enthusiasm to stress and depression. It's like seeing my life from the outside and I wonder how the hell I could have let it go on so long. I am hoping this job will be one that even if it doesn't turn out great I can stay until I find somewhere else to try... preferably in the Northern suburbs. I am trying to believe in right time right place that what has happened will be where I am meant to be. I have also had a few more phone calls about interviews but they just took too long. I have been watching Summer Heights High whilst ironing to relearn high school... 1. I am only ironed for the first couple of weeks to make a good impression 2. SHS isn't funny it is real.

So how do I feel? OK. I will probably be nauseous tomorrow but it will work out fine.

It could even be great.

Good School Hunting

Yep, am actually looking for new jobs now. As opposed to wallowing in my own misery.

I've applied for jobs at 5 schools so far. 4 state schools, so in total about 16 applications on the dreaded Recruitment Online. I know I shouldn't complain as I may have to put in far more than that to find a genuine job. The Domestic Goddess helped me get my confidence back and write my applications. I can do it myself now I am feeling that I am capable of teaching. It really showed how much the last place (now known as 'The Place We Don't Mention') destroyed my confidence. I have applied for 2 science teaching positions, at 2 special schools and a really different sounding teaching job at a private school. I have had two interviews so far and one next Wednesday.

The first was very odd and in the end I decided I didn't want to work there.

Lets call it Special School A. A mate of mine works there it sounded alright but I don't think it is the right place for me. Didn't get the answers I wanted from my questions to them and after seeing Special School B the day before I got the feeling that SSA isn't moving forward fast enough for me. I don't want to be somewhere I'm banging my head against a brick wall too often. And as someone only in my second year of teaching I expected a better idea from them of support they could provide for my teaching. Also didn't see research and further study in the way I'd have hoped either. Later that day I had a very odd phone call. Said they wouldn't be able to let me know tonight as there had been complications (end of phone call should have been right there). Asked how I thought it went then seemed to be digging when I gave the standard reply you always think you could have done better after interviews. It felt odd then I said I wouldn't accept even if they offered me a job and she wanted to know why, so I told her the answers they gave weren't to my liking and I didn't feel it was the right place for me. She got a bit shirty that I got that impression from one interview - which i did, as my mate had always talked the place up. I don't know if she was unimpressed by the thought that I was judging the school in the same way that they were judging me but I didn't think their answers were good enough. They are not the only ones to pick and choose. In the real world, the first time you go to the work place is in the interview and I have been to places a lot more welcoming. It has all felt very odd and somewhat uncomfortable.

I don't think it is unfair to have been comparing Special School A to B. That is how you find a job you like. I don't think they were ready for my generation. An extra question was asked (not strictly allowed in 'merit and equity' terms) about my applications reference to ICT I use with my students. I gave a spiel about what I've done and the response from the Assistant Principal was – that's what we need to be doing, that's the way everything is going. Hmmmm... Special School B has two computer/multimedia rooms and a multimedia teacher! Very strong feeling Special School A isn't for me.

That was last Tuesday. This Monday I had an interview at a private school for a mentoring type role with either year 7 or 8 students. It was more like a chat that a proper interview with just one bloke. He wanted to get an idea that I knew what the position was about and what I thought was important in settling year 7s into secondary school. I think I did alright and he said he'd be recommending me to be shortlisted, then there would be an interview with the head of school and then selected. He had me in mind for a year 7 role as I had recent primary school experience. I asked him my usual questions and his replies were very good. Yes, there is support in regular mentor meetings, induction program and a telephone book thick manual to support your job. Yes, the school encourages further learning, we require it and will help make outside study part of your PD. Misconceptions are that we are a boys only school that is all about sport. We have art and theatre and a student will find a niche whatever their interest. Yep, they were good answers.

So now I'm waiting for the phone to ring.

VALE

Got to love that ye olde English for daft words that don't mean what they appear to. Vale, a valley, this mortal life, a farewell.

This teaching thing isn't getting easier for me but this week I have to let go and think of the parent's pain. I haven't really said anything about my class this year now as I get used to having 5 boys in my class not six, I'll try to put what's missing into words. . .

A lot of time is taken up in your teaching by the squeeky wheels, as it were, or in this case by the noisy, stubborn, smart kid who wanted music or video rather than do any work. This kid was eleven and the smallest in the class. In math we had done measuring our growth and from Feb to June he'd grown a centimeter at most. He tested my patience every day but I had such high hopes for him. He'd lived up to every challenge I'd given him, every barrier (literally and metaphorically) that I'd put between him and whatever he was motivated enough to really want to get... usually this was to a CD player. He used his communication book so well that whenever I changed the way he could have music he found a more appropriate compic to demand/ask for it. He would walk with assisstance only if he knew he wasn't going anywhere if he sat down. You couldn't give in to him because he was smart enough to know who's eyes he could pull the wool over. He loved computers and I was looking forward to seeing how he reacted to a magic whiteboard/mimio thing I have yet to set up. His speech pathologist was working on trying him with a mighty mo that would enhance his communication by using his motivation to use computers. I was about to start teaching/insisting he used sign to communicate. He had the dexterity and would have picked it up after a few months (probably weeks) of him screaming at me and me refusing to back down despite the noise. His one noise was a terrible sound but one that it will take me a long time not to be listening out for. How do I spend my time in the class now without him. Explaining death to the others has been very hard and trying to guess how much they understand about it. Trying to have patience this week with my other spoilt little man and his tantrums was so hard... but nothing will be as hard as what those parents are going through. Yesterday the funeral was hard. I wonder if they get easier as you get older and accept death as a part of life. I don't know with these kids, it's not death so much as the lives that they struggle through for such a short time. So many questions without answers... Is it better to have a short life if you have their burdens? Is it a miracle they have lived at all? Are they only here for a short time to learn something - or to teach others? I don't have any answers even for myself.

This kid was good at riding a trike and could say when he'd had enough. He make choices that weren't even on offer. He could stear the electric wheelchair well and when he crashed into walls he meant to and you'd soon see where his hands were reaching to grab, tangle, pull. He liked haveing a choice of music and flicking through after I'd set up over 9 hours of music on the computer he switched to the next song through all of it, after about a line a song, in about half an hour. He was a challenge to engage and has probably made my teaching better, helped me understand my limits, my stubborness, my creativity, my desire to find a way to get through to him. He like it when we made things. He liked being able to reach out and feel things and if you weren't quick enough put them on his head! On his last day of school he had an old wet leaf stuck to his face for a bit whilst he was surrounded by leaves and dirt. He did a great job of putting the leaves into the container once he knew that was what was wanted. He, however, was also intent on grabbing them straight back out again. He sat well on a stool and it was great to get him out of his wheel chair as much as possible, but if you didn't have his attention he'd be off to put on a CD or tangle something up.

There was so much more to that kid that met the eye and I'm glad to have been able to be a part of showing that to more people this year. This stuff is probably what I should have said at his funeral but on short notice I was a lot more brief.

He'd not been sick or hanging on and fighting for life, he'd been living it and his death was sudden and a great shock. In the end I've come to the conclusion that there is never a good day. I'll pack up his stuff from the classroom this week and decide what things to move and what to leave, and how we will remember him.

Farewell

It's been a while, eh?

So a quick catch up 'coz I'm in the middle of trying to write a job application! I don't think I have much chance of getting it but I'm really over asking for help and getting the same answers and inaction in reply. Admin do what they can without changing anything. It's not enough. So with any luck this application will get me on the radar of a school I very much like the look of. We'll see what happens...

This year I have the same room and an older group of boys. They are a mixed bag and a handfull. I am once again struggling to manage and feel so bad hoping that at least one will be away so I have a fighting chance of managing the day with everyone getting a little out of it. Admin have been told that my class really should have gone to an experienced teacher. Thanks . Yes, they are fun at times and with older boys we can do cool topics but how much can you get done with 2 who need co-active assistance to do anything, 1 ok if he isn't having seizures but needs frequent monitoring and verbal reminders to keep on task, 1 a wonderfully patient kid who I can't give enough work to, 1 who everyone thinks is very capable because he speaks well but couldn't organise his way out of a wet paper bag (I have a lot of support staff who are very surprised at his inability to organise because of what they had assumed about his ability level...) and 1 who is used to having one on one care and attention and is not used to being expected to do anything a) by himself or b) that he doesn't want to do - the charming lad then hits, throws things and yells. One of the less physically capable kids is also quite bright but spoilt and yells his head off when he isn't getting what he wants.

I have only taught for a year and half. I had to take anti depressants for 8 months to get me through the first year. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing.

I had some things happen in my life recently that made me think work isn't that important - that has got me through to the holidays. The current plan is to see what meaningful change Admin can make. They have made minor changes but that is exactly what happened last year. This year they have 2 weeks into next term to make a difference then I'll decide whether to stay or go. There are many pros and cons which I may list in the future. End of July and I'll decide. I'll look at emergency teaching and hope I get enough money to pay the rent and look for another contract somewhere maybe mainstream maybe not. Or if i get this job I'll have the decision made for me.

Ms Sigh Ants has tagged me with a meme - so after I've written this application I'd better find out what that is!

Update. . .

Although I haven't signed it, or seen it yet, I have it in writing (probably not worth the paper it's written on - not that I'm a cynic...) that I will be getting a maternity leave replacement contract for next year (and maybe a few years after). Things are going well now I am feeling more able to cope. I have reports and my VIT meeting for my full registration one day after the other in a couple of weeks. I'm a bit stressed but feel like I can do it. No tears this term and I'm not even counting the days! I can talk about next year at school with confidence that I'll be there and that feels pretty good.

I've been sick heaps, but everyone - including the school nurse - says this is normal for first year teaching. It adds to the chronic tiredness though. As for the kids, Sleeping Beauty is still quite sick and doesn't attend a lot, Snow White's parents are still annoying and she misses heaps of important work because they can't get their shit together to either get her on the bus or get her to school by 9. The others are there all the time and are progressing in some areas with plenty of annoying stuff still to work on. Still hard to get my head outside the square to look at it objectively though. The change to daylight savings sent them all wacky last week and having a 3 day week coming up probably won't be any better... Ah well, I'm only going to try for another few weeks of fully structured teaching before giving in to end of the year and christmas activities/learning. The teacher next door and I have decided to open up our rooms and combine any classes we can to ease the load at the end of the year, so that could be fun!

To add to things, I'm looking at moving house soon so I am closer to public transport and bike tracks to work. I managed to exercise every school day last week and that is really helping the stress levels too.

Gossip: B1 is taking a year off using long service leave to look after her elderly parents. It will be interesting to see what happens in the primary school next year.

Class lists/groupings are a huge sore point around the place at the moment, there is never an ideal possible but things are a bit tense with lots of different motivations in play. I am well out of it and glad.

Term 4

No, I didn't quit.

Things are actually getting better! Term 3 was an absolute bastard, ending (on the last day) with another student death.

Hawaiian day in the last week of term was the highlight I can remember as well as getting fish in the classroom (that didn't last long!) and a visit from farm animals.

This term I am getting more support and feeling a lot better about things. The Domestic Goddess continues to support me in understanding what I am doing in the classroom by instinct. I am going to visit a mainstream prep class on Tuesday which will be great. The new AP is fantastic and has been very supportive. It has been great to get to know her better.

I finally feel like I am finding my place at the school but still needing to find my place as a teacher. It's a bit of a growing up process and growing up is never easy!

I'll do a student update soon.

Things are very busy this term with lots of paper to fill in, but I will try to update how the kids are doing soon.

Vale

Sh*t, where to begin?

Things have been going down hill this year. Friday, I took the day off to get myself organised and try to feel like I had my sh*t together. Then I get a phone call that another student has died. This time it was expected but it doesn't make it much easier. This sent me into a nasty downward spiral.

The weekend wasn't pretty and I am having most of this week off work to get myself together again. I don't know how this started, maybe the stress of a new job in a stressful field, lack of support when I started, difficulty of dealing with very emotional circumstances and connections, exhausting my natural reserves of coping ability... I don't know.

What I do know is that last term I made the decision not to run away from this. So, it has lead to me needing more help to get through it but I think in the long run it is a healthier option. I could keep running all my life, when I hit that wall, but for some reason I don't want to this time. Under all the pain that may be circumstance, maybe my biology, I like the job I have and think things will get better.

Maybe I'm foolhardy?

PS: Sleeping Beauty is in hospital again. Same as last time, well sedated. I am not hugely worried but long term it's not a happy senario.

Lice not so nice

It's been a good weekend for washing... I've done all the bedding etc and really hope that I've caught the little beasties before they can consider a full scale outbreak! Yep, one of my kids has head lice and after itching at the thought, I decided to take steps to eradicate! I only found a couple of dead adults and maybe a few eggs - once you start scraping cells from your scalp it's a bit hard to tell and really hard to check your own hair to see if there are any still clinging on to your hair... Sigh. The joys of working with children. At least now they have stuff based on essential oils available and preventive sprays with less of the same stuff... I think I'll keep using that on a regular basis as this is the third time kids in my class have had head lice given to them by siblings.

Other things this week...

Felt great this weekend as my week was quite quiet. Goldilocks was sick and off school for three days making my life very quiet. Snow White had an appointment and then was off sick and Sleeping Beauty is barely there anyway.

To be honest I had a bit of a sook this week and it was all about me... I had a wee freak out about maybe, perhaps, possibly teaching actually being what I am good at and enjoy and something I may want to commit to for a bit... It's hard to give up being directionless after so many years, it requires angst to make a big change like that. I hate this growing up thing.

Erk... my cat has bad breath even if he is adorably cute.

The change in my self doubt level and sooky-sooky-la-la level occurred with two events. The Domestic Goddess, whom I admire greatly as a teacher, says she always leaves my class on a Wednesday feeling inadequate... This wasn't enough in itself to shake me from my self doubt, because I didn't understand why. When, with great exasperation, she gave me a run down of my lesson in edu speak I suddenly thought, wow! I did all that? I did, didn't I? My lesson was pretty good. It hasn't done me any good people telling me I'm good when I can't see how. As I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing, the compliments were defeated by my self doubt. The concrete evidence worked. I can make things good instinctively, I just need some more knowledge to see it. Yay for having a mentor type person able to do that for me! I must remember to tell her this next week and thank her.

The sook undoer was talking with the school psychologist. The important bit I took from our conversation about growing up and direction was the thought that even tough my job has presented good and bad sides, I really care about it. This has got to be better (even the bad bits) than all the jobs I haven't given a stuff for. I've been good at them, but never really cared. Good and bad has to beat apathy and boredom.

Had a meeting with my new official mentor, the new AP, and the principal during the week. It was good even though I was still sooky and full of self doubt, I have no concerns about having a job there next year and they seem very keen to accommodate my desires if I wish to move to a different bit of the school. Good to know... although at the time when they asked directly what I wanted to do next year I just whined that I didn't know.

I bought a dishwasher on eBay and my life feels more in control already and the house is tidier, the garden is blooming and the sun was shining. All good.

Because she is 6.

That is the most common reply to any questions I ask about the behaviour of my students. However, it may also be the reason that last Friday Cinderella brought me a posy of flowers in from lunchtime play. Awwwwwww!





This week has been a bit of an exhausting blur. I probably shouldn't have gone back on Wednesday. Not really well enough to face the demands of a day at school. All teaching is hard work but mine is physically very demanding. By Friday I was zonked and got quite cranky at assembly. Made Little Red Riding Hood cry by telling her to be quiet when she was already in a fragile state, rather than just being naughty, will have to have a chat to Cinderella about being rude by not clapping other people's achievements etc., and on top of that had to wrestle Goldilocks for at least half the time. She was quite good and will improve, but it's not that interesting and she needs more physical stimulation than sitting for 45 minutes will give her. I hate being Ms Crankypants!

Snow White only managed one day this week, being sick herself and Sleeping Beauty was only in for half a day on Wednesday and a third on Friday. SB did well though, was very excited to be back and very vocal. The use of PECS is going well despite very little input from my speechie (yeah, I'm a little disappointed about that). She was getting grumpy at the computer, so I handed her the book and she grabbed a picture of her lunchbox. I undid her seatbelt and told her to go to her table and sit down whilst getting the trainee who helps in that session to get her lunch out. SB sat and ate some cheese sticks - no dramas. It was great that we could make that progress without too much of a issue. I hope we can make it work with toileting too. I hate having to put the seatbelts on any of my kids but I don't have enough help to do otherwise in the classroom safely. At least this gives her more opportunity to tell us what she wants.

The cat is the best addition to my life this year and we are learning ways of sharing the lap between the computer and the snoozing cat - with me still being able to type...

Another thing I am thinking about this weekend - other than making books about recent events that reinforce Dolch 1 words - is the emotional cost of teaching in this environment and whether it is worth it. I hear so much about how crap first year teaching is, from so many sources, that I think (hope) next year will be better. This is assuming with 18 kids leaving the senior school and only a handful coming in that they will have a job for me when my contract ends. I think no matter where I taught, even if it were at a high school teaching science, I would be plagued with the want to be better at it. This can be a good thing in that I will continue to learn and improve, but I need to find ways of lessening the self doubt and damaging perfectionism. If there is a job, I will give this another year to improve. If they want to keep me, I am going to push hard for them to make team teaching happen for me so I have someone to learn from and to take some of the pressure off. That's the plan this week.

I haven't even started dealing with my registration dramas yet... won't think about that now.

The Domestic Goddess reckons I should have a school free Sunday. I'll try, but if I catch up with friends they always ask and if I'm at home alone it just creeps in. I will try.



PECS: Picture Exchange Communication System

Stoked!

Ok, so this happened last Thursday and I was so happy I could have burst! It's taken a while but after my grumpy episode, it feels like a big bright yellow up yours! It goes all the way around the primary school and just beyond our doors. It has so many great possibilities for mobility and left/right concepts. Everyone was buzzing when it suddenly appeared. I feel really proud that I have been able to make change.

ick!

Took my first sick day yesterday (and did it again today). I should have done it last term but at that point I was worried that if I took a day off I wouldn't come back. After a weekend on the couch, it had to happen.

It's hard leaving the the kids to someone else. Really hard. I guess I'm just a big control freak or really believe that they (they who?) will find out I'm no good and any Tom, Dick or Harriette could do my job better.

What I really wanted to write about today was the emotional journey of teaching... but with the antibiotics and painkillers my brain isn't working quite as it should, so I won't. If it were just a sicky I was taking today then I would feel justified in taking the time to reflect on my teaching practice.

What I did do today to get off the couch and convince myself that I was well enought o go back to work tomorrow was drive out to Monash and get some info on applying for a Masters of Ed in special and inclusive ed. I must be mad!

1st Outing!

Yup, I bit the bullet and took the little monkeys on an excursion. Not a full blown permission notes job, but what our school calls 'community access'... Going down the street for a bit. I let all the parents know, took all the emergency medications, let about a million people know I was going, then went! The kids had a great time, we looked at the birds, frogs, lizards, snakes, turtles and many, many fish. And we bought 5 to put in our tank at school. I so hope they are alive tomorrow. (and until I get a lid for my second hand tank I will now be paranoid that a taller visitor to my room will drown in the tank... Ta for that thought B2!).

Math session with help of the Domestic Goddess was ok. I got her to work with the newies who I have trouble working out whether they actually get numbers or not. She has decided that next week she will lead me in parallel doing diagnostics things on a math concept to see where they are at and to teach me how to do it. I LOVE having her in my room. I have a few more hands in the early part of the session and the others did sheets. It was the first time I have had Little Red Riding Hood do sheets and apparently she was really focused and into it - YAY! It's good for her pen holding skills too. The sheet I gave Cinderella looked good but if you read the questions it didn't work as you were supposed to colour one section two colours in answer to separate questions...

In the second half I finally cracked, parked them in front of a TV and showed a video. I felt like a bad teacher. Videos seem like such a cop out to me. But we'd had a big day and it was a kids video about pets growing up from babies. We got through puppies, kittens and fish. I think we have hamsters to go? I talked to various colleagues to help me get over the guilt. I am so silly sometimes.

Sleeping Beauty is in hospital. Had so many seizures that she had to be sedated and hospitalised. It's a worry.

Long time between... posts.

Not sure where to begin this...

I am a lot more relaxed in class because I have let a lot of stuff go after experiencing my first student death. Kids learn better when they are having fun, these kids have enough problems without me stressing about their day. We'll have more fun and I will aim for them to learn something during it and look for teachable moments.

I like the concept of teachable moments. To me it means taking hold of the time when a kid asks you a question about something that they want to know. Who cares if it's off topic. My kids don't stall or attempt to distract you with conversation... yet (with the notable exception of “It's a lovely day, isn't it?” - it could be freezing and wet but she knows you're not happy with her...). Keeping a sharp eye out for these moments means that you know the students are taking something in, learning something that is meaningful to them. They'll keep that far longer than trying to drum into them what I think is important for their 6 year old life.

Big issue is trying to eliminate baby talk. Will not be tolerating “I do that/it/x,y,z?” or “'puter”. There are now two magic words that need to be used when trying to persuade the teacher that you ought to be allowed to do something... CAN and PLEASE. Also, no one uses the 'puter, ask if you CAN use the computer PLEASE and you might be lucky.

This week despite me trying to move on to G will contain many F'y things. Tomorrow a farm is coming to visit, Wednesday we will go get our fish (I spoke to the guy at the shop this evening and it's all coming together – YAY!) and on Thursday I have decided that since Fireman Fred fights fires with foam, we will do some science and make foam extinguishers! Just bicarb and vinegar in a bottle with a small hole at the top, they are 6, it should be cool.

For G we will grow things and measure them for math. We will make grass skirts for when we get to H and Hawaiian day! I may even give myself a break and let them watch a video on how animals grow. This would be cool after the farm as they are all baby animals and we have been reading 'Spot goes to the Farm' about baby and grown animals too.

I still have major anxiety about whether I am doing a good enough job of teaching. I hope I will learn one day to accept I am good at this job. Enough other people seem to think so. I don't want to think I am sh*t hot or no longer aim to improve and learn but it would be nice to be comfortable in my job.

Not much of the other stuff I usually complain about has changed.

I am happy I can type with the cat curled up in my lap.

I am slowly getting more towards evening up the balance issues in my life but still feel guilty for doing no school work on the weekend. Am finding time for the pub on a Wednesday evening after belly dancing as long as I have no more than two pints and leave by 11 at the latest. It's great to see some of my mates on a more regular basis though.

Head of primary delivered me 4 rolls of heavy yellow tape with a “Here's you $200 worth of tape.” And I kind of replied, Oh, ok, um, should I get the maintenance guy to put it on? I don't think she was really that happy with me. But I don't really care because it's the kids that should come first and this will be great for them!

Promises, promises.

First thing this morning I met the Principal in the corridor. I knew she was in the corridor and had tried to rehearse something to say but nothing worked. I think I went with um... Morning. Um I have a question, have you got a minute? Anyhow the upshot of our chat was that the new AP was going to come down for my last session as last week it was the community involvement kid and myself and I wasn't looking forward to it being just me. I say was, because it didn't happen. I thought we'd do some sensory math, finding and counting objects in the tubs we have been using with the OT. Coconut, split peas, raw sugar, rice and I made up some ooey gooey soap flakes and water. The Domestic Goddess had popped in before going to get the cooking gig know-how from the incumbent. She helped me settle the class... and I started some calm/boring things. After they lost interest I decided to go ahead with it anyway for part of the time. Oh my god, the mess! Goldilocks like the noise that happened when the contents of the bucket were liberated onto the table... Luckily the goo was so thick that when she turned the bucket up nothing came out! If I'd had one on one it could have been quite cool. Instead, it was kind of manic. The Domestic Goddess reappeared whilst it was all going wrong. It was great to have her their to a) help me clean up and b)manage the kids. She is so great with them and had some good suggestions about teaching them to wait (that may be harder for me than for them as they get to continue calling my name over and over whilst I ignore it after the first wait I'm busy statement). The cleaning up took ages and the kids were reasonably involved. Little Red Riding Hood really enjoyed the goo. It was everywhere! She won't need soap in the bath tonight! Snow White liked the finer things like the coconut and sugar. Sleeping Beauty was good at getting the objects out and throwing them on the floor.

My math sessions suck. I hope someone will help me plan them better when they understand the extent of my ineptitude... Except I don't want them to think I am inept. Hmm...

Am a bit worried about how I am reacting to my speechie being back. I know I have very high standards for myself (bad thing - constantly never good enough, good thing - always trying to improve) and unfortunately for others. Most people I have to work with at this school meet the standards I set. So far she doesn't cut the mustard and I'm not sure what to do about the way I react to her. Will I be able to let go and let her do her job however she does it? Don't know.

48 Days til holidays

Ok, it's not that bad, really. I'm back to drinking my tea without sugar... (except for last Thursday). It's still a bit sad around the place and I tear up a bit every now and again when I get reminded. I told the kids yesterday. Goldilocks and SB were blowing raspberries at each other, LRRH wasn't concentrating, SW was kind of blank as she often is and Cinderella was concerned for a few seconds and then was onto something else. It was harder for me than for them, I think. SB's mother brought in a great book about lifetimes, perhaps it's called Lifetimes? It has beautiful illustrations and is designed to tell kids about death... and life. I guess at 6 it's not that real. I won't go to the funeral on Thursday. I am very bad at funerals and I am told kid's ones are the worst. I think I will avoid them until the day it's a kid in my class or one that I have taught.

So far this week... Monday was ok. The pool was open but we didn't have enough people to swim all the kids. After talking with Dolly we decided that since I could swim 2 of mine on Friday and one of them had forgotten her bathers. I sent them to Dolly and they did girl things... They went home with blue streaks in their hair, glitter nail polish and flowers in their hair. As much as it is never going to happen in my room, LRRH's hands were the flattest I have seen them in ages as she showed people her nail polish. I guess any means of getting her to stretch her hands that works is fine by me.

The cat is going mental under a cover I have on a couch. I hope he settles down by the time I want to buy a decent couch. That's a fair way away... he may grow up by then.

Today was fine. Still feel disorganised but am loathe to bring work home. Physical program was interesting... Goldilocks was rarely NOT seeking sensory input but did ok once we shifted onto the bikes. Swapped SW onto Cinderella's bike and she hooned around, so much easier to pedal. Convinced Cinders that a pink bike would do her fine and she didn't complain probably because it was pink and I wasn't making her use the scooter any more.

Tomorrow is not really well planned towards the math end of the day and I'm not sure if I'm going to get any help. I will try to ask up at admin if they can find anyone for me, otherwise I'll be alone. The Domestic Goddess, back from overseas, said she was going to come in to check out what she needs to do to cook for next week and that she might come in to play with my class in the arvo. I really don't expect her to do this, unpaid, jet lagged, but I would love it, whatever state she's in...

Actually, I have all sorts of ideas, plans and sheets for the math session centered on the animal theme, but without enough hands I don't think much of it will work.

Things are feeling better in general. Not sure what the change is, lots of things, I guess...
This week: Staying.

Vale (What a week!)

Where to start? Monday, I guess. Not such a great day, miserable mood, despite much planning during the holidays I discovered that you can't plan for robots. My kids were themselves. Perhaps even worse because they were so excited about being back at school – weird to be 6, huh? At least I must be doing something right if they love being at school that much. The pool wasn't ready to be used so we missed yet another swim. My community involvement student is ok, and apparently there are worse, but I have had better and in my frantic first day back mood I probably wasn't doing her many favours. Cinderella had a sore tooth and didn't look well. Got the nurse to call home but we couldn't get hold of mum to give her an analgesic. Was grumpy at the Principal (are they supposed to get a capital letter? It'd feel rude not to...) after school. Oops.

Tuesday was better. I had lots of free time to get my shit back together. Sleeping Beauty was sick all holidays and is not herself at the moment. Doesn't run down the corridors, not even throwing stuff around with any commitment. Feeling a bit better about things – perhaps I was just feeling resigned to more of the same and hoping for better time in some distant future that would arrive if I could just hang on. Cinderella much happier, medicated before school! Part of the playground has finally been finished and as it was sunny I managed to cram 5 kids on to a springed see-saw. They loved it!

I don't know whether it is better that I have written this now or if my view of the weeks events is so clouded by the events to be described that I really should have written every day to give each day the truth of how it felt on that day. The first week has just been too exhausting. Maybe I would have if things had been different on Thursday.

Wednesday. Generally one of my worst days of the week, so I was really hoping that admin would come through on their promises to help me out. Ummm... nup. I know they promised me the domestic goddess when she comes back from leave but they didn't replace her this arvo. Cinderella was at the dentist and Sleeping Beauty didn't home for a nap so I had 4 kids at the end of the day with me and the 15yo! The one day I want Snow White to sit still she becomes very active and actually gets out of her chair and interacts with the other kids... by helping them with their drinks like she is feeding a baby and dragging them around by their arms. It was sweet and she was trying but it really wasn't helping me much when I didn't have the good quality help to deal with it. I blame the Krispy Kreme doughnut she had for morning tea! (Ok, she only ate half of it, preferring yoghurt and fruit but it was of great interest to all the big people around. It was iced with brown/chocolate? icing a appeared to have more icing, perhaps, it was white and sugary looking through the centre and dripped onto the bottom. It just looked like a normal choc iced doughnut with extra sugar. Must be great living out that way – may I never have to find out!).

After school I went down to see the psych she was a bit busy so I wandered around getting over the last session chatting to people in the senior school area. One of the teachers up there is a very blokey bloke. We have had some great early morning conversations based around How ya goin? Done this? Nup. You? Nah, not yet. Started it? Na. It's so relaxed talking to him compared to stressy women. He was great! He was so positive! So different to some of the bitter, resigned women working there. He had no reason to get me on his side, wasn't pushing a point of veiw about my situation. Said it was a great place to work better than any other school, that first year teaching was hard, and one day it would be easier, to hang in there because I was smart and creative and the school needed me (Awwww!). A little bit of blokey she'll be right really hit the spot. I hate working in an almost all women environment. A few more can do kind of blokes would make me happier.

Spent ages talking to the psych about the week so far. Decided to do some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) on the pressure I put on myself by expecting myself to be perfect when it is pretty obvious no one else expects this. I guess it's kind of nice that I work in a job that is support by a psychologist and I have the opportunity to sort my own shit out as it affects my work. Probably be good if more people do it but then we'd have to employ her full time!

Thursday. Wasn't looking forward to the staff meeting, it was a bit tense then the Principal came in almost in tears and took B1 out. Then B2 went out and we knew it was bad news. One of the preps in their class apparently died overnight. The aunt had told the bus driver and he had told staff at school. I'm in tears again typing this. She was such a sweet child that I want to put down the good thing I remember about her that make me so sad she is gone. I guess the first thing is that children aren't supposed to die. Even disabled ones. She was happy and healthy yesterday and walking past in the pony walker with B2 on Wednesday. She was usually the first child I'd see each morning. She would reach out her arm and call out to me if I didn't say hello first. She would be waiting in the corridor and some days if I was trying to get my head together I'd stop to chat to her. When I'd change the hall displays out side my room she'd call out and I'd talk to her about what I was doing and bring her over to see. At lunchtime she'd always rather spend time with you than watch the tv. I didn't get to know her well enough to know much more than her 'come here/hello' noises and gestures and now such a bright little spark is gone.

I didn't cope very well, the others knowing this was my first student death picked up the pieces. Dolly took my class and sent me away with a cup of tea to cry. The new AP took over my class for a bit in the second session so I could go talk to the psychologist. They got our usual one and an extra in to talk to people. I cried at her and eventually found out some good ways of telling the kids and dealing with that. (I still haven't told them yet) I guess it brings it home that these are vulnerable kids and the only thing worse would be the possibility of it being one of my students. It reminds me that no matter how much they annoy me, I love them and cannot imagine how I would manage if it happened to one of them. The intensity and depth of feeling I have for these kids frequently surprises me. It will never be just a job.

Friday. A couple of people who weren't at school yesterday were dealing with the news. I still tear up at seeing pictures of her where her bag went every time I come out of my classroom, then I noticed the pictures of her in the hallway - swimming, watching bubbles and balls.

Admin came through and despite not telling me about it, I got more help. A very experienced OT will be in my first session, taken from B1s class who apparently hadn't been told either and wasn't very happy. I only had 3 kids for the day, Snow White is at integration on a Friday and Sleeping Beauty was going to come in at lunch but had been very tired and was still asleep. After yesterday that was worrying me. My sessions weren't great but the counting by tens book that Cinderella is making seems to be a great motivator and she is happy to do it and learning what I want her to. Middle session we tried to do some math but Goldilocks was being herself very loudly and didn't want to be involved so I sent her for a walk around the corridors. I had to get very grumpy with her after throwing and kicking blocks around.

The student's teacher came to see them and it was cool to talk to her. It's nice getting an outsiders perspective of how nice an environment I work in. I think I get so involved in my own misery that I forget how much better this place is than a grungy high school. The student had to do a project so I set her up with making a big book of the one we are using at the moment. She put heaps of work into it and I was so excited it was hard to write some professional sounding comments for her! It was something I would never have found time for but will be great for reading as a class. I'll take some photos and get Cinderella and the others to write a thank you note to send to her.

Lunch was ok but when I came back Goldilocks was on the floor and her walker some distance from her. Not unusual, but when I went to tell her off she was just lying there. Not being naughty and trying to get away, just a yawn – which I've never seen from her and put her head down again. I tried to get her up and she sat and tried to flap. It was the slowest, most pathetic thing I've ever seen from her. She lay down again. She was hot and clammy. She wouldn't say anything. I was worried. I got someone to stay with her and went to find the teachers who'd been on duty. She had been fine and as annoying as usual. Now I was really worried and called the nurse. She didn't like the look of it either, especially for a child not prone to fits. We got her into her pusher and she actually said something. Now she was looking pale and her eyes weren't moving very fast. The nurse called her mum to see if a sudden tired crash was normal and we took her to the hall to see the circus anyhow. She managed an excited flap for the national anthem but not at her usual speed or volume of comments. She started breathing a bit funny, huffing, and holding her jaw like a yawn but not completed. The nurse stayed in the hall but Goldilocks wanted to be near me no sit with her. I think she just watched my face and when I looked alarmed at the breathing change and then later at Goldilocks saying 'Mm.. It's dark in here.' Then mum came to pick her up because none of this was usual for her. After Thursday I wasn't feeling very comfortable with the situation. But the circus was funny and Little Red Riding Hood even managed to keep herself under control to watch it after a minor scream at the start. She didn't even scream at the fire juggling. Cinderella went out the front to help the clowns. She was great, Hg look at this, look at this!

So now I'm still a bit shaky. Going to see Clare Bowditch tonight with a mate and then to a party if it's still going. Have some fun. I need it. Am glad I have the cat, he is great company and comfort. I should stop reading blogs and get on with shopping and cleaning my house. So much for keeping on top of things this term. It's been a hard week. I think I'm doing ok... And I rode my bike (and took the train) twice this week. That was good maybe 3 times next week.

Do I really have to go back?

The brief bit of fun I had thinking up cool stuff I could do with the kids and justify as educational has transmuted to a nagging anxiety that:
- admin are full of sh*t
- my time will be just as difficult
- stubborness will lead me to continue with this job long after it ceases to be reasonable proposition.

After the last two weeks of last term, I feel that the chances of admin comming through on their promises is very slim. I so want them to justify my faith in them.

The experience of the love/hate relationship I am developing with this job alarms me. To feel this passionate about something is unusual for me (... and I tend towards a fatalistic mind set that assumes everything will end badly - possibly not a great combination). I want to be positive and think - I can get through this. I will see change in the establishment over time. I will learn and become a better teacher. I am a good teacher now.

Why is self doubt so crippling? When will the critical mass of complement and praise be reached so that I can actually believe it and pat myself on the back rather than keep beating myslf up?

I wish I could express myself more coherently but I am struggling to control the rising sense of panic about going back on Monday.

In positive news:
I got a kitten! He is very cute and cuddly and scientifically proven to lower blood pressure and stress levels. He also looks like he'll be the death of all my indoor plants but they seem to be growing back and he's only been here just over a week!

The temp teacher who has been such a wonderful source of support will be back as our part time Domestic Godess! 3 days a week cooking with the kids, including one afternoon in my classroom! (Whilst I am excited/relieved at the thought, it is only replacing a person I had last term rather than giving me more hands - not all I am hoping for from admin.

I cleaned my house during the holidays! I will start the term on a better footing with things more organised and more of a clue what I am doing. Apparently normal in one's first year of teaching or even full time professional employment. A con for trying a different school next year is having to start all over again rather than build on these small victories.

I can make sustainable transport work! A 40 minute ride across town and 20 min train ride will give me excercise, stress relief and 'me' time that driving will never be able to do. It will also be cheaper! It may not be everyday, but I'm hoping for 3 for starters. I can always shorten the ride by getting a train out of the city if I am really tired.

I am doing an Auslan course one evening a week. It will be great to be able to practice at work with the kids and with the Domestic Godess who is proficient in it. I had the first class in the last week of term and it was so nice to have an hour and a half learning something new and not thinking about school. Another small step to finding some balance in my life!

I feel better after writing about the positives.

Oh yeah, and the psych will organise a meeting in the second or third week with admin to review what they've done to help me. So at least I have her support in trying to get some help.

Only 11 weeks until next holidays...
Hmm...
55 days...
How many sickies do I have again?