head first in at the deep end

Sicky or mental health day?

2009-06-23T15:13:00.003+10:00

I had a bast*rd of a day yesterday, so I am sick today. Sick of working with the Shadow and her silly bloody games. I mentioned previously that I had spoken in a manner I regret and have been on edge ever since waiting to see what would come of it. In the mean time I have been trying to change my reaction to her behaviour. I've walked away from a situation, I've counted to ten and I haven't done it again. So what do I get in the meeting? A veiled attempt to accuse me of bullying and harassment. It was cleverly disguised as something for all new staff but the words she used were about the way you speak to people may be seen as bullying and you could get yourself into trouble without realising it... Um, only if someone didn't deal with it like an adult, in the open! In the meeting we also talked about the no kids in at recess policy and the Bear said it was her decison, a tech asked for clarification and it was pretty simple - no kids. The Shadow disagreed for reasons such as creating bad will (I have seen kids I've kicked out come back with a note after recess and a cheeky grin) and that it will lower usage and turn kids away (I'd like to see some stats on her usage claims). After what happened not long after I started (I'll post that some other day) I wish I'd pushed for a proper apology and not let her get away with this cr*p.

Saw some new books she'd bought on the weekend and asked the Bear about them, she sighed and said that the Shadow had photocopied the suggestion book and gone shopping, nevermind that the Bear had already bought or ordered some of them.

I'm over it and don't want to work with just her again. I need the bear to show her teeth!

Below is what I emailed to the Bear yesterday.

I will not be in to work tomorrow.

Regarding yesterday’s meeting, I would like you to know the following.

· Shadow has made it almost impossible for me to respond to her without me risking her being able to claim bullying or harassment.

· Shadow does not speak to me. Not even to tell me she was supposed to be on desk this morning.

· She puts me into difficult positions regarding the SSOs and I am in danger of compromising my principals and legal responsibilities for fear of offending her.

· I recognise that I spoke harshly to Shadow but am frustrated by her persistent failure to listen, respond to and respect others’ points of view and decisions.

· I feel intimidated and undermined by her ongoing passive/aggressive stance and as a consequence am reluctant to place myself in a position where only Shadow and I are present.

· I wish to avoid a confrontation such as the one that happened last year where she used her apology as another chance to have a go at me and there was no recognition that her behaviour was unacceptable. I cannot be expected to deal with that again and respond in a way that I can be sure she will not take it as harassment or bullying.

Paper is not dead!

2009-06-23T14:34:00.003+10:00

Before I started this subject I was already working as a teacher librarian. I spent the first few months trying to work out what a teacher librarian should be, what they should do and how to go about it. I looked at my colleagues for examples of what to do and what not to do and decided who I would emulate. Since then, some ideas have changed, some haven't.

It is very hard to separate what I have learnt in the subject of collection management from teacher librarianship. The collection management issues that I have discovered in our library (20 May 2009) are an important aspect of the practice of teacher librarianship. It has been frustrating to learn how things should operate to get the most appropriate resources for your students and find out that whilst the library manager agrees thinks the same way another colleague works actively against it and is unwilling to change.

The professional reading I have been exposed to has given me a fresh set of standards to see my practice and that of my colleagues through. The standards of professional practice for teacher librarians (ASLA & ALIA, 2004) have given me a benchmark to measure my development against and I can see I have a long way to go. From the beginning of my time in the library I have asked questions of my colleagues and see that (for the most part) they are aware of current issues and are willing to discuss them with me. I get well thought out answers that show how our school is doing those things, or how they would if they could and are trying to make it happen. I can see evidence based practice is important to them when they make the time to explain their actions rather than give me the run around or tell me they do it because that was how it had ‘always’ been (14 March 2009).

Reading the forums frustrated me to the point where I did not read them unless I required specific information that someone else may have already asked. On each occasion I found them to be lacking the discussion I was hoping for (25 May 2009) and full of ‘I don’t know where this is’ ‘I can’t do it’ ‘Give me yours’ that I wouldn’t accept from high school students and can understand why Roy was ‘flippant’ with at least one. It really worries me when people about to become teacher librarians display behaviours like that, especially when it is in regard to technology. How are they going to teach information literacy when their own appears so poor? I find the same thing happens frequently on OZ_TLnet although there are some very interesting discussions, such as recent ones on homosexual content in school libraries and the future of teacher librarians, that make up for the other.

Understanding the place and possibilities of teacher librarians in information literacy has been an important part of my learning from this subject. Being able to look at what is missing from the programs at our campus (16 June 2009) and compare them to the possibilities I have been made aware of in the reading and the effect that they can have on increasing student learning outcomes which is one of my school’s goals. The other campus runs much better programs and we need to catch up.

The next question is how to catch up when there is no time (20 May 2009)? Since moving from a standard classroom and staffroom to the library I have noticed it is harder to make the links with other staff that are necessary collaboration. What I have read rings true when I find it is easier to try new things with teachers I have worked with before and feel I need to work on creating that kind of relationship with more teachers but breaking the isolation of the library is difficult.

In the end I now have a clear idea of what a librarian should be and what I still need to learn to be a better one. One last thing I have learned from this subject is that paper is not dead! Paper is portable in a way that online materials, even with downloading and using a tiny net book, can’t be. I can take printed study material to the footy and read them on the train and before the siren just as I could (and often do) with a book. When there is a cheap, recyclable, renewable, flexible, durable method of viewing digital material, I’ll be all for it.

SATIREday... I wish

2009-06-20T17:08:00.000+10:00

Can you add in an essay...

This is really a no brainer that everyone would have to say yes yes of course we do that. Hmm... if you not committed you may as well not be there, but how many jaded ‘libearians’ are going to A) read it, B) think ‘oh I can’t be bothered with doing that stuff any more’ and C) retire or find a new profession. Methinks, not enough.

Probably not.

Forgot to put in for Friday about the 10 minutes or so the Bear and I spent brainstorming library uses of wordle. The question was put to us by Sugar (coz she’s so sweet). Ideas we’d like to try include genre brainstorms, specific books, research topics – science units, geography, history, sports...

In teaching it would be a great way of visualising student knowledge, perhaps before and after a topic. Splitting them into groups of 6 to 8 would give enough words for the common themes to be writ large and clear.

The blog that is nonsense that I have on a ning can be back posted. I like that. [Ning being a site where you can create your own social networking sites. We’re using it for an in school PD thing. It has lots of potential.]

On a personal note I can’t wait for Sunday to be over! Solstice is a big day for me. I love knowing each day is getting lighter and summer is coming.

This week I...

2009-06-20T15:57:00.007+10:00

MONDAY... it must have been as it is Tuesday today. I got my first confirmed hit on the after Twilight display I put up. A student wanted to reserve a book they had seen on the display board and it wasn’t on the shelf. ‘Um... Harris. With the face and the blood dripping.’ Am Happy.

Will add a photo soon... er or later.

Have told myself no reading novels until my uni work is finished and out of the way. Am just under an average of 2 per week since school went back.

TUESDAY

Started building another blog but a professional one, one I can put my name to and have more interesting pictures on. I will keep this one for personal reflection and whinging.

WEDNESDAY did the reading the net lesson with a year 10 group on the other campus. Worked really well. Spent some time chatting with a group of girls who wanted to finish and read a book. After they did the survey I put them on to FML a life experiences website that some year 9s we into last time I did this lesson. It is very entertaining and makes you feel better about your own life. It’s not appropriate for juniors and can be sorted to show just those with sexual content (which they did, of course!) but all three were crowded around the computer reading and laughing. It felt good to have engaged them.

THURSDAY

Doing ok this week. I just walked out at recess when I tried to get students to leave and the shadow had given them permission to be there and gave all their excuses. Grrr. I am going to try to have more morning tea times in the staff room. It might help the growing feeling of isolation. I was actually scared to go to work today, worried that the things I'd said that the Bear had backed up would result in another unprofessional blow up from the Shadow.

Had an English teacher comment that the After Twilight display looks good and is useful for the kids. It isn’t as pretty as I’d like coz I had a brain fade and forgot the backing paper. I may get around to it one arvo next week after my assignment is finished. There are usually some of the titles shown or similar under the display but I have to move pretty fast to replace them, if there are any still on the shelves.

FRIDAY

Lifelong learning... sometimes it starts with me saying ‘no, you can’t have a piece of blank paper. You are in year 9 and need to be more organised. Think of a way around it. Print yourself a sheet of blank paper.’ Some kids genuinely think we are the school stationary store, where everything is free. The looks I get when I tell them they need to get something for themselves is amazing! I remember when* I was at school I had a few sheets of blank paper in my folder in case, I’d go to the newsagents with my parents to buy big sheets of coloured paper or card for projects. You wouldn’t dare ask the library. Kids these days* expect everything handed to them with no effort on their parts.

We are going to try the carrot with use of student cards for borrowing. On our side we have lost the habit of this and the kids know it. If the other campus can manage it, so can we. So, pinching ideas from other places to do with encouraging reading we are going to run a competition where each borrowed book with student card gets you an entry. Prizes will be a bit random (as suggested somewhere else good stuff and a toothbrush or similar) and lucky dip. Will try for a big ad campaign!

The Bear told me all sorts of things that the Shadow has been doing but not bothered to tell me about. Nothing big, just library stuff that I could do with knowing about. We are having a meeting next week, with the Bear running the agenda and the comment on the email “there will not be time for extensive discussion”. This will be interesting.

*Proof I am getting old and grumpy. Maybe the library IS the right spot for me!

Need some pseudonyms for the other people I work with...

Technicians- Speedy, Bee (as in queen bee or wannabe)... there's 2 out of 6...

Stuff from last week! (or maybe the week before...)

2009-06-16T19:06:00.004+10:00

Yesterday (probably about two weeks ago now...) at the other campus it was interesting working with the librarian there and watching her take PIP classes. PIP is a Personal Investigation Project. It includes a series of lessons where students are taught question formulation, research skills, internet analysis etc. The two campuses are very different in the way information literacy is taught, our side seems to have lost the plot. Staff changes and the Shadow continuing to do the things she’s always done have left the staff disconnected with the library. The Shadow has some good ideas, that may work or have worked at other schools but the way she puts them to teachers or expects them to do as she wants can be really off putting. Make is big in her vocabulary. Make the students do this or do it this way. Make the teachers... as if!

A couple of days after this I was having lunch when the ‘Educators’ and the head of PD were havi ng an informal meeting about teaching info literacy. PD for teachers, standard design for assignment sheets etc. So I butted in and said count us in! We (in the library) need to be involved in this. The energy in the conversation went up a notch or two. Linking library bookings to teaching information skills would work really well, especially if the expectation was coming from up on high. It would make a big change from teachers bringing their class in to the computer area, letting them ‘research’ whilst hiding behind their own lap top. Explicit teaching of the skills required to find information is so important. So with any luck, we’ll have some help with that.

SATURDAY
I went to a conference on Saturday. It was a half day on a Saturday morning. I was still half asleep! ALIA Schools in Victoria put on one a term apparently and usually the same people go each time (I was noticeably new and not just because I was under 50, had a motor bike, funny hair cut and stand about a head taller than most of the little people there). The first speaker was from Wesley. Here’s the page but the link to the main speaker isn’t up yet and some of my notes are related to slides in her presentation.

The big things I noticed were that you need to be a team to make change happen in your school. That brain research says uninterrupted reading sessions develop a different part of your brain to skimming and hunting for info on the net. She mentioned the article Is google making us stupid I still haven’t got around to finishing it. I keep getting distracted! At her school they have a series of lesson plans that run in the library program and the teachers can opt in. Some teachers come every week, let us do our thing, work with us. Some don’t.

The second bit was a workshop where we worked on ideas for book week. Great to start thinking about it early. The third thing was an author talk that was interesting but put me to sleep.

THE NEXT WEEK... (I think? It’s all becoming a blur)
Something that came up with our PD guy was models like the Big 6 and the e5. e5 is the Victorian governments teaching model of the moment. The bear and I compared the models to see how they fit together. They fit quite nicely, so your instruction could involve teaching the information skills necessary. Instructional model for information literacy, a combined e5 and big 6...?

TUESDAY
Maybe that was Friday... Tuesday I had book club and we did a wordle about book club. All the students were given a piece of paper to write down all the words they could think of to do with the library and book club and a warm milo to help the thinking process. One student typed all the responses into wordle (check it out at wordle.net) and I played around with the output – see below. I showed them some of the them and they want copies. It worked really well as a short activity. I’d like them on t-shirts.

THURSDAY
Thursday’s are never good. I dislike working with just the Shadow and I. Things that have been working fine, from decisions made at the end of last year are suddenly changed back to the way they were, without a word to me and always done through the technicians. It has been worse in the last couple of weeks whilst I’ve been ill and away a few days – a great excuse to change things with me not there... but none of that was what made me angry.

At recess I come back in after passing the Shadow in the courtyard outside the library. There are kids in the library. I attempt to kick them out as we are closed at recess and there was no teacher supervising them until I came in. Apparently they had been given permission by the Shadow, who had then left them. When the Shadow got back one of the technicians asked for clarification as to what is a good reason that the students might have to let us break the closed at recess rule. The Shadow couldn’t answer decently and I said they can’t be in here without a teacher. It’s not allowed, you would not be legally covered if anything happened. The Shadow says it’s fine, I let them in, I’m responsible for them even if I’m not here. Really, that’s not the point! She may be the one to face court but who has to deal with the situation? The technicians - who are not paid enough or legally obliged to deal with the situation that is made possible by the Shadow. That is not fair and they do not feel they can say no to her. I didn’t say anything I regret but my tone of voice may have been a bit harsh because it is something I feel very strongly about. The Shadow and I agreed to disagree and discuss the recess rules (and the way I speak to the Shadow!) with the Bear. I overhear her making it my problem by saying to one of the techs that she is just doing what she has always done and what was done before I came.
A very tense day.

FRIDAY
...is a marking/report writing day (no kids!) and one that the Shadow doesn’t work. Eventually I bring the situation that occurred on Thursday up with the Bear. I say I got a bit angry. She sighs but agrees with me (I have brought it up before now) and says she has spoken to the Shadow about it before. One of the techs who has been there longer than any of us says we have always been closed at recesses with no excuses for kids. Before my time!

My main work on Friday was attempting some sort of collection evaluation. I spent ages trying to massage the data out of Bibliotech and make it useable. I tried for number of books, circulation and average age by Dewey. I did ok with number of books and circulation data but still need to make a phone call to find out how to get the age data out. Nothing we tried seemed to work. The data was interesting in places. I then tried to do a similar thing with book tubs that we have made up in the past from the list on BookIt. That didn’t work so well as there are less concrete ways to search and no descriptors of what the teacher was actually wanting to be covered by the box. I think we will have to make that sort of data collection an ongoing thing.

What the?

2009-06-03T13:17:00.002+10:00

Hi All,

R said we could support English by providing supplementary reading lists for books chosen, especially mentioned Town- so books related to small town life like Broken Glass- will also meet need to structure WR classes which may be addressed more favourably under F

-------!!???!!!-------

Email from the Shadow to all TLs at our school. I am sick but I still think it needs a professional translator... It starts off ok but lost the plot completely in the second half. I think the Bear was at the same meeting and may be able to provide a translation...

Home sick in front of the fire with the cat today. Also a bit achey from falling off my motorbike on the way home from the docs. Truck in front braked and I braked too hard, locked up the front wheel and dropped the bike. No major damage to me or the bike. Broken mirror for the bike (which judging by the scratches had done this sliding alone the road thing before!) and a sore shoulder muscle where I landed on it and the opposite neck muscle probably from keeping my head off the ground. It was a very low speed slide but I’m happy to say the gear did its job and all was left with was some scuff marks on the leather jacket, gloves and boots and my draggin jeans are a bit roughed up on the seams. I’d hate to do that in office clothes or shorts, t and thongs ! Those people are mad!

Library Lady

2009-05-26T14:43:00.000+10:00

I just got asked if people like me, a ‘library lady’ were actually teachers, did we get paid the same, was everyone in the library a teacher?

This was a kid in my home group! Talking to younger kids I’d taught math and science to last year.
I wonder what is going through their heads some times.

I suspect what they want to know is who can get them in the most trouble and who they can push their luck with. I told them that we were teachers and paid as teachers. He wanted to know if everyone in the library was a teacher. I told him no, some of them are like the office ladies and just as grumpy!

I also got my first bit of gum today in my little bin. Remember Itty Bitty Bins from the 80’s? It’s a cute blue one with a capacity of about 500mLs. I reckon I can fill it with used gum before the end of the year. How gross is that!

Things that annoy me: A rant!

2009-05-25T13:39:00.005+10:00

I like to think of ways to make things better rather than just complain...

Something like elluminate can be used as it has been by the department of ed in Victoria to run online tutorials with voice and typed messaging available, speakers notes can be annotated by the speaker and live questions answered with all of it being recorded for those unable to be here. Check out some of the previous free recordings here.

This would be of more assistance than the useless forums that are not moderated or led by the tutor/lecturers. They have been from the start a place for anxious fretting and whinging, with little discussion of actual topics. When a student mentioned this in one forum the response was inadequate. Just like in a face to face tutorial, conversations need to be kept on track and an idea given of what the teacher is thinking – that means that essays are not such a case of ‘guess what the teacher is thinking’ and that the teachers need to be online in these forums more often, directing not just answering questions.

The requirement to set up a blog rather than being required to post to forums suggests that those running the courses couldn’t put in the time to manage the forums if students really used them for their correct purpose. The worried posts about blogs suggest that the course is pitched to older teachers wanting a change of ‘career’ for the last 10 years of their teaching life, who have to learn the farce that is ‘web 2.0’ from scratch**. People who can be fooled that a podcast and a forum are high tech and giving you better teaching. Same stuff, different bucket.

Ah, essays... first we are being ripped off by having to hand in assignments before the 13 weeks of study is over. I guess this is convenient for the lecturers and markers but highly unfair as there is very little turn around time between one assignment and the next. If the response to your first essay is inadequate and then the lecturers do not respond to that, how much time does it give you to get back on track and do a good enough job on the next one to pass? I’ll let you know when they get back to me! My friend doing the same course has waited over a week now for a response to her questions (our marks were 2 points different) and the lecturer has repeatedly said they will call and haven’t. We have busy lives too and think it would be respectful to actually schedule a time and make it happen.

Just for an example here are a couple of pics...
One is an essay that I wrote for my dip ed. It wasn’t very good – being a pass grade only subject I didn’t care a whole lot – but look at the level of feedback! Yes a little excessive but plenty of help to improve in a distance ed subject where you don’t have direct contact with the lecturer. The second is what I got back on an essay where I passed by 0.5 of a mark! I got a general response on the front page that included “Use readings and text” Text being double underlined. I would have got a bad mark in anything I did in undergrad study if I had not gone further than the text and readings. To then find inside that nothing is commented on except punctuation and referencing gives me very little to understand where I am getting it wrong. I'd expect that on a 80+% assignment.

I just don’t get it.
In my ‘scholarly paper’ for the other subject I failed miserably. The comments tell me all the things I should have done – that they were expecting but these related to the rubric not the question. I have always answered the question, am I supposed to write to the marking instead. Apparently. The phrase I found really galling was “At this level of study...”. At a masters level course I would expect to go beyond the readings and text not to regurgitate what is in them (as appears to be needed to pass), to take one aspect and expand on it. At this level is a ridiculous statement to make when there are different requirements for any course one does. These should be articulated not left to the expectation that it is understood – “at this level”. Specifically because what the marker was commenting on was ownership and voice used. I have other post grad papers that have been marked down for the very thing they think is expected “At this level”! Do things change so much at a Masters?

In reading what was expected the real question they should have asked was

Is your school (or the school you know*) an information literate school community? How could you as a librarian make it one?

This would give the opportunity to define and then have an opinion using your voice and give a range of problems and ways to solve them. Focusing on one problem as the question asked has led my marker to believe that I do not know the difference between information literacy and information technology skills. I disagree with that but if the marker doesn’t like the focus of your one problem, you are stuffed.

I also thought the comment that I didn’t “...demonstrate and understanding of the unique skills that the teacher librarian has to contribute...” was a bit rich considering at this point in time I do not believe that TLs have “unique” skills. I haven’t seen anything in my readings or practice that suggest that there aren’t others in the school who can do the same. The difference is the position we are in to deliver, organise, and see the big picture of what is going on with the school’s information needs. It comes past you every day. The conversations you have with frustrated teachers at the circulation desk, the rushed requests, the books tubs created, the classes that come in to the library, their wants, needs and how the teachers are using the library, the reasons why students are sent to the library in class time – all give us in the library a view of how and why both teachers and students are using the library and the information within it. Unique skills? Nup. [This has also been an interesting thread on oztl_net called what we teach and what we do]

The one good thing I got out of that essay was an introduction to Diigo – a social bookmarking site. I am trying to starting it with a year 9 class doing research on social issues important to them as it will give an opportunity to discuss the value of the sites they are using and the use of information from the internet – something that is sorely lacking in most research assignments set. In bookmarking they have to use the URL of the page. I know that sounds simple, but last year I had year 9s giving me science research with www.google.com and www.yahoo.com as references! If only I could get them some time in a computer room to teach it – I may try using a projector to teach it and see if they’ll do some at home then discuss postings to the site after...

Yep, I spent the time since the last post writing this thinking if I got it out, perhaps I could find the focus to continue with my uni work. I’ll post, turn off the computer and probably do something other than read n write.

Ah well, it’s hard to go on without answers.

*because this is entry level TL, but incredibly biased to teachers working in libraries already...** I wonder if that is because the NSW government is giving the uni lots of money to give their teachers a basic grounding in what they should be doing and make sure they pass by making it colour by numbers (or write to marking criteria, never mind the question).

Spadefoots

2009-05-25T11:54:00.000+10:00

...are a nocturnal toad. Hidden in the DDC 21!

I had an interesting time working with a lib tech to find the right spot in the Dewey for a series of DVDs on the history of NASA. She asked... do they go in Space engineering – yes, space science – yes, space exploration – yes, space flight – yes, and so on until Spadefoots. They sounded cool! So I whacked it in google (like anyone around my age or younger would do) and it turns out they are toads. Anyhow we put it in a general space type spot in the applied sciences of the 600s*. We were getting close to this decision when the Bear came up to see what we were up to and we found the spot and she agreed. This is what being a librarian is about, getting the resources in the spot that most people will be able to find them in, making them accessible. The Bear can tell you what Dewey area you want without looking it up (a surprisingly large amount of people who don’t know me in the school seem to think I can do this too – not yet) but the Shadow can’t even catalogue and won’t check the work done by the techs.

What kind of librarian do I want to be? I want to be able to do the important stuff, the things the Shadow seems incapable of. She has been a TL for 4 years, meaning modern training has made her TL without much L! At the other campus library the TL was librarian first including experience in a business library. She and the Bear are the people who think like I do, logically with an eye to the users needs, not what we think they should do. They are the librarian I want to be. Considering the current difficulties I am having with the distance ed uni course (will post again when not so red hot and angry) I am thinking of doing a local Info Tech Grad Dip, to learn the important bits of being a librarian.

It’s nearly 12. I’ve taken a day off work to do uni stuff but my mind is still roaring with unanswered questions with no response from the uni. Grrr.

*I have forgotten exactly where we decided to put it in in the end, but remember it ended in .4, So what have I done googled Dewey decimal and gone for the wiki page rather than the official DDC site. Wiki was more helpful in the end.

Woo Hoo!

2009-05-20T22:44:00.002+10:00

Most blog posts in 3 YEARS!

Don't reckon I'll reach the heights of 2006 with over 92 though...
Although it's only May...

Procrastinating... II

2009-05-20T22:39:00.003+10:00

These have been collected from various word documents, often labelled ‘blog bits’, which are truncated thoughts or starts of blog posts I intended to make. They would have each been much longer if I didn’t have to work... didn’t get distracted by students and teachers... wasn’t worried about losing myself in the land of blog again... actually felt like turning my computer on again once I got home...

I could have started another blog using a program that allows me choose the date of the entry and backdated them all so I look as regular as prunes for brekkie, but one day I want to write a really professional blog. This is a personal blog because a lot of my reflections contain a large amount of whinge and whine (or perhaps more honestly, bitch and moan). I have to learn to cut that out before I can put my name and school to it!
So here they are...

***
Yesterday I had a conversation that included something I’d read for uni. It’s good to feel that despite me not having done much yet, it had already proved useful (and with any luck will be a motivator to do more…).

The conversation was with a teacher of technology and our head librarian-resource manager-all round good guy (brain says Mama Bear... so maybe henceforth just the Bear) about the misinformation kids get from things like Ask Yahoo!

***
We have odd purchasing habits. We buy things from booksellers, and completely ad hoc as the requested by students or teachers or recommended by random staff at major booksellers such as Dymocks. The person doing this buying will buy (or not, in the case of The Watchmen) based on their recommendations on their weekend shopping trip and then the money is gone, often to doubles of books we already have. The state library put out a list of books that teens may like if they enjoyed Twilight. The Bear and I discussed the list, themes, links and found which we had in our collection. The Shadow came back with something the sales person had told her was the book “you had to read next after Twilight”. Yep, it was on the list and we already had it and a request from a student to buy the sequels. There has got to be a better way of doing things. There are better ways of doing things but how do we make them happen here?
I read the proper way, I work with a very experienced librarian who knows the right way but is as new to this library as me and one person’s habits to change. So I handball. It’s the Bear’s problem as leader of this ship not mine.

***
Working on using Diigo with a couple of classes doing research. I am trying to get the hang of it so I can guide teachers who are a little technophobic... technobackward? Techno... I need a term for when teachers just don’t have time to explore the new technologies that are out there. So I guess that’s part of being a Librarian in a school.

***
Too much to do. I want to re do the library website, but the time I have gets eaten by the little things that constantly need doing in a library. To paraphrase Basil Faulty, this Library would run a lot better without the students (or more probably the teachers). I want, at least my wide reading classes to do some digital reading. But they are not “my” classes and I have to find a teacher not only willing to give it a go but happy to say when? not someday.

***
Bear taught me about manipulating the database of the library catalogue to tell me what I wanted to know. I thought there must be an easier way, but apparently no longer with the beast that is BiblioTech. It also showed me more of what she does when she checks the cataloguing done by the technicians. Too much to explain succinctly, but it were good. I can see how some things that may seem fiddly or unimportant in cataloguing can actually make life much easier later on. I am not sure that I will learn that sort of practical management of resources in this course, but sometimes it helps me to ask the right questions of the bear to find out what I really need to know.

***
During book club one of the students told me that she was stressed because the chemist wouldn’t give her the morning after pill without her parents knowing (because of the side effects) and her Mum would kill her, but she wanted to do the responsible thing and deal with in now, not in a month... Her teacher in the next period noticed and moved to deal with the issue. I spoke to her this morning in the Library and things are being sorted. Her Dad was ok about it and mum never needs to know. ...and I was worried I wouldn’t get to know the kids the same way as in the classroom.

***
Finally got around to reading the comments on my first assignment, just to check there was nothing wrong with the bit I needed to reuse for the next one. I can accept constructive criticism, and accept that I didn’t really understand what was required but the comments on my references I think were a little unfair. The uni recommends and encourages use of EndNote, which is pretty simple to get the right bits in the right feilds. EndNote puts out a reference that the marker doesn’t think is correct – who is right? I’d put my money on EndNote. I also got marked down for providing the list of required/recommended resources in the appendix as the Victorian Government supplied them to me. If they don’t provide complete references, especially for websites, how am I to give the correct ones!?! The reason you provide a date of access is to deal with changes to online information that is not adequately archived. If the government does not give correct references I cannot be sure that I am truly using the same site information as they were. So am I supposed to give something that is not true? Riddle me that!

...and! They mark you down for not referencing the text and readings. How backwards is that! In everything else I’ve done you’d get marked down for relying on the background material and not looking further afield. The fact that you have done the required reading should be obvious from the way you approach the subject (having been useful/powerful enough to influence) and not require direct quotes and references. I guess I have to do it differently to pass this!

***
Ran another year 9 wide reading class today on reading the net. The kids didn’t get it, couldn’t see the purpose and couldn’t settle. Period 6. My ratbag homegroup. Am going to try the same thing with 2 year 10 classes (1 sports academy) over at the east in the next month – yep, I am lucky enough to be able to override the booking system to get myself computer access eventually! It will be interesting to compare them. Working the data in excel is not simple – it doesn’t like qualitative stuff and I haven’t got time to think of a way to rewrite the survey.

Going to a conference (half day on a Saturday !) next week on reading online, hope to get some good ideas even if I have to be there at 0830! Grrr.

Now I'm up to date and off to bed.

I got a FIRST at ATHLETICS!

2009-04-22T16:11:00.002+10:00

I am so excited! This is the first time I have ever got a first ribbon at any school athletic event ever! Swimming, plenty. Aths, never!

I came first in Staff Discus for Ladies(!). I faulted on my first throw, got 12.4m on my 2nd (which would have won it by 20cm anyway) and in a terribly inelegant third throw piffed it 15.5m! Ok, there were only 3 of us, but I still came first. I may even wear the ribbon for the rest of the week!

I am writing this between drafts of my essay that is due today... I got into work really early and worked on the draft for a bit. I printed it and took it to aths with me to edit pen and paper style (Ok, I took my lap top too in case I got time to edit it before I had to supervise events). So, i'm sitting up in the stands next to some year 9 boys I taught science to last year. They wanted to know what I was doing, so we had a chat about me being (or trying to be) a librarian and what I had to do to become one. After that if was staring into space or watching the races they boys would tell me to get back to work. When I came back from a quick pit stop they told me to get back to work. They asked if I was finished yet. They told me I was doing working well and doing good work. It was a VERY interesting experience to have all the words you use in the classroom given back to you. I think they rather enjoyed it (as did I) and I guess I got to model some good learning behaviours.

I got a little of it edited on the computer and have finished that draft now... so as it is printed now I should be back to work... sigh.

Procrastinating...

2009-04-18T15:15:00.000+10:00

Still procrastinating... Been reading for my latest assignment and my mind is whirrrrring at a standstill and I think it may go BOP! when it stops...

So many things I read and want to do but can’t right away. Even when the literature says changes needs to be planned on a 3 -5 year scale I want it now! When the lit says you need a good interface to direct students to digital information I think, I know but I can’t do it in one day! I have to learn how to make it right, negotiate with other staff and then make it work... at least Mama Bear (our ‘Resource Centre Manager’) also thinks it’s a priority and is moving some of my more clerical tasks (cataloguing periodicals) back to our technicians to give me time to get working on it.

We bought a digital book at the end of last term. We got a hard copy as well which was a bit dull but came with free digital book that should be very clear and clean to read online. At the other campus they were one for one against but the one against had the final say. The rep came to us when it was me and the Shadow, but we could agree to disagree and leave the decision to Mama Bear. I think it will be a great leap forward for the library.

I think I leave all my study til the last minute because I would be too excited and frustrated to do little bits every week! Better get the brain back to ZIP!

(Apologies to the writers of the song ‘The Marvellous Toy’)

In next week’s thrilling episode remind me to ramble my thoughts about policy and process...

li-bearians v Librarians

2009-03-14T17:17:00.001+11:00

I’ve been a fake TL for over half a year now. The question yet again in my teaching career has come back to who do I want to be as a teacher or in the current circumstances who do I want to be as a teacher librarian?

On Friday I shaved my head bar a wee Mohawk (Beckham style – there is even a blog devoted to his hair and it was here I found the picture to guide those with the shaver in hand) for Shave for a cure. So, I have totally blown the stuffy librarian role which is just as well considering I never wear skirts, let alone a twin set to work (pearls, one day, maybe).

The thing that blew me away was how excited the students were and how quickly word of mouth was travelling. Random yr 7s popping in to the library to ask if I was really going to do it, a year 10 girl gave me $10 – not just promised, but handed over the cash! Next week when the kids get to see it will be more interesting.

As will the reaction of staff. My theory with hair has always been that I don’t really care because a) I can’t see it and b) it grows back soon enough. I will be especially interested to see the reaction of one of my library colleagues who I shall dub here Mrs Shadow. I don’t think she’s been paying attention to conversation around her (nothing new there) and it will come as a shock. She’ll most likely have an opinion on how a teacher should look at school too but nothing she’ll say to my face.

I realised something on Friday, I wanna be King of the Kids! I want to be a person they like enough to chat with, an adult they can trust, a person they can have fun with, joke with, someone they take seriously and respect. I don’t need to be cool, I want to show them that they can be themselves (my example is a bit weird and kooky) and still be liked. That being themselves is the best they can be.

Last year I fell into supervising a circus skills class for girls in yrs 8&9, this year I have joined the year 7 band again after 20+ years. I am lucky our head librarian encourages these possibilities as well as taking sport teams to competition and camps. They have been great for getting to know the kids.

I want to be a Librarian not a li-bearian. What’s the difference? I see everything I don’t want to be wrapped up in the mispronunciation label of li-bearian. They are great shaggy ancient bear types who go shh… who can’t help you do the simplest thing on a library computer or know the quirks in the system well enough to tell you how to get around them… who aren’t really in a school library for the kids… who want the kids to change - be “good”, be more academic, work harder, be less sporty…who don’t read adolescent fiction… who are about their power over students rather than their power to help… who think the teachers come first… who can’t say no… li-bearians think they couldn’t possibly – what? It doesn’t matter as long as they think they can’t do it, learn it or make it happen.

li-bearians are show.

Librarians are substance.

Phase 3!

2009-03-03T10:42:00.002+11:00

After a year without blogging, it is time to get back on the horse. For the most part it is because I have to, and as such may change the character of this blog.

So, between then and now I have...

Taught 7s, 8s, 9s and 11s math and science
Been to year 7 camp twice
Had good days and bad (the bad includes bits of heart on the science room ceiling!)
Made some good new friends in teaching
Kept in touch with people from my previous school (although many seem to be leaving...)
Put my hand up for a try out in the school library (along with 5 others)
Spent half of last year finding my feet in yet another area I'm not trained for
Loved being a (fake) librarian
Found that Libraries are more like working in an office than classroom teaching (office politics and personality clashes)
Started learning to ride a motorbike
Began an MEd in Teacher Librarianship

So for my MEd I have to write a blog reflecting on my learning, thoughts and all that stuff. So, things may change a little...

Happy New School Year!

2008-01-29T21:21:00.000+11:00

First day at new school today, thankfully without the kids! The place is very well organised and I have got an overly organised and generous mentor. Yep, they give you someone to latch onto when you start at the school no matter how long you have been teaching. The differences are amazing. I think it's the little thoughtful things that have blown me away as I compare the two places. Things like ordering extra diaries to cover new staff. Printing out course outlines for each class so that they are common across the department, with things to do and a test built around each chapter. You are part of 3 teams so you will always have someone to talk to. My mentor helped me get all the textbooks I need out of the library and a tub to carry my stuff around in. He is so organised and has organised to take care of myself and another girl just starting.

Admittedly things were great, or so I thought, when I started at the place we don't mention so I don't want to put the mozz on but there is a marked difference in planning and documentation of teaching practice that did not exist there.

Today the worry of teaching tomorrow has outstripped my recent constant companion - worry about having to move house by 25th Feb and not having found anywhere yet! YAY... umm, I think.

Wish me luck and nice year 7s!

Phase 2

2008-01-28T10:32:00.000+11:00

I start at a new school tomorrow! It is a mainstream high school out in outer suburbia surrounded by McMansions. It is an expanding area with a mix of huge houses, industry and bugger all public transport. Nearest train line is 7km away! I am also in the process of looking for a new flat which is far more stressful than the new job.

In term 4 I had a high success rte of applications to interviews but no jobs from it. I started panicking as the summer holidays were drawing to a close as fast as my bank account was! I did many applications, ok not the hundreds I have heard about some people doing but it felt like a lot. I liked the decisiveness of the school I will be at. They emailed me and asked if I could come in the next day for an interview at 1030. By midday they had called me for the job... and it turns out they didn't even call my referees! Either they liked me or they were desperate... probably both. I will be teaching science and math. The math could be interesting as I have a year 11 class!

I think Wednesday, when the kids get back will be a real culture shock for me. The school is huge with more staff than there were students at my last school! The import thing will be how it feels with the staff. It will be very new for me and in the interview they sounded like they have lots of support systems to help teachers and lots of young staff. I really missed that at the last school, it will be good to have people to make mistakes with and who are at the same place in their lives and careers. (The staffroom has a pool table!).

Teaching teenagers is what I wanted to do in the beginning. They are not cute and I will not love them. I am sure I will care about them but do not expect the same attachment that made my last job so emotionally difficult. They will not need me and may not even like me and will not have to see them all day every day. This will be able to be a job for me rather than take over my life. I'm not saying I don't think it will be hard work but it will be less emotional work and in the end that should make a big difference. I am concerned that I won't be great at it but I can just be the best I can. People said I was good at special ed and I worry I won't be as good at teaching in this environment. At least I know I'm good at flying by the seat of my pants so I should manage ok. (...and the school has a swimming pool. They open it to staff before school 3 days a week!)

I will try to blog regularly again as this begins. It has been instructional reading the decent from excitement and enthusiasm to stress and depression. It's like seeing my life from the outside and I wonder how the hell I could have let it go on so long. I am hoping this job will be one that even if it doesn't turn out great I can stay until I find somewhere else to try... preferably in the Northern suburbs. I am trying to believe in right time right place that what has happened will be where I am meant to be. I have also had a few more phone calls about interviews but they just took too long. I have been watching Summer Heights High whilst ironing to relearn high school... 1. I am only ironed for the first couple of weeks to make a good impression 2. SHS isn't funny it is real.

So how do I feel? OK. I will probably be nauseous tomorrow but it will work out fine.

It could even be great.

Good School Hunting

2007-11-22T10:16:00.000+11:00

Yep, am actually looking for new jobs now. As opposed to wallowing in my own misery.

I've applied for jobs at 5 schools so far. 4 state schools, so in total about 16 applications on the dreaded Recruitment Online. I know I shouldn't complain as I may have to put in far more than that to find a genuine job. The Domestic Goddess helped me get my confidence back and write my applications. I can do it myself now I am feeling that I am capable of teaching. It really showed how much the last place (now known as 'The Place We Don't Mention') destroyed my confidence. I have applied for 2 science teaching positions, at 2 special schools and a really different sounding teaching job at a private school. I have had two interviews so far and one next Wednesday.

The first was very odd and in the end I decided I didn't want to work there.

Lets call it Special School A. A mate of mine works there it sounded alright but I don't think it is the right place for me. Didn't get the answers I wanted from my questions to them and after seeing Special School B the day before I got the feeling that SSA isn't moving forward fast enough for me. I don't want to be somewhere I'm banging my head against a brick wall too often. And as someone only in my second year of teaching I expected a better idea from them of support they could provide for my teaching. Also didn't see research and further study in the way I'd have hoped either. Later that day I had a very odd phone call. Said they wouldn't be able to let me know tonight as there had been complications (end of phone call should have been right there). Asked how I thought it went then seemed to be digging when I gave the standard reply you always think you could have done better after interviews. It felt odd then I said I wouldn't accept even if they offered me a job and she wanted to know why, so I told her the answers they gave weren't to my liking and I didn't feel it was the right place for me. She got a bit shirty that I got that impression from one interview - which i did, as my mate had always talked the place up. I don't know if she was unimpressed by the thought that I was judging the school in the same way that they were judging me but I didn't think their answers were good enough. They are not the only ones to pick and choose. In the real world, the first time you go to the work place is in the interview and I have been to places a lot more welcoming. It has all felt very odd and somewhat uncomfortable.

I don't think it is unfair to have been comparing Special School A to B. That is how you find a job you like. I don't think they were ready for my generation. An extra question was asked (not strictly allowed in 'merit and equity' terms) about my applications reference to ICT I use with my students. I gave a spiel about what I've done and the response from the Assistant Principal was – that's what we need to be doing, that's the way everything is going. Hmmmm... Special School B has two computer/multimedia rooms and a multimedia teacher! Very strong feeling Special School A isn't for me.

That was last Tuesday. This Monday I had an interview at a private school for a mentoring type role with either year 7 or 8 students. It was more like a chat that a proper interview with just one bloke. He wanted to get an idea that I knew what the position was about and what I thought was important in settling year 7s into secondary school. I think I did alright and he said he'd be recommending me to be shortlisted, then there would be an interview with the head of school and then selected. He had me in mind for a year 7 role as I had recent primary school experience. I asked him my usual questions and his replies were very good. Yes, there is support in regular mentor meetings, induction program and a telephone book thick manual to support your job. Yes, the school encourages further learning, we require it and will help make outside study part of your PD. Misconceptions are that we are a boys only school that is all about sport. We have art and theatre and a student will find a niche whatever their interest. Yep, they were good answers.

So now I'm waiting for the phone to ring.

VALE

2007-08-05T21:44:00.000+10:00

Got to love that ye olde English for daft words that don't mean what they appear to. Vale, a valley, this mortal life, a farewell.

This teaching thing isn't getting easier for me but this week I have to let go and think of the parent's pain. I haven't really said anything about my class this year now as I get used to having 5 boys in my class not six, I'll try to put what's missing into words. . .

A lot of time is taken up in your teaching by the squeeky wheels, as it were, or in this case by the noisy, stubborn, smart kid who wanted music or video rather than do any work. This kid was eleven and the smallest in the class. In math we had done measuring our growth and from Feb to June he'd grown a centimeter at most. He tested my patience every day but I had such high hopes for him. He'd lived up to every challenge I'd given him, every barrier (literally and metaphorically) that I'd put between him and whatever he was motivated enough to really want to get... usually this was to a CD player. He used his communication book so well that whenever I changed the way he could have music he found a more appropriate compic to demand/ask for it. He would walk with assisstance only if he knew he wasn't going anywhere if he sat down. You couldn't give in to him because he was smart enough to know who's eyes he could pull the wool over. He loved computers and I was looking forward to seeing how he reacted to a magic whiteboard/mimio thing I have yet to set up. His speech pathologist was working on trying him with a mighty mo that would enhance his communication by using his motivation to use computers. I was about to start teaching/insisting he used sign to communicate. He had the dexterity and would have picked it up after a few months (probably weeks) of him screaming at me and me refusing to back down despite the noise. His one noise was a terrible sound but one that it will take me a long time not to be listening out for. How do I spend my time in the class now without him. Explaining death to the others has been very hard and trying to guess how much they understand about it. Trying to have patience this week with my other spoilt little man and his tantrums was so hard... but nothing will be as hard as what those parents are going through. Yesterday the funeral was hard. I wonder if they get easier as you get older and accept death as a part of life. I don't know with these kids, it's not death so much as the lives that they struggle through for such a short time. So many questions without answers... Is it better to have a short life if you have their burdens? Is it a miracle they have lived at all? Are they only here for a short time to learn something - or to teach others? I don't have any answers even for myself.

This kid was good at riding a trike and could say when he'd had enough. He make choices that weren't even on offer. He could stear the electric wheelchair well and when he crashed into walls he meant to and you'd soon see where his hands were reaching to grab, tangle, pull. He liked haveing a choice of music and flicking through after I'd set up over 9 hours of music on the computer he switched to the next song through all of it, after about a line a song, in about half an hour. He was a challenge to engage and has probably made my teaching better, helped me understand my limits, my stubborness, my creativity, my desire to find a way to get through to him. He like it when we made things. He liked being able to reach out and feel things and if you weren't quick enough put them on his head! On his last day of school he had an old wet leaf stuck to his face for a bit whilst he was surrounded by leaves and dirt. He did a great job of putting the leaves into the container once he knew that was what was wanted. He, however, was also intent on grabbing them straight back out again. He sat well on a stool and it was great to get him out of his wheel chair as much as possible, but if you didn't have his attention he'd be off to put on a CD or tangle something up.

There was so much more to that kid that met the eye and I'm glad to have been able to be a part of showing that to more people this year. This stuff is probably what I should have said at his funeral but on short notice I was a lot more brief.

He'd not been sick or hanging on and fighting for life, he'd been living it and his death was sudden and a great shock. In the end I've come to the conclusion that there is never a good day. I'll pack up his stuff from the classroom this week and decide what things to move and what to leave, and how we will remember him.

Farewell

It's been a while, eh?

2007-07-01T12:42:00.000+10:00

So a quick catch up 'coz I'm in the middle of trying to write a job application! I don't think I have much chance of getting it but I'm really over asking for help and getting the same answers and inaction in reply. Admin do what they can without changing anything. It's not enough. So with any luck this application will get me on the radar of a school I very much like the look of. We'll see what happens...

This year I have the same room and an older group of boys. They are a mixed bag and a handfull. I am once again struggling to manage and feel so bad hoping that at least one will be away so I have a fighting chance of managing the day with everyone getting a little out of it. Admin have been told that my class really should have gone to an experienced teacher. Thanks . Yes, they are fun at times and with older boys we can do cool topics but how much can you get done with 2 who need co-active assistance to do anything, 1 ok if he isn't having seizures but needs frequent monitoring and verbal reminders to keep on task, 1 a wonderfully patient kid who I can't give enough work to, 1 who everyone thinks is very capable because he speaks well but couldn't organise his way out of a wet paper bag (I have a lot of support staff who are very surprised at his inability to organise because of what they had assumed about his ability level...) and 1 who is used to having one on one care and attention and is not used to being expected to do anything a) by himself or b) that he doesn't want to do - the charming lad then hits, throws things and yells. One of the less physically capable kids is also quite bright but spoilt and yells his head off when he isn't getting what he wants.

I have only taught for a year and half. I had to take anti depressants for 8 months to get me through the first year. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing.

I had some things happen in my life recently that made me think work isn't that important - that has got me through to the holidays. The current plan is to see what meaningful change Admin can make. They have made minor changes but that is exactly what happened last year. This year they have 2 weeks into next term to make a difference then I'll decide whether to stay or go. There are many pros and cons which I may list in the future. End of July and I'll decide. I'll look at emergency teaching and hope I get enough money to pay the rent and look for another contract somewhere maybe mainstream maybe not. Or if i get this job I'll have the decision made for me.

Ms Sigh Ants has tagged me with a meme - so after I've written this application I'd better find out what that is!

Update. . .

2006-11-05T12:06:00.000+11:00

Although I haven't signed it, or seen it yet, I have it in writing (probably not worth the paper it's written on - not that I'm a cynic...) that I will be getting a maternity leave replacement contract for next year (and maybe a few years after). Things are going well now I am feeling more able to cope. I have reports and my VIT meeting for my full registration one day after the other in a couple of weeks. I'm a bit stressed but feel like I can do it. No tears this term and I'm not even counting the days! I can talk about next year at school with confidence that I'll be there and that feels pretty good.

I've been sick heaps, but everyone - including the school nurse - says this is normal for first year teaching. It adds to the chronic tiredness though. As for the kids, Sleeping Beauty is still quite sick and doesn't attend a lot, Snow White's parents are still annoying and she misses heaps of important work because they can't get their shit together to either get her on the bus or get her to school by 9. The others are there all the time and are progressing in some areas with plenty of annoying stuff still to work on. Still hard to get my head outside the square to look at it objectively though. The change to daylight savings sent them all wacky last week and having a 3 day week coming up probably won't be any better... Ah well, I'm only going to try for another few weeks of fully structured teaching before giving in to end of the year and christmas activities/learning. The teacher next door and I have decided to open up our rooms and combine any classes we can to ease the load at the end of the year, so that could be fun!

To add to things, I'm looking at moving house soon so I am closer to public transport and bike tracks to work. I managed to exercise every school day last week and that is really helping the stress levels too.

Gossip: B1 is taking a year off using long service leave to look after her elderly parents. It will be interesting to see what happens in the primary school next year.

Class lists/groupings are a huge sore point around the place at the moment, there is never an ideal possible but things are a bit tense with lots of different motivations in play. I am well out of it and glad.

Term 4

2006-10-21T09:17:00.000+10:00

No, I didn't quit.

Things are actually getting better! Term 3 was an absolute bastard, ending (on the last day) with another student death.

Hawaiian day in the last week of term was the highlight I can remember as well as getting fish in the classroom (that didn't last long!) and a visit from farm animals.

This term I am getting more support and feeling a lot better about things. The Domestic Goddess continues to support me in understanding what I am doing in the classroom by instinct. I am going to visit a mainstream prep class on Tuesday which will be great. The new AP is fantastic and has been very supportive. It has been great to get to know her better.

I finally feel like I am finding my place at the school but still needing to find my place as a teacher. It's a bit of a growing up process and growing up is never easy!

I'll do a student update soon.

Things are very busy this term with lots of paper to fill in, but I will try to update how the kids are doing soon.

Vale

2006-08-29T10:43:00.000+10:00

Sh*t, where to begin?

Things have been going down hill this year. Friday, I took the day off to get myself organised and try to feel like I had my sh*t together. Then I get a phone call that another student has died. This time it was expected but it doesn't make it much easier. This sent me into a nasty downward spiral.

The weekend wasn't pretty and I am having most of this week off work to get myself together again. I don't know how this started, maybe the stress of a new job in a stressful field, lack of support when I started, difficulty of dealing with very emotional circumstances and connections, exhausting my natural reserves of coping ability... I don't know.

What I do know is that last term I made the decision not to run away from this. So, it has lead to me needing more help to get through it but I think in the long run it is a healthier option. I could keep running all my life, when I hit that wall, but for some reason I don't want to this time. Under all the pain that may be circumstance, maybe my biology, I like the job I have and think things will get better.

Maybe I'm foolhardy?

PS: Sleeping Beauty is in hospital again. Same as last time, well sedated. I am not hugely worried but long term it's not a happy senario.

Lice not so nice

2006-08-13T21:56:00.000+10:00

It's been a good weekend for washing... I've done all the bedding etc and really hope that I've caught the little beasties before they can consider a full scale outbreak! Yep, one of my kids has head lice and after itching at the thought, I decided to take steps to eradicate! I only found a couple of dead adults and maybe a few eggs - once you start scraping cells from your scalp it's a bit hard to tell and really hard to check your own hair to see if there are any still clinging on to your hair... Sigh. The joys of working with children. At least now they have stuff based on essential oils available and preventive sprays with less of the same stuff... I think I'll keep using that on a regular basis as this is the third time kids in my class have had head lice given to them by siblings.

Other things this week...

Felt great this weekend as my week was quite quiet. Goldilocks was sick and off school for three days making my life very quiet. Snow White had an appointment and then was off sick and Sleeping Beauty is barely there anyway.

To be honest I had a bit of a sook this week and it was all about me... I had a wee freak out about maybe, perhaps, possibly teaching actually being what I am good at and enjoy and something I may want to commit to for a bit... It's hard to give up being directionless after so many years, it requires angst to make a big change like that. I hate this growing up thing.

Erk... my cat has bad breath even if he is adorably cute.

The change in my self doubt level and sooky-sooky-la-la level occurred with two events. The Domestic Goddess, whom I admire greatly as a teacher, says she always leaves my class on a Wednesday feeling inadequate... This wasn't enough in itself to shake me from my self doubt, because I didn't understand why. When, with great exasperation, she gave me a run down of my lesson in edu speak I suddenly thought, wow! I did all that? I did, didn't I? My lesson was pretty good. It hasn't done me any good people telling me I'm good when I can't see how. As I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing, the compliments were defeated by my self doubt. The concrete evidence worked. I can make things good instinctively, I just need some more knowledge to see it. Yay for having a mentor type person able to do that for me! I must remember to tell her this next week and thank her.

The sook undoer was talking with the school psychologist. The important bit I took from our conversation about growing up and direction was the thought that even tough my job has presented good and bad sides, I really care about it. This has got to be better (even the bad bits) than all the jobs I haven't given a stuff for. I've been good at them, but never really cared. Good and bad has to beat apathy and boredom.

Had a meeting with my new official mentor, the new AP, and the principal during the week. It was good even though I was still sooky and full of self doubt, I have no concerns about having a job there next year and they seem very keen to accommodate my desires if I wish to move to a different bit of the school. Good to know... although at the time when they asked directly what I wanted to do next year I just whined that I didn't know.

I bought a dishwasher on eBay and my life feels more in control already and the house is tidier, the garden is blooming and the sun was shining. All good.

Because she is 6.

2006-08-05T16:25:00.000+10:00

That is the most common reply to any questions I ask about the behaviour of my students. However, it may also be the reason that last Friday Cinderella brought me a posy of flowers in from lunchtime play. Awwwwwww!

This week has been a bit of an exhausting blur. I probably shouldn't have gone back on Wednesday. Not really well enough to face the demands of a day at school. All teaching is hard work but mine is physically very demanding. By Friday I was zonked and got quite cranky at assembly. Made Little Red Riding Hood cry by telling her to be quiet when she was already in a fragile state, rather than just being naughty, will have to have a chat to Cinderella about being rude by not clapping other people's achievements etc., and on top of that had to wrestle Goldilocks for at least half the time. She was quite good and will improve, but it's not that interesting and she needs more physical stimulation than sitting for 45 minutes will give her. I hate being Ms Crankypants!

Snow White only managed one day this week, being sick herself and Sleeping Beauty was only in for half a day on Wednesday and a third on Friday. SB did well though, was very excited to be back and very vocal. The use of PECS is going well despite very little input from my speechie (yeah, I'm a little disappointed about that). She was getting grumpy at the computer, so I handed her the book and she grabbed a picture of her lunchbox. I undid her seatbelt and told her to go to her table and sit down whilst getting the trainee who helps in that session to get her lunch out. SB sat and ate some cheese sticks - no dramas. It was great that we could make that progress without too much of a issue. I hope we can make it work with toileting too. I hate having to put the seatbelts on any of my kids but I don't have enough help to do otherwise in the classroom safely. At least this gives her more opportunity to tell us what she wants.

The cat is the best addition to my life this year and we are learning ways of sharing the lap between the computer and the snoozing cat - with me still being able to type...

Another thing I am thinking about this weekend - other than making books about recent events that reinforce Dolch 1 words - is the emotional cost of teaching in this environment and whether it is worth it. I hear so much about how crap first year teaching is, from so many sources, that I think (hope) next year will be better. This is assuming with 18 kids leaving the senior school and only a handful coming in that they will have a job for me when my contract ends. I think no matter where I taught, even if it were at a high school teaching science, I would be plagued with the want to be better at it. This can be a good thing in that I will continue to learn and improve, but I need to find ways of lessening the self doubt and damaging perfectionism. If there is a job, I will give this another year to improve. If they want to keep me, I am going to push hard for them to make team teaching happen for me so I have someone to learn from and to take some of the pressure off. That's the plan this week.

I haven't even started dealing with my registration dramas yet... won't think about that now.

The Domestic Goddess reckons I should have a school free Sunday. I'll try, but if I catch up with friends they always ask and if I'm at home alone it just creeps in. I will try.

PECS: Picture Exchange Communication System

Stoked!

2006-08-02T20:50:00.000+10:00

Ok, so this happened last Thursday and I was so happy I could have burst! It's taken a while but after my grumpy episode, it feels like a big bright yellow up yours! It goes all the way around the primary school and just beyond our doors. It has so many great possibilities for mobility and left/right concepts. Everyone was buzzing when it suddenly appeared. I feel really proud that I have been able to make change.

ick!

2006-08-01T21:10:00.000+10:00

Took my first sick day yesterday (and did it again today). I should have done it last term but at that point I was worried that if I took a day off I wouldn't come back. After a weekend on the couch, it had to happen.

It's hard leaving the the kids to someone else. Really hard. I guess I'm just a big control freak or really believe that they (they who?) will find out I'm no good and any Tom, Dick or Harriette could do my job better.

What I really wanted to write about today was the emotional journey of teaching... but with the antibiotics and painkillers my brain isn't working quite as it should, so I won't. If it were just a sicky I was taking today then I would feel justified in taking the time to reflect on my teaching practice.

What I did do today to get off the couch and convince myself that I was well enought o go back to work tomorrow was drive out to Monash and get some info on applying for a Masters of Ed in special and inclusive ed. I must be mad!

1st Outing!

2006-07-26T21:39:00.000+10:00

Yup, I bit the bullet and took the little monkeys on an excursion. Not a full blown permission notes job, but what our school calls 'community access'... Going down the street for a bit. I let all the parents know, took all the emergency medications, let about a million people know I was going, then went! The kids had a great time, we looked at the birds, frogs, lizards, snakes, turtles and many, many fish. And we bought 5 to put in our tank at school. I so hope they are alive tomorrow. (and until I get a lid for my second hand tank I will now be paranoid that a taller visitor to my room will drown in the tank... Ta for that thought B2!).

Math session with help of the Domestic Goddess was ok. I got her to work with the newies who I have trouble working out whether they actually get numbers or not. She has decided that next week she will lead me in parallel doing diagnostics things on a math concept to see where they are at and to teach me how to do it. I LOVE having her in my room. I have a few more hands in the early part of the session and the others did sheets. It was the first time I have had Little Red Riding Hood do sheets and apparently she was really focused and into it - YAY! It's good for her pen holding skills too. The sheet I gave Cinderella looked good but if you read the questions it didn't work as you were supposed to colour one section two colours in answer to separate questions...

In the second half I finally cracked, parked them in front of a TV and showed a video. I felt like a bad teacher. Videos seem like such a cop out to me. But we'd had a big day and it was a kids video about pets growing up from babies. We got through puppies, kittens and fish. I think we have hamsters to go? I talked to various colleagues to help me get over the guilt. I am so silly sometimes.

Sleeping Beauty is in hospital. Had so many seizures that she had to be sedated and hospitalised. It's a worry.

Long time between... posts.

2006-07-24T21:26:00.000+10:00

Not sure where to begin this...

I am a lot more relaxed in class because I have let a lot of stuff go after experiencing my first student death. Kids learn better when they are having fun, these kids have enough problems without me stressing about their day. We'll have more fun and I will aim for them to learn something during it and look for teachable moments.

I like the concept of teachable moments. To me it means taking hold of the time when a kid asks you a question about something that they want to know. Who cares if it's off topic. My kids don't stall or attempt to distract you with conversation... yet (with the notable exception of “It's a lovely day, isn't it?” - it could be freezing and wet but she knows you're not happy with her...). Keeping a sharp eye out for these moments means that you know the students are taking something in, learning something that is meaningful to them. They'll keep that far longer than trying to drum into them what I think is important for their 6 year old life.

Big issue is trying to eliminate baby talk. Will not be tolerating “I do that/it/x,y,z?” or “'puter”. There are now two magic words that need to be used when trying to persuade the teacher that you ought to be allowed to do something... CAN and PLEASE. Also, no one uses the 'puter, ask if you CAN use the computer PLEASE and you might be lucky.

This week despite me trying to move on to G will contain many F'y things. Tomorrow a farm is coming to visit, Wednesday we will go get our fish (I spoke to the guy at the shop this evening and it's all coming together – YAY!) and on Thursday I have decided that since Fireman Fred fights fires with foam, we will do some science and make foam extinguishers! Just bicarb and vinegar in a bottle with a small hole at the top, they are 6, it should be cool.

For G we will grow things and measure them for math. We will make grass skirts for when we get to H and Hawaiian day! I may even give myself a break and let them watch a video on how animals grow. This would be cool after the farm as they are all baby animals and we have been reading 'Spot goes to the Farm' about baby and grown animals too.

I still have major anxiety about whether I am doing a good enough job of teaching. I hope I will learn one day to accept I am good at this job. Enough other people seem to think so. I don't want to think I am sh*t hot or no longer aim to improve and learn but it would be nice to be comfortable in my job.

Not much of the other stuff I usually complain about has changed.

I am happy I can type with the cat curled up in my lap.

I am slowly getting more towards evening up the balance issues in my life but still feel guilty for doing no school work on the weekend. Am finding time for the pub on a Wednesday evening after belly dancing as long as I have no more than two pints and leave by 11 at the latest. It's great to see some of my mates on a more regular basis though.

Head of primary delivered me 4 rolls of heavy yellow tape with a “Here's you $200 worth of tape.” And I kind of replied, Oh, ok, um, should I get the maintenance guy to put it on? I don't think she was really that happy with me. But I don't really care because it's the kids that should come first and this will be great for them!

Promises, promises.

2006-07-12T18:16:00.000+10:00

First thing this morning I met the Principal in the corridor. I knew she was in the corridor and had tried to rehearse something to say but nothing worked. I think I went with um... Morning. Um I have a question, have you got a minute? Anyhow the upshot of our chat was that the new AP was going to come down for my last session as last week it was the community involvement kid and myself and I wasn't looking forward to it being just me. I say was, because it didn't happen. I thought we'd do some sensory math, finding and counting objects in the tubs we have been using with the OT. Coconut, split peas, raw sugar, rice and I made up some ooey gooey soap flakes and water. The Domestic Goddess had popped in before going to get the cooking gig know-how from the incumbent. She helped me settle the class... and I started some calm/boring things. After they lost interest I decided to go ahead with it anyway for part of the time. Oh my god, the mess! Goldilocks like the noise that happened when the contents of the bucket were liberated onto the table... Luckily the goo was so thick that when she turned the bucket up nothing came out! If I'd had one on one it could have been quite cool. Instead, it was kind of manic. The Domestic Goddess reappeared whilst it was all going wrong. It was great to have her their to a) help me clean up and b)manage the kids. She is so great with them and had some good suggestions about teaching them to wait (that may be harder for me than for them as they get to continue calling my name over and over whilst I ignore it after the first wait I'm busy statement). The cleaning up took ages and the kids were reasonably involved. Little Red Riding Hood really enjoyed the goo. It was everywhere! She won't need soap in the bath tonight! Snow White liked the finer things like the coconut and sugar. Sleeping Beauty was good at getting the objects out and throwing them on the floor.

My math sessions suck. I hope someone will help me plan them better when they understand the extent of my ineptitude... Except I don't want them to think I am inept. Hmm...

Am a bit worried about how I am reacting to my speechie being back. I know I have very high standards for myself (bad thing - constantly never good enough, good thing - always trying to improve) and unfortunately for others. Most people I have to work with at this school meet the standards I set. So far she doesn't cut the mustard and I'm not sure what to do about the way I react to her. Will I be able to let go and let her do her job however she does it? Don't know.

48 Days til holidays

2006-07-11T21:17:00.000+10:00

Ok, it's not that bad, really. I'm back to drinking my tea without sugar... (except for last Thursday). It's still a bit sad around the place and I tear up a bit every now and again when I get reminded. I told the kids yesterday. Goldilocks and SB were blowing raspberries at each other, LRRH wasn't concentrating, SW was kind of blank as she often is and Cinderella was concerned for a few seconds and then was onto something else. It was harder for me than for them, I think. SB's mother brought in a great book about lifetimes, perhaps it's called Lifetimes? It has beautiful illustrations and is designed to tell kids about death... and life. I guess at 6 it's not that real. I won't go to the funeral on Thursday. I am very bad at funerals and I am told kid's ones are the worst. I think I will avoid them until the day it's a kid in my class or one that I have taught.

So far this week... Monday was ok. The pool was open but we didn't have enough people to swim all the kids. After talking with Dolly we decided that since I could swim 2 of mine on Friday and one of them had forgotten her bathers. I sent them to Dolly and they did girl things... They went home with blue streaks in their hair, glitter nail polish and flowers in their hair. As much as it is never going to happen in my room, LRRH's hands were the flattest I have seen them in ages as she showed people her nail polish. I guess any means of getting her to stretch her hands that works is fine by me.

The cat is going mental under a cover I have on a couch. I hope he settles down by the time I want to buy a decent couch. That's a fair way away... he may grow up by then.

Today was fine. Still feel disorganised but am loathe to bring work home. Physical program was interesting... Goldilocks was rarely NOT seeking sensory input but did ok once we shifted onto the bikes. Swapped SW onto Cinderella's bike and she hooned around, so much easier to pedal. Convinced Cinders that a pink bike would do her fine and she didn't complain probably because it was pink and I wasn't making her use the scooter any more.

Tomorrow is not really well planned towards the math end of the day and I'm not sure if I'm going to get any help. I will try to ask up at admin if they can find anyone for me, otherwise I'll be alone. The Domestic Goddess, back from overseas, said she was going to come in to check out what she needs to do to cook for next week and that she might come in to play with my class in the arvo. I really don't expect her to do this, unpaid, jet lagged, but I would love it, whatever state she's in...

Actually, I have all sorts of ideas, plans and sheets for the math session centered on the animal theme, but without enough hands I don't think much of it will work.

Things are feeling better in general. Not sure what the change is, lots of things, I guess...
This week: Staying.

Vale (What a week!)

2006-07-08T12:57:00.000+10:00

Where to start? Monday, I guess. Not such a great day, miserable mood, despite much planning during the holidays I discovered that you can't plan for robots. My kids were themselves. Perhaps even worse because they were so excited about being back at school – weird to be 6, huh? At least I must be doing something right if they love being at school that much. The pool wasn't ready to be used so we missed yet another swim. My community involvement student is ok, and apparently there are worse, but I have had better and in my frantic first day back mood I probably wasn't doing her many favours. Cinderella had a sore tooth and didn't look well. Got the nurse to call home but we couldn't get hold of mum to give her an analgesic. Was grumpy at the Principal (are they supposed to get a capital letter? It'd feel rude not to...) after school. Oops.

Tuesday was better. I had lots of free time to get my shit back together. Sleeping Beauty was sick all holidays and is not herself at the moment. Doesn't run down the corridors, not even throwing stuff around with any commitment. Feeling a bit better about things – perhaps I was just feeling resigned to more of the same and hoping for better time in some distant future that would arrive if I could just hang on. Cinderella much happier, medicated before school! Part of the playground has finally been finished and as it was sunny I managed to cram 5 kids on to a springed see-saw. They loved it!

I don't know whether it is better that I have written this now or if my view of the weeks events is so clouded by the events to be described that I really should have written every day to give each day the truth of how it felt on that day. The first week has just been too exhausting. Maybe I would have if things had been different on Thursday.

Wednesday. Generally one of my worst days of the week, so I was really hoping that admin would come through on their promises to help me out. Ummm... nup. I know they promised me the domestic goddess when she comes back from leave but they didn't replace her this arvo. Cinderella was at the dentist and Sleeping Beauty didn't home for a nap so I had 4 kids at the end of the day with me and the 15yo! The one day I want Snow White to sit still she becomes very active and actually gets out of her chair and interacts with the other kids... by helping them with their drinks like she is feeding a baby and dragging them around by their arms. It was sweet and she was trying but it really wasn't helping me much when I didn't have the good quality help to deal with it. I blame the Krispy Kreme doughnut she had for morning tea! (Ok, she only ate half of it, preferring yoghurt and fruit but it was of great interest to all the big people around. It was iced with brown/chocolate? icing a appeared to have more icing, perhaps, it was white and sugary looking through the centre and dripped onto the bottom. It just looked like a normal choc iced doughnut with extra sugar. Must be great living out that way – may I never have to find out!).

After school I went down to see the psych she was a bit busy so I wandered around getting over the last session chatting to people in the senior school area. One of the teachers up there is a very blokey bloke. We have had some great early morning conversations based around How ya goin? Done this? Nup. You? Nah, not yet. Started it? Na. It's so relaxed talking to him compared to stressy women. He was great! He was so positive! So different to some of the bitter, resigned women working there. He had no reason to get me on his side, wasn't pushing a point of veiw about my situation. Said it was a great place to work better than any other school, that first year teaching was hard, and one day it would be easier, to hang in there because I was smart and creative and the school needed me (Awwww!). A little bit of blokey she'll be right really hit the spot. I hate working in an almost all women environment. A few more can do kind of blokes would make me happier.

Spent ages talking to the psych about the week so far. Decided to do some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) on the pressure I put on myself by expecting myself to be perfect when it is pretty obvious no one else expects this. I guess it's kind of nice that I work in a job that is support by a psychologist and I have the opportunity to sort my own shit out as it affects my work. Probably be good if more people do it but then we'd have to employ her full time!

Thursday. Wasn't looking forward to the staff meeting, it was a bit tense then the Principal came in almost in tears and took B1 out. Then B2 went out and we knew it was bad news. One of the preps in their class apparently died overnight. The aunt had told the bus driver and he had told staff at school. I'm in tears again typing this. She was such a sweet child that I want to put down the good thing I remember about her that make me so sad she is gone. I guess the first thing is that children aren't supposed to die. Even disabled ones. She was happy and healthy yesterday and walking past in the pony walker with B2 on Wednesday. She was usually the first child I'd see each morning. She would reach out her arm and call out to me if I didn't say hello first. She would be waiting in the corridor and some days if I was trying to get my head together I'd stop to chat to her. When I'd change the hall displays out side my room she'd call out and I'd talk to her about what I was doing and bring her over to see. At lunchtime she'd always rather spend time with you than watch the tv. I didn't get to know her well enough to know much more than her 'come here/hello' noises and gestures and now such a bright little spark is gone.

I didn't cope very well, the others knowing this was my first student death picked up the pieces. Dolly took my class and sent me away with a cup of tea to cry. The new AP took over my class for a bit in the second session so I could go talk to the psychologist. They got our usual one and an extra in to talk to people. I cried at her and eventually found out some good ways of telling the kids and dealing with that. (I still haven't told them yet) I guess it brings it home that these are vulnerable kids and the only thing worse would be the possibility of it being one of my students. It reminds me that no matter how much they annoy me, I love them and cannot imagine how I would manage if it happened to one of them. The intensity and depth of feeling I have for these kids frequently surprises me. It will never be just a job.

Friday. A couple of people who weren't at school yesterday were dealing with the news. I still tear up at seeing pictures of her where her bag went every time I come out of my classroom, then I noticed the pictures of her in the hallway - swimming, watching bubbles and balls.

Admin came through and despite not telling me about it, I got more help. A very experienced OT will be in my first session, taken from B1s class who apparently hadn't been told either and wasn't very happy. I only had 3 kids for the day, Snow White is at integration on a Friday and Sleeping Beauty was going to come in at lunch but had been very tired and was still asleep. After yesterday that was worrying me. My sessions weren't great but the counting by tens book that Cinderella is making seems to be a great motivator and she is happy to do it and learning what I want her to. Middle session we tried to do some math but Goldilocks was being herself very loudly and didn't want to be involved so I sent her for a walk around the corridors. I had to get very grumpy with her after throwing and kicking blocks around.

The student's teacher came to see them and it was cool to talk to her. It's nice getting an outsiders perspective of how nice an environment I work in. I think I get so involved in my own misery that I forget how much better this place is than a grungy high school. The student had to do a project so I set her up with making a big book of the one we are using at the moment. She put heaps of work into it and I was so excited it was hard to write some professional sounding comments for her! It was something I would never have found time for but will be great for reading as a class. I'll take some photos and get Cinderella and the others to write a thank you note to send to her.

Lunch was ok but when I came back Goldilocks was on the floor and her walker some distance from her. Not unusual, but when I went to tell her off she was just lying there. Not being naughty and trying to get away, just a yawn – which I've never seen from her and put her head down again. I tried to get her up and she sat and tried to flap. It was the slowest, most pathetic thing I've ever seen from her. She lay down again. She was hot and clammy. She wouldn't say anything. I was worried. I got someone to stay with her and went to find the teachers who'd been on duty. She had been fine and as annoying as usual. Now I was really worried and called the nurse. She didn't like the look of it either, especially for a child not prone to fits. We got her into her pusher and she actually said something. Now she was looking pale and her eyes weren't moving very fast. The nurse called her mum to see if a sudden tired crash was normal and we took her to the hall to see the circus anyhow. She managed an excited flap for the national anthem but not at her usual speed or volume of comments. She started breathing a bit funny, huffing, and holding her jaw like a yawn but not completed. The nurse stayed in the hall but Goldilocks wanted to be near me no sit with her. I think she just watched my face and when I looked alarmed at the breathing change and then later at Goldilocks saying 'Mm.. It's dark in here.' Then mum came to pick her up because none of this was usual for her. After Thursday I wasn't feeling very comfortable with the situation. But the circus was funny and Little Red Riding Hood even managed to keep herself under control to watch it after a minor scream at the start. She didn't even scream at the fire juggling. Cinderella went out the front to help the clowns. She was great, Hg look at this, look at this!

So now I'm still a bit shaky. Going to see Clare Bowditch tonight with a mate and then to a party if it's still going. Have some fun. I need it. Am glad I have the cat, he is great company and comfort. I should stop reading blogs and get on with shopping and cleaning my house. So much for keeping on top of things this term. It's been a hard week. I think I'm doing ok... And I rode my bike (and took the train) twice this week. That was good maybe 3 times next week.

Do I really have to go back?

2006-07-01T15:04:00.000+10:00

The brief bit of fun I had thinking up cool stuff I could do with the kids and justify as educational has transmuted to a nagging anxiety that:
- admin are full of sh*t
- my time will be just as difficult
- stubborness will lead me to continue with this job long after it ceases to be reasonable proposition.

After the last two weeks of last term, I feel that the chances of admin comming through on their promises is very slim. I so want them to justify my faith in them.

The experience of the love/hate relationship I am developing with this job alarms me. To feel this passionate about something is unusual for me (... and I tend towards a fatalistic mind set that assumes everything will end badly - possibly not a great combination). I want to be positive and think - I can get through this. I will see change in the establishment over time. I will learn and become a better teacher. I am a good teacher now.

Why is self doubt so crippling? When will the critical mass of complement and praise be reached so that I can actually believe it and pat myself on the back rather than keep beating myslf up?

I wish I could express myself more coherently but I am struggling to control the rising sense of panic about going back on Monday.

In positive news:
I got a kitten! He is very cute and cuddly and scientifically proven to lower blood pressure and stress levels. He also looks like he'll be the death of all my indoor plants but they seem to be growing back and he's only been here just over a week!

The temp teacher who has been such a wonderful source of support will be back as our part time Domestic Godess! 3 days a week cooking with the kids, including one afternoon in my classroom! (Whilst I am excited/relieved at the thought, it is only replacing a person I had last term rather than giving me more hands - not all I am hoping for from admin.

I cleaned my house during the holidays! I will start the term on a better footing with things more organised and more of a clue what I am doing. Apparently normal in one's first year of teaching or even full time professional employment. A con for trying a different school next year is having to start all over again rather than build on these small victories.

I can make sustainable transport work! A 40 minute ride across town and 20 min train ride will give me excercise, stress relief and 'me' time that driving will never be able to do. It will also be cheaper! It may not be everyday, but I'm hoping for 3 for starters. I can always shorten the ride by getting a train out of the city if I am really tired.

I am doing an Auslan course one evening a week. It will be great to be able to practice at work with the kids and with the Domestic Godess who is proficient in it. I had the first class in the last week of term and it was so nice to have an hour and a half learning something new and not thinking about school. Another small step to finding some balance in my life!

I feel better after writing about the positives.

Oh yeah, and the psych will organise a meeting in the second or third week with admin to review what they've done to help me. So at least I have her support in trying to get some help.

Only 11 weeks until next holidays...
Hmm...
55 days...
How many sickies do I have again?

Holidays!

2006-06-19T16:02:00.000+10:00

Have decided not to post this week after now, but to give myself a bit of space to get my life back together. Relax, breathe, work out how to face next term mentally and then next week I'll think about planning etc.

It's a beautiful sunny day, which makes me feel more positive about everything and means I can get out of bed and get things done (although this morning was hard with the staying up 'til 4 am to watch the world cup match between Brazil and the Aussies...).

The last week of school was really hard and promised support didn't eventuate and now I feel apprehensive that nothing will happen to help me next term either.

So here's where I'm at now:

I reckon there will be politics and annoying people wherever I work.
The main motivation for fighting for more support for myself is that if I don't it will be the kids I teach that don't get a fair go. They deserve better than I can give them with no help. (That sounds professionally responsible rather than wimpy...)
I need to do something difficult for once and not run (ie. grow up)
I actually care passionately about the kids in that school and the work I do (which is really unusual for me and a bit scary) and want to make the place better than it is.
I am probably in a good position to make change happen in the school if I can work out how to do it.
Am I arrogant or what?
The problem is now that I don't trust admin to let me have what I need or my own strength and conviction in fighting for it. I am too much of a wuss to stand up when I don't feel 100% on top of the situation. I can't see myself as someone who can create change right now, I feel weak, scared and powerless. ... and tired so very tired.

So my plan for the holidays is to clean my house, get a cat, see the psychologist and try to work out a way of getting through this, catch up with people I love, rest, watch the football/soccer, plan for next term, ride my bike, get my life back together... That should be achievable.

Update

2006-06-11T13:01:00.000+10:00

Thanks to those who posted words of encouragement. It meant a lot to me and made me aware of the communitarian possibilities of the blogoshpere (I may be making up words here, but I hope you get what I mean).

My school is filled with beautiful caring people who have helped me get through the last few weeks encouraged me to find solutions. I would have been nice if 'mentoring' had worked and functioned as it is supposed to but we have all learnt things from this experience.

Things I learnt:
Anger is better than misery.
I can use my anger to make things happen.
Crying too frequently is a bad sign, not something normal that happens to everyone. It shouldn't.
My mentor wasn't.
Admin have very little idea of what happens in the rest of the school.
Admin like me and were very upset that I wasn't being supported.
Admin can accept responsibility for getting it wrong.
I am the first really new staff member for a very long time.
I am not responsible for everything.
Communication is sometimes difficult but sooooo important.
Ego is the biggest barrier to admitting I am not coping and need help.
It is professionally responsible to ask for help.

So, to fill in what actually happened... I was struggling and felt like I was failing. Many teachers other than my 'mentor' were picking up the pieces and I started to realise that I wasn't really being mentored at all. After another weekend of tears, I got angry, really angry. On Monday I got even angrier and typed it all out. Wednesday my 'mentor' finally asked how I was going and decided we needed to talk. I wasn't in the mood by then (too little too late) and she couldn't read the signals that I was giving to get the h*ll out of my face. Thankfully, Wednesday is the day the psychologist is in and I took her my 1000 words of anger that I had typed out. She took it to the principal (and AP) for me and they were quite shocked, upset and determined to make it better. I felt better than my pain had been acknowledged and the psychologist told my mentor to give me a bit of space, something I am incredibly grateful for. Admin were away for a conference but scheduled a meeting for Monday which I was very wound up about over the weekend. But I managed it and didn't cry. They were quite emotional too which was kind of nice that they actually care. I asked them for my ideal world – 2 days a week with a team teacher/mentor preferably the temp who has been in the room next door. I wont get that, but will get a couple of different people over my hardest days. It looks like they want me to work with B2 which will upset my mentors apple cart just a wee bit but the AP is willing to take the fall out over that (I don't feel any need for revenge or wish anyone harm, but anything that will upset B1 seems to make everyone else happy... that worries me in it's own way). I told admin the areas I felt I needed more knowledge in and the kinds of support I felt would get me through. They promised me team teaching for next year, but I am not thinking about that yet. They said that they see me as the future of the school! That scared the crap out of me and to cope I cracked a joke and asked when the violin music would start. At least they get it when I'm joking.

Other things I should talk about are:

Work experience/community involvement kids

Planning

Maybe later...

1000 words of anger

2006-06-11T12:52:00.000+10:00

This is what the Principal and AP got to read, and a couple of my collegues (who nodded a lot and couldn't think of anything to add).

Names have been changed.
It is unedited and some of the sentences don't quite work.

29^th May

Last Friday I considered not coming back to this school. I was so disheartened and felt so much like a failure. After processing a lot of feelings and things that people have been saying to me, I turned a corner and now I’m angry and frustrated. I don’t want to leave but things can not continue as they are. I now feel that I have done the best I can under the circumstances and it is the school that has failed me.

Things that have made me angry (in no particular order):

The mentoring process is non existent and the one meeting to discuss it talked solely about the VIT process rather than the concept of any of our expectations of mentoring or whether I was actually getting any. By the time a regular meeting was offered, I had been seeking support from other staff who are much more amenable to the task. I feel I can not be true to myself and honest with B1 as she reacts very strangely when I am open and forthright in asking for help. I feel like I am shocking her.

Almost every other teacher has offered to take one or all of my students on a regular or ad hoc basis if I felt I needed it or it would help the student’s individual program. After talking with a speechie about more appropriate program for one of my students when the idea was brought to B1 it was completely out of the question because “We couldn’t possibly have 11 students”. This shocked me, considering the support I had already had from other staff, that she is my mentor, and it is supposed to be a team supporting the prep transition.

When I am occasionally asked if I need anything I find that B1 doesn’t understand where I am coming from. My stress does not come from being disorganised or unplanned but from not having the underlying knowledge base to have a variety of plans, assessment structures and management experience to meet my student’s needs, moods and behaviour. I haven’t had time to get my head around teaching as a whole let alone in a special setting and with small children and those in their first years of school. These are unique challenges that I had and, unfortunately, continue to have.

My prep students and I have been hugely disadvantaged at an important time with our lack of Speech therapy. The supply of a speech aid for one session a few weeks ago, bringing our total up to 2/3 scheduled speech input. With my lack of experience in communicating with these children and their unfamiliarity with the school environment this has been unacceptable. Unfortunately, there has been no offer of support in this area from others with more experience working with preps, it had been considered to be admin’s responsibility.

The pregnant co-worker was a regular presence in my early days at the school and a great support in practical matters in establishing the classroom and discussing ideas but should not have been considered an adequate substitute for proper mentoring and continued support.

Team teaching would have been an ideal situation for this year so I could actually learn from someone whilst on the job. In the small amounts of time I have spent with my students and other teachers I find this a very valuable way to see how others teach and interact with the students, especially with managing behavioural issues amongst my class. I feel like the learning opportunities that would have supported me in the beginning were overlooked despite full knowledge of my lack of training and experience. In the next three weeks I will endeavour to make opportunities to do this in other classrooms.

Program and reporting support has been provided in a ‘here’s what we’re doing, you can alter it for yours’ fashion rather than by teaching me how to understand the students in my class and plan for their needs. I am not learning by this and often find the approaches given do not work for my students who require more stimulation and behaviour management. When I asked for someone to come and see how they interact I was offered a session where the video was put on and we planned the program.

I understand that I need to ask for help and have many questions for everyone, but what has distressed me most recently is the realisation that I can not, in my ignorance know all the things that I need. When I was pushed by other staff to give them one thing I was worried about that they could discuss with me, I chose assessment as an area I felt was beyond my grasp in this situation. They asked me was I doing X and Y and I had no idea what they were talking about, apparently common assessment techniques for this kind of setting that I was completely
unaware of.

Level 1 team does not exist with me as a part of it and I am left to capitulate or find y own way. Most recently was talk in PS staff meeting about the upcoming assembly with things to be done in levels and a song to be chosen. What level one were doing was given as an example and it was the first time I’d heard about it.

Whilst my class are adorable, they are very hard to manage and from other people’s observation this does not seem to be a failing on my part. To have given me such a disparate class with so many differences and behavioural issues, it seems like an unfair expectation to expect me to cope or do the job to my own satisfaction. I don’t know how to train preps or what they need and how to interest them, I have a student who is well in advance of the rest of the class and has done it all before and deserves to be extended more adequately than I can manage whilst keeping the others in their chairs. The other ‘grade one’ also needs extending but in different ways due to her attention span and physical difficulties. At my level of experience I feel I am under staffed to cope with these challenges.

It is now too little too late… I am very angry that when I have been at my lowest everybody except the person who is supposed to be supporting me has seen it and asked how I am going. Perhaps I would have been too honest. People ask me how I’m going and I tend to tell them.

I’m not sure what to do now. I love working with these kids and the possibilities in this type of education but I can’t see me wanting to stay for he next half of the year if changes are not made somehow. I want to learn and grow in this profession but without increased support I don’t think this school is the environment for me to do it in.

2006-05-26T15:50:00.000+10:00

worst school week ever

glad I don't have to pay to see the school psychologist

18 days + a PD

2006-05-22T21:16:00.000+10:00

Yeah, I am counting to keep me going.

Today wasn't great. I was tense. I swore at innanimate objects in company. I used the f-word after school in front of the head of primary. Thankfully I haven't sworn in front of the kids yet. It wouldn't be so bad if they weren't 6!

I have a busy week ahead and it wasn't a great start.

Speech aide who comes in because I still don't have a speechie was frustrated by Goldilock's usual behaviour. I am with her all day, every day. They are all hard work.

I was chatting to the art teacher this morning about how I'd been feeling over the weekend. She gave me a beautiful reply to the people who comment about teachers and all their holidays - yeah, there are lots of holidays, but in between is teaching.

Teaching ain't easy!
(The kids were good today though... :o)

Meltdown #? (3 or 4, I think)

2006-05-21T16:39:00.000+10:00

Picture of the board outside my classroom.

The class made the letters in art and we made the dinosaurs in our Hand Program with our OT. You can also see a standing frame and 2 kaye walkers used by some of my students.
I'll shift the yellow to the E on Monday.

Haven't stopped thinking about work all weekend. Have got 2 PowerPoint books almost ready to be printed and put together, a ton of ideas and stuff loaded onto the work laptop ready to get to work when I find a spare minute.

Had a weepy and stressed week. Not a fan of feeling like that. The colleagues I am most comfortable with emotionally Dolly and the temp next door had me in tears before 9 o'clock on Friday. I just managed to hold it together through the day and then they had me in tears again at the pub (I don't want to recount the conversation there, it wasn't helpful and I am not sure how much of it to believe. I need practical solutions not to be told I shouldn't have been put in the situation). I ended up giving the temp a lift home and we talked and talked until 3am! At least compared to the start of my day my shoulder wasn't crunching every time I moved it (that's where I hold most of my tension). Got lots of great ideas and things I want to try.

Saturday I ended up on the phone to a mate, who has also just started teaching this year, for 3 hours... What did we learn? That despite me teaching 6 year olds in special ed and her teaching math science at a secondary school it is the same sh*t in different buckets. The problem appears to be that teaching is a challenge and we are both used to an easy ride. Life has been good to us and we have cruised along feeling confident and competent at school, work, uni - nothing too hard. Teaching is hard. We need time to grow into it, years longer than either of us has the patience to contemplate. Perhaps we are not getting all the help that would be ideal, but we are learning as we go the hard way. We are at different life stages to our colleagues. We feel isolated and unsure of the politics, machinations, loyalties of the people around us. We will both be exploring our options at the end of this year. We are both trying to teach our kids to put their hands up and listen to each other- looks like that is a never ending chore of teaching.

I feel like I have a better perspective on teaching and my place in the experience of it now. I hope this feeling lasts me at least this week with PSG meetings for the preps, reports needing to be done and a visit from Snow White's teacher and integration aide from her other school.

I don't consider myself a poet but I really liked this post over at An Identity of One's Own.

Tired, very tired

2006-05-18T18:48:00.000+10:00

Um... mentoring, yesterday's PD, the kids, dress up day, p*ssed off paper shuffle dance...

Starting with the fun stuff... dress up day! I was a pirate - those who know me will not be surprised by this. The kids thought it was hilarious! I had 2 faery students, a clown, a witch and a late arrival (after 3 days sick) who became Shrek at short notice. In our literacy session, my OT was a fairy godmother and my literacy support person was another fairy - but much bigger! Helpers I had throughout the day turned into a big Shrek and disguised detectives (there was a trench coat in the dress up box). We went a bit silly and played around with words and new names for ourselves, the clever clown, funny faery, fantastic faery, wicked/wonderful witch etc. We took lots of photo's and we agreed that alliteration and having fun with words were good things to model for the kids... and I'll make a dressing up book that we can read in class and they can take home.

Apparently yesterday Cinderella was quite concerned that I wasn't there to look after them and it looks like I'll never get a day off with approval from the kids! Snow white was a bit unsteady and bewildered by my non appearance too. 2 of them were away and Goldilocks would have called out for me but not been particularly bothered. Sleeping Beauty is unwell, lots of seizures. Mum brought her in for a bit today but didn't really want to come. She had a small seizure in class and recovered ok. Completely off her food, not even throwing it. I sat with her during part of hand program after the seizure, she kept rubbing her head and Mum had mentioned that something was going on there. I stroked that bit of her temple and she calmed down and was no longer focused on touching it but looking around at what the other kids were doing. It was interesting. In the same session Snow White did a lot of independent work but didn't stop where we though her work looked nice and finished, but went on to add some really odd things and cut it in half after mangling it with the scissors and stick white paper over her colouring before she was satisfied. I wish she could tell us what the heck she was thinking.

PD - might save that one til I get around to writing it up for school and VIT assignment.

This morning I got told there was a meeting this afternoon with the head of primary, head of secondary, myself and the principal about the mentoring program. Mostly it was about making sure everyone understood what I was needing to get through the VIT registration process and that those opportunities were being given to me and we were on track. The P said she had assumed that being the heads of departments, those two would take on mentoring duties... but didn't tell them that. B1 and I had already had this discussion but now it is formalised and I have to have someone who has done the mentor training. They asked if I felt it would help if I had a regular time to meet with B1 and that was definitely a yes. I guess you should never expect to get everything you need from one person but it's a pain to have to 'shop' around for the practical and emotion support that I need. I feel a bit bad that I wasn't particularly perky during the meeting. I was there in body, I am just very tired.

p*ssed off paper shuffle dance - Premier's reading challenge, PSG's for preps, PD report, Diaries, Reports - take your pick.

Aftermath of PD

2006-05-17T17:35:00.000+10:00

I feel overwhelmed by the concept of teaching. I doubt my capability to do it properly, or, more accurately, to the standards I set myself. I don't like feeling incompetent on such a regular basis. I know this is supposed to be a learning profession and I don't want to get to the place where I am complacent but I would like to feel proficient, just for one day, where I feel I have the knowledge and resources to do the job as it should be done.

I don't mind Mondays

2006-05-15T22:19:00.000+10:00

Had an awful lot of trouble getting my head together this morning and can't say I managed to achieve that aim at all today.

Literacy was interesting this morning. I worked with Cinderella and it was funny how she got all bashful when things were difficult and bored when she could do it. How do you develop a 'can do' attitude in a 6 year old? I felt bad because we spent a bit, what I felt was too much, time planning and discussing ideas. I so wish we had more time in the day to get this sort of thing done without it having an impact on teaching time.

Swimming was good.

Staff meeting was sleep inducing. It would be nice if the speaker would look at the audience and stay on track. It was also too simple. Bored. Want more. Most of the people are tertiary educated - pitch it higher!

The temp teacher in the room next door is having some life issues. I worry about her. It's hard because professionally I really look up to her. Of all the teachers at that school, she is the one I want to 'grow up' to be like. What sets her apart? Perhaps an outsiders perspective on the place we are in; perhaps the way she deals with my questions no matter what their nature - efficient, practical, no bullsh*t; perhaps because she has high standards and similar frustrations that staff who have been in the place for years can just no longer care about. It's hard to articulate at this time of night, actually it wouldn't be easy at any time. She offers me more support than anyone else and she could do with more than she'll let anyone give her. I like her perspectives on the workings of the place and the personalities within. She has a better grasp of school as a workplace and more to compare it to than me. I like it but it feels weird sometimes. She can articulate it and draw the connections I can sense but not see.

Q & A

2006-05-13T17:27:00.000+10:00

When am I supposed to find time to think and plan?
- Poor young thing, you are still so naive.

When will I lose my idealism?
- You won't, but you will become realistic.
And bitter?
- probably.

Structure or Spontaneity?

This week I have been frustrated by the lack of structure in my math lessons and the ad hoc nature of my teaching – that's a nice way of putting the feeling that I am lurching from one disaster to another. Being from a science nerd background (and a Virgo), I like structure. It gives me comfort and I have an underlying sense that this is what I should have to be a successful teacher.

This has been a thought that has been nagging me all week but only today have I had the head space to nut it out. I have been scrounging math resources and ideas all week but struggling to decide how to put them together in a sequence. I bounce from time to space to number concepts depending on the situation and interest (ok, and behaviour) of the kids. Then this morning I read an article about an 'innovative' way of teaching preps that pretty much goes with the flow of interest. So, I'm thinking what is the point of what I'm ~~doing~~ erm, teaching? My kids may not end up rocket surgeons but they may be able to... really, I don't want to place any limits on where or what they might end up doing – the point I'm trying to make is that I do have to think about now.

They are 6! Learning has to be related and fun. One of the things I loved about the way they taught at this school was the integrated nature of the learning and here I am trying to compartmentalise it to fit some idea of what teaching should be! I think I will collate resources into areas: measurement/growth, space, time, number/counting activities, money, shapes, etc. and then try to apply them to things we do and structure our math sessions around stuff I can link... probably to literacy topics.

Finish making our own number 4 & 5 next week.

E: elephants, enormous > bigger, smaller, same – trace ourselves?

F: fish (we are going on an excursion to buy a class pet!) number, size of fish, volume of water – more or less?

G: growing, measure grass heads growth, measure height. Graph!

H: haircuts for our grass and measure again – how much cut off? Hair colour graph, who has the longest hair?

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

Cinderella behaved well yesterday. I gave her achievable stuff to do and she worked by herself and was rewarded by doing some math on the computer. She didn't whine much but I was still ready for the week to be over at lunchtime. Sleeping Beauty is doing an sneering Elvis impression regularly and delivered a brain curdling scream of defiance/frustration at us today - ouch. We went swimming after lunch. With only 2 students in the pool we got some hard work done and a bit of fun... and I relaxed.

Left for Friday drinks/debrief and found the person who I was looking for at admin. Our nurse, who I am becoming friends with, was talking with the principal.

Nurse:- Are you behaving yourself?

Me:- Me? Never! (Look at Principal) – except when the Principal is looking (put on innocent face).

Principal: (Laughs and seems to day pointedly) Not even when the Principal is looking.

Could be my perception, but I now wonder if that comment had anything to do with anything I said or did at the primary school dinner? Too late now, eh? If they don't like me they don't have to hire me again next year.

Have found a heap of new education blogs, and a stack of Aussie ones that I will add to reading list when I can be bothered tackling the Html.

Sharing

2006-05-11T20:21:00.000+10:00

This morning the primary school meeting ended up in my room. By that point - sadly 8.15 am - I really didn't give a sh*t. One of the other teachers really didn't want to and at least my room was tidy after open day yesterday. So I did my sharing... The sharing thing has always been a strange concept to me in this context. So I did something that was easy for me. I took lots of photo's of the class during a hand program with our OT where we made play dough. Flour, salt, water, food colouring & 6 year olds going banana's! I pasted them into a PowerPoint slide show with some smart a*se comments. The other teachers thought it was great but were dismayed by my use of technology. It looks professional, but that's not really me, it's the program.

Had a good chat with my 'team'. My OT and physio are thinking the same way as me but none of us really have the experience to do anything but experiment for possible solutions. I guess this is what everyone does, but I reckon we'd get there faster with a few more years experience between us. Perhaps that's the point, we learn together. At least they are trained in their fields, I feel I am the one most lacking.

Helped out Dolly with a computer problem. Her formatting was up the creek and she wanted me to help. In the end it was just the page margins that needed adjusting to make the documentfit the page like the original she had. Relatively simple but it really highlights the difference in my comfort with computers compared with most of the teachers I work with. I wonder if this would be different in a school where the kids are capable of using the technology maybe they would drag the teachers up with them.

At the end of today I went to chat with B1 & B2 about my problem with Cinderella and the ohters. I put it honestly, that it pisses me off and when I am tired, sick and grumpy I snap at them and I want to deal with it in a different way. I'm not sure B1 is used to either the way I use language or what I am prepared to be honest about - my failings. She seemed taken a little aback and it was her that replyed that that was a very honest way of putting it. I like her use of 'honest' when I seem to have shocked her a bit. They gave me some different strategies, suggestions and things they did last year. I am still perplexed at the way B1 reacts to me. Maybe I'm too out there for her. I dunno. I won't be anyone but myself, ever. Not doing.

At the PD I went to the other week he suggested we have a telos (brief statement of purpose) - or in my words cheesy quote - to define the important stuff for time management - or sorting out the important stuff... So, I put one up in my room. The kids noticed, so I explained it to them. and in my PD evaluation where they ask what you will implement after the PD, I said that's what I'd do. So this is the quote:

"It is good to have an end to journey towards;
but it is the journey that matters in the end."

Ursula K. Le Guin

Open Day

2006-05-10T22:09:00.000+10:00

or Relatively Painless.

Only had one group through. The kids all said hello and then I was able to get their attention back with a new D game - dress ups! That was actually quite fun and I am looking forward to seeing the photo's.

By the afternoon I was sick of them. I am crook and my tolerance is low. It is hard enough in that class to make it work when there aren't enough hands but I can't be doing with whining! Can't is not a word I want to hear. 'I need help' is fine but don't whine 'I can't' at me. Cinderella had tasks that were within her capability but she wouldn't work at them, and complained she couldn't do them. She didn't try. It really pissed me off a) because she is the one I need to able to work independently and b) because I don't want to encourage learned helplessness - especially not from disabled kids.

I spoke to the teacher next door and she advised me to cut down on the academic challenge in those sessions and work on the persistence and resilience if that was what I really wanted. She told me to worry less and take it easy so I can take a step back and see how far they have come since they started. She seemed to think I needed more structured time with a mentor and she would but she is paid poorly enough for her time and energy anyhow being a short term replacement teacher. She is someone I really like and respect I will miss her a lot when her time here is up.

I need parenting skills. I don't understand 6 year olds and where they are at in life. I can't just teach them things, I need to grow them up too - I really can't think a grammatically decent way of putting that thought, sorry, past my bed time.

Tuesday

2006-05-09T18:45:00.000+10:00

Today was ok. Only 3 kids today. Sleeping Beauty had an appointment and Little Red Riding Hood is still sick. I, however am feeling a tad better. Still got a terrible cough but no pain killers required today.

Talked to B1 about not really lesson planning and she didn't seem to think it was something I should be worried about with my group and at this stage.

Got my reports back from the principal with a couple of grammatical changes to make. All fine with me. I think I am getting more comfortable with her now.

Had half the day to get stuff done but am a bit apprehensive about open day tomorrow. I had a visitor principal and some bloke who shook my hand... (weird) this afternoon when we were just calming down from physical program and waiting to go home. Not the best bit of the day to see. We weren't really doing much. I might need to clean up a bit when I get in tomorrow, but hopefully they won't be looking at my desk...

cough... cough... hnaaaaghk!

2006-05-08T20:43:00.000+10:00

I don't feel very good. Work was ok, but I feel worse now. I will go to bed soon.

I didn't swim today. I had less kids and there were enough helpers to give me the arvo off. I was kind of fizzing today. Had lots of things I felt really needed to be done, but it really depleted my energy to do any of it. I brought stuff home but I won't do any.

This morning I started with two kids and it was really interesting to see the interplay between Goldilocks and Cinderella. Goldilocks was really settled as she was getting lots of attention and Cinderella was a lot nicer to her than usual. Sleeping Beauty arrived and it was harder to keep a lid on things. Snow White arrived at morning tea.

Handed my draft 'reports' in to the principal and asked if I could hand them in on a memory stick at mid year or whenever I was going to be compelled to waste a lot of trees next. She said that was fine and that she needed to be dragged into modern technology. We chatted about it and she was fine if I was the only one doing it that way. Dolly told me that I shouldn't do that as the principal would want them all to do it that way, but I think she know what the teachers here are like.

Showed the teacher in the room next door my CRT folder. She has done lots of emergency teaching and thought it sounded ok. I looked at some of her math stuff and felt really bad that I don't write lesson plans. I just wing it all the time and have it in my head. The problem is that I have to improvise depending on how the kids react. I have no direction, no forward planning. Just one thing at a time. It makes me feel like an inadequate teacher, no matter how great a job people tell me I'm doing.

I gotta go to bed.

Got their bugs!

2006-05-07T18:33:00.000+10:00

I am definitely unwell. At least it has prompted me to finally finish off the information that I need to prepare in case I need a day off.

The important stuff - how my students communicate and eat; and the less important stuff - when I have yard duty, what administrivia needs to be filled in etc.

Friday night I went to bed at 9.30 and slept for 12 hours. Not a good sign, nor is the yellow mucous...

The question I'm left pondering goes kind of like this (my brain isn't running at 100%, forgive me if this verges on the incoherent) Â when is it morally right to take a day off? I like my job, I don't need mental health days yet. They come to school sick and give me their germs, at what point to I accept that I can't do my job or worry that I will give them something? Soldiering on? When does self sacrifice become stupid? I assume I get 15 sick days for good reason. I know when I am incapable of doing the job, but what about when I'm just not doing so well? I guess if I sound too bad tomorrow the other teachers will mother/bully me into taking a day off. I can't have Wednesday off as it's open day. I need to be feeling OK to be able to deal with that.

I think it may be time to put on a pot of soup.

It's kind of weird that now I feel really crook I have the motivation to nest and do my dishes and clean up a bit.

Just one thing after another

2006-05-04T17:51:00.000+10:00

Today I actually had 5 students! Snow White turned up for a day with a nasty cough after having bronchitis for the week. She was a bit unsteady and slower to get going for the day. Mum sent an essay in that had heaps of different things to address... Some days I just can't remember everything. I think I got to the most important things and anything else would have probably overloaded Mum as well.

Cinderella did some great stuff on the computer with our literacy support person, unfortunately Cinderella is better on the computer than her helper and whilst she managed to change the colour of the text they wanted to use, she forgot to activate it. Her helper thought it was just an old computer and it would print in pink... It's interesting that you need someone competent in the skills to get you to the point of problem solving. Everybody learnt something though.

Very tired today after only a moderately late night out for a school dinner. It was ok, but I may have been myself a bit too much...

Had a few good laughs with various people. Tired and flippant is the general excuse... B1 made a gorgeous lemon and cream sponge and I got offered some for afternoon tea after I'd gone in to ask B1 & B2 yet another hundred questions. They had a good laugh at me later when I was putting up some letters my students had made in art in front of our classroom. A, B, C, and D were already there and I added F and E in that order... Oops! Lucky I'm going to do some literacy training soon!

I found a picture I had taken close to the start of the year and it was amazing how blank the walls of the classroom were. B1 & B2 said it showed how much work I'd done. I guess, in a way, it does. It felt good to see the change and to have the classroom constantly evolving.

Ideas for math that I didn't get around to writing down anywhere:
Graphing, grouping, counting - eye colour, hair colour, glasses etc
Outlines of bodies and measuring height in cms, bricks, pieces of string, ducks etc.
Graph tallest, measure other things to compare?
Snakes and ladders group game.
Money concepts to think about.

Mmm... Indian take away dinner at the old's place tonight. Yummo!

Grumpy

2006-05-03T18:12:00.000+10:00

Am feeling a bit better about it now but I was very grumpy, no, angry today.

This morning the head of primary tells me that really need to remove the long strip of masking tape that my physio put down the corridor to improve my kid's mobility. I'm like, um, why?

Well, the tape that was put down at easter seems to have left marks as it took the polish off the parketry*. So if you take this off now it will be ok.
- but the floor is crap anyway, why does it matter?
We need it to look good for open day.
- what's wrong with having tape on the floor?
I'll help you take it off. Look it's peeling bits off already.
- Ms X has had hopscotch longer than the easter things were there...
That will have to go too.
-but won't it look better if it stays? Can I paint one on?

No deal. I wander off in disgust at the direction of this conversation. but I must have rattled her cage enough to get her to head up to admin for a second opinion...

Yes, the floor isn't perfect. When they repaint outside they can do a line there.
- sigh

So, I bitched to everyone, made my physio take it off (and took a lot of the surface off so we can probably walk a line without it now - he he he... bitter laughter), and brought it up when I was chatting to the psychologist this arvo. I'm still not sure how to deal with what I felt like was the head of primary being emotionally dishonest with me. It just made me really angry that the floor came before the learning of my kids and there wasn't even a logical response. Just I'll get an agreementr from higher that it has to come off.

After school I went and chatted with one of the APs. I had calmed down and thought of my own solution. so asked her if she knew where I could get that vinyl stuff that sticks with static electricity because... blah, blah, had to take it off and now it looks worse than if I'd left it on... (she laughed at that!) and the floor is pox anyhow (nods). Then we thought about paint and it looked like if everyone agreed, we could get it done, but then the issue of polishing it off became problematic... so we emailed the sign writer who had just done some stuff for us to see if he could help us out or point us in the right direction. If this doesn't pan out we'll take another look at painting in a way that will stick...

An interesting day. An emotional journey. May even have achieved something.

*stupid flooring for any school!

2006-05-02T21:54:00.000+10:00

Snow White is still away. Some kids will be sent in with nasty coughs and and snotty, grotty noses but I suspect that Mum wont let her precious baby out with even a hint of a sneeze. Sleeping Beauty is still on half days but doing ok with that as she has a lot of stuff happening at home with the moving house and renovations.

B1, my official mentor, pointed me in the direction of a PD this morning that is designed for people who haven't taught literacy before. It looked kind of interesting so I started filling in the forms. In her sales pitch she made me feel a bit more confident about my future at this school. It sounds like they aren't too keen on the idea of having to let me go. Yay!

I have a math lesson with Cinderella and it doesn't go as well as I had hoped. I guess I shouldn't expect her to get the idea in one go no matter how much quicker than the rest of the kids she is. More quarters. More relation to clocks. Counting minutes too...

I have my time release, including the extra I'm supposed to get, and finish the forms. As I'm taking them up the front ...I realise that the date for the first one is on our open day. I get the reaction I expected - not likely. ...You have a very junior class and they all like to bring family in... ...Who would put a PD in education week? ...Email them and see if they are running it on another date...

Disappointment turns to guilty happiness... I check my email and find out that there are 2 extra dates, still on Wednesdays! I really don't like Wednesdays much. I will feel bad leaving the little monsters with a CRT but it will be a nice break to the week... perhaps.

Oh, and my extra swim on the Friday is coming together. I can fit 3 in for the rest of this term and then keep going. YAY!

Blogging Against Disablism Day!

2006-05-01T18:39:00.000+10:00

So this isn't so much about my day today but my thoughts for blogging against disablism day...

The children I teach in my class are all 'disabled'. What does this mean for them? What does it mean for me? I need to teach them the things that will make them able to access mainsteam society and be socially acceptable in it. We can work on their physical capabilities and the behaviour and manners, but can anything we do in a school be enough to create the change that is really necessary.

I am at the point of thinking carefully about separate special schools, integration with mainstream schools and, the 'pinnacle', inclusion. Special schools and integration processes both have their good and bad points but where do we start in creating an inclusive school system, or better yet, society. For me, inclusion is a school/society where it doesn't matter what means you use to gain access to your environment (including people) they are acceptable and available. The dream where everybody is able to see past the wheelchair, the frame and flapping hands, the electronic communication devices and signs, the slurred speech or uncontrollable movements and get to know the amazing people who are more than their diagnosis.

There is a lot about being the parent of a disabled child that I don't understand. The guilt, the greif, the pain that makes you let them get away with anything and everything that any other kid would be in serious trouble for. That makes my life as a teacher hard and it is very wearing maintaining the consistency of discipline that they need.

I also can never understand what it is like for them. The frustration and anger as they realise they are different and the world is not set up to make it easy for them. I want to thank the people with disabilities who blog and give me an insight into the future for my 6 year old students. It may be a bit early to start them blogging though...

Thoughts from last week:

2006-04-30T21:09:00.000+10:00

I still find the principal scary even when she is welcoming and friendly.

I am used to going through channels rather than heading to the top even if it mean waiting for something I need - like help.

People I have spoken to when upset have kept my confidence.

My students are in a special school for a reason.

I still can't be bothered doing my dishes.

Having my car serviced cost $400! I will have to save my pennies.

My foot is not fixed yet :o(

My graduation was on the same day as my pregnant co worker's (for her masters). She said I should have gone. I told her it wouldn't have made it any less boring!

I now have 7 weeks to try and establish some sort of routine in my life. Ha!

My planning still leaves a lot to be desired.

Reading the archives of other bloggers as they started teaching makes me feel a whole lot better, or at least not complete freak.

Did I blog about Goldilocks and the vegemite sandwiches? I can't remember...

I am getting CRAFT disease. Can't Remember A F**king Thing!

Back to bobbing

2006-04-27T20:29:00.000+10:00

Am better today for crying at mum and going belly dancing. More relaxed physically and mentally. That said, I'm very tired and intend to go to bed at 9.30 and sod the dishes!

Today was ok with the kids. I had all of them there this morning and we dressed up as Dippy Duck and I got the photo's done. It was very cute.

Finished the boards in the corridors for my kids, might need another picture for the big VELS level board that I have to do with the other prep class with their level 1 kids.

Have discovered B2's evil twin - and I like her! Dolly (most appropriate name I can think of for the teacher who has become a good mate - my kids swim with her class, I would have mentioned her before) said the evil twin was a lot of fun but would disappear when B1 returned. At lunchtime I commented to B2 that I like her evil twin and she said she would go. Later I dug a bit deeper and she said that the extra work with B1 away had made her tired and flippant. I told her I would make it my mission to get the evil twin to come by more often! Geez, she cracks me up when she is naughty though, and gets me good!

She also told me about her first teaching job in a one teacher country school with 12 kids of every grade level, 2 hours from anyone she knew and her first time out of home! I felt like a big wuss.

Everything was ok today, days like yesterday I hope will come and go (quickly, with any luck!) and although I didn't expect this year to be as hard as it is. Well, I did expect it to be hard but I had no idea what type of hard it would be. I thought it would be discipline with teenagers... he!

Love/Hate... nah, it's not hate yet, but it's definitely love!

Sinking...

2006-04-26T21:42:00.000+10:00

Feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. Held back tears a lot today. Cried at mum this evening. I don't want to worry people but it's hard. I knew this was a difficult thing to take on and it will take time for me to get used to it - but I want it better, NOW!

Hopefully my 'mentor' will be back next week and I can see if she can do something about the fact that I should be doing less work as a graduate. I have 15 mins less duty time scheduled, which is far less than the 5% of total workload that I am entitled to. I don't want to moan about it but I think it would really help me out to have more time. That is my plan for next week. Get it sorted.

The kids were naughty and noisy today. Got very close to yelling at them. Other teachers reckon I should just do it, even if it scares the bejesus out of them. I would feel bad. It might happen.

I'm not like them...

2006-04-25T21:22:00.000+10:00

... but do I want to be?

Yesterday we had a curriculum day and went to see a psychologist talk. He was alright, I learnt some things about different types of people and spent some time feeling pretty uncomfortable amongst teachers. I don't seem to be like them and it wasn't just that I teach in a different setting or that I was in a minority group in a personality analysis exercise, it was more than that, but I'm not sure how to describe it.

There was a lot of talk about kids needing someone to be the adult, someone who seems through their tricks and attitude and can stand up to it. Maybe it's not so relevant to 6 year olds or maybe it's easier as they are so much smaller, but I'm not sure I am ready yet to be that adult for anyone, even myself.

Most of the teachers were, um, a bit boring. They are such 'normal' people. It was hard being in a huge group of people and feeling that you don't fit in. That and I get bored very easily and there wasn't enough detail on the things I was actually interested in. That, and I couldn't really contribute to any group discussion on our table. I met a nice grade 2 teacher and she had some good insights into kid's behaviour that I learnt a lot from.

Today we had a day off for Anzac day. I went to a mate's place to watch the footy. (Go Pies!) Rode my bike over and it was a good ride. Made my foot very very sore by kicking the footy in the street and in the back yard. The ride home was ok but my foot is still occasionally throbbing today. Taking it easy at work tomorrow will be a bit difficult... It's so frustrating that it's still not right and the slightest amount of increase in activity causes pain again. Not happy!

Only three days left of this week. I think I can make it.

Like a tightly coiled spring

2006-04-20T20:15:00.000+10:00

I had all sorts of stuff earlier but reading other blogs with similar concerns calms me down so much. I really like the newest posting from Middle School Mayhem, but it worries me that I could be teaching for years and none of this would get any better. I had a chat with the head of the Speechies this evening at about 6pm... We are our own worst enemies. Caring about your job and not burning out - where is the 'how to' manual? Balance. HA!

Tomorrow the assembly will be over and I will go for a drink. Then it is just organising for open day in education week. My room got new tables on tuesday arvo. I have an awful feeling that not only my over attached mums (and families) will attend but also that random visitors and potential enrollees will want to see prep classes... It will be chaos! I hope there will be someone to act as a bouncer at the end of it!

I can't believe how tense I am at the moment. I know I need to swim tomorrow morning but it will be such a struggle getting out of bed. I liked the sun in the morning but hate this dark and rain. No good for my mood at all.

Sigh. No need for pirates either. They are such girls. Cinderella has Mini Mouse on her eye patch and refuses all attempts to persuade her to be a pirate.

Snow White made the sounds of A, B & C today and tried to sing along with tic-tac-toe! She is also using communication books quite well. Wish I had more speech imput for her.

My physio has a bad back and isn't really engaged in her job here. The other physio who has one of my kids is doing thinking for her. I guess it's good that someone is picking up the slack, but then at least she's not ruining herself for the sake of others. Anyway I have to remember to ask her about a corset or something for Goldilocks.

I had a couple of good laughs today which was nice. One was in the middle of the staff meeting and included a snort which wasn't so good, but it was such an hilariously innappropriate comment.

I am going to try to remember to join in for Blogging Against Disablism Day. This link will take you to another site with all sorts of great links on living with disability. If I taught older kids, who were capable of it, I would get them blogging their experiences. It all contributes to the sum of human experience that would impossible to get by simply meeting and talking to people. At least that's one of my excuses.

One of THOSE days

2006-04-19T22:27:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling a bit better now. I've been to belly dancing with my mum and talked to my best mate who is freezing her ar*e off in a tent somewhere...

What's wrong? It's hard to say, but after Easter thing haven't been coming together well. I thought I was getting the balance thing happening but I don't seem to have enough time to get things done. The things I think that are getting left behind are the teaching and preparing decent lessons for my kids. That bothers me a lot.

People are looking out for me, which is nice, but I don't know what to tell them when they ask me how they can help. Stick all the velcro on for me??? I don't know! Although if I asked, they probably would do it for me...

I went to the relaxation session that the psychologist is running. It was good, but at the end she asked how I was doing and I didn't manage much in the way of a positive reply. She patted me sympathetically and I, of course, started crying... it was good to get some of it out and have someone tell me it's all normal. Doesn't make it feel much better, but at least I care enough to be worried about stuff... hmmm.

Cinderella was away today having her eyes looked at. They have deteriorated and she has to wear a patch over one eye for 3 hours a day. If she's not feeling too good about it I have got a perfect excuse for doing pirate things and having us all wear an eye patch in sympathy! It even fits with literacy, we can all be Captains!

Sleeping Beauty hasn't been well and is doing half days at school to try to get her enough sleep to stop her seizures. She has been really engaged in some things we are doing and been great at picking the right name when given a choice and asked a question in morning circle. She has also been verbalising a lot too. But the poor popette is so tired that she will snuggle into anyone who is within reach with a soft limb available to rest her head on.

I think Snow White may have had a seizure today but I'm not 100% sure. I described it in the diary to mum as jerky, shaky movement but whilst maintaining eye contact. I'm hoping it wasn't, or that we'll find out if it was. My pregnant co-worker was there and she wasn't sure either. It was definitely different.

Drowning not waving

2006-04-18T21:57:00.000+10:00

Easter was nice but after a four day weekend I didn't really want to go back to work. That kind of disappointed me, but a job is still a job no matter what kind of love/tear my hair out relationship I have with it...

I think new teachers should be told to say no to everything in the first year. Tomorrow I am (sort of) co-ordinating the primary teachers doing morning tea for everyone for the month's birthdays. Luckily, I am getting lots of help, I have no idea what I am doing or am supposed to be doing.

This Friday I am doing whole school assembly with another teacher. She had a great idea that we do ANZAC day as she can't remember there ever being one at the school. I have spent a lot of time I had other things planned for today downloading pics and music for a powerpoint presentation. I think I'm into about 30 odd slides now... My partner in crime looked askance at what I had discovered on the net, but she went up to the office and came back with a heap of stuff to give all the teachers as a heads up and to send home to the parents... She is going to do the talking, as I am feeling a bit chicken, and I am making the fancy technological stuff that will make the other teachers go "Ooooohh...". To be honest I am having fun learning all the effects and cute stuff I can do with powerpoint, but this needs to be a bit serious, I'll save it for my play dough presentation... That is probably coming up very soon too...

So, I am feeling a bit stressed today. I'll get over it...

Snow White is having a great time on the bus and going home on it every day this week. YAY!

In physical program, without our physio today, I got Cinderella onto a scooter. I convinced her to keep staying on it by nicking it and scooting off if she left it unattended. OK, so I was having fun... She won't balance and turn properly yet but that's why she's using it! It worked well splitting riding with balance/walking things. Not really happy that I had another session without the proper staff, they just don't get as much out of the session with me rather than a physio. I just have to try to go in the same direction and meet some of our goals...

I'm sure I had something else to say but I can't think any more now.

Teacher or Case Manager?

2006-04-12T17:50:00.000+10:00

Yesterday's blog seemed very calm because I completely forgot about PSGs. They are pretty much parent teacher interviews but with the a rep from the therapists. So, it becomes Parent Support Group meetings. I had two with the kids who had been there a year. Their parents are great and it was all no dramas. I was bricking it before hand though. It will be harder with the prep parents though.

Also forgot that the day would be different because of the PSGs. It worked out ok though because the activity I had planned for this afternoon was set to go in the middle session when we usually have a physical program but today all the specialists were up in senior school for PSGs there. Lucky! We made easter baskets and easter egg stained glass windows with cellophane. They turned out great.

It's so easy to write about my day rather than connect with what I'm feeling at the moment. It's like if I do, I'll be overwhelmed by it. Things are ok, and people keep telling me I'm doing a good job but being a teacher and effectively a case manager for 5 kids daily education and care (eating, drinking, toileting, transport, physio, speech therapy, OT, medications...), being the centre of all that stuff is such a huge job. I am always feeling like I could be doing it better but haven't learned to give myself a break yet. I could do it better if there were 48 hours in a day and I had at least 8, preferably 10, really long arms!

Snow White went home on the bus for the first time today. They changed her bus route so she gets home earlier and leaves later and her poor Mum has had enough of her and is feeling pretty bad about that. I really hope it works out ok. It would make my life easier and hers!

Treading water?

2006-04-11T18:43:00.000+10:00

Today was ok except I keep thinking it's a Wednesday and think it's been great for a Wednesday!

Cinderella and I did some math in the morning while the other girls were ~~with the god botherers~~ at RE. She can do most of it with a little prompting but her writing of numbers needs a bit more work so we go back and forward in emphasis between doing the sums and writing the numbers well.

Then we went across the hallway to do some values ed with the other preps. Later in the day B2 went through where they are at with it and I am happy to follow if not quite exactly. I also had time to ask her about how to structure my integrated studies topics which I feel that I haven't been managing very well. I felt better afterwards coz it turns out I'm not doing too badly and now I have plenty of ideas for how to start the next one. I can start a bit of written planning over Easter (hehehe - as if...). I need a new list of things I need to get done in the near future... maybe after I find my desk again...

I am working on the swimming on Fridays plan and my pregnant co worker who has about 7 days of school left took my kids for a while in the library. I got some book binding and laminating done. I seem to spend my life printing, cutting, laminating, cutting, applying velcro and binding books with those weird ring things...

Tomorrow should go ok as there is good stuff in the morning and in the arvo I have prepared an activity that we should be able to get done... It's in the math section... colours is math right? umm... what about spatial awareness of shapes fitting together... I'll try to put a pic up of one tomorrow, no point explaining it now.

This morning I put a few rabbit tracks around the primary school and another teacher - lets call her leopard print lady - put bits of white fluff around like bits of tail left behind. There were 4 today, I will do more each day til Thursday... The kid's reactions ranged from nonplussed to curious to confused.

This week could be a good 'un!

In the swim

2006-04-10T19:42:00.000+10:00

Umm... Friday I was tired and slightly wired so after a few of us had drinks. I went out. So no blog. I thought about it on the weekend but couldn't bring myself to write it down. What was I thinking about?... stuffed if I know! Friday was ok for a Friday. Only had 3 by the end of the day so sent Little Red Riding Hood walking, made play dough in a zip lock bag with Goldilocks and let Cinderella choose what she wanted to do... So she played with her play dough and then did something educational on the computer. She has nearly learnt how to log in by herself and will soon be more competent than many teachers... Goldilocks cracked me up as she was wanting to sit in everyone else's chairs today. "I want to sit in Cinderella's chair!", "I want to sit in Sleeping Beauty's chair!" I told her that her chair was just right and that where she should sit.

Got a bit mad on Friday when I found out that my class would miss swimming again because of parent teacher interviews in junior school and miss music and library because of parent teacher interviews in the senior school. I was almost sounding like Cinderella - "but what about me?..."
I found a way around the swimming and today have been looking into alternatives to make up for missing so many swims on a Monday. Snow White and Sleeping Beauty both had really bad nights and went home at lunchtime, LRRH isn't swimming yet so Goldilocks, her mum, Cinderella and myself went in the pool today. Goldilock's mum would like her to learn to swim but she is such a wriggler and won't do as she's told that it will be quite hard. But it's good physio for her legs anyway. Cinderella did really well today, picking up rings from the bottom of the pool, swimming laps and floating for ages.

Our literacy session was good. We did lots of 'C' stuff and read what we found out on Friday was Sleeping Beauty's favorite book - "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" it is great because it has a Caterpillar and lots of counting. Later we coloured Clever Cat with circle sponge stamps. That was fun and Snow White did most of it by herself. Very little help required. Then we cut some coloured cellophane. We are doing some bits of easter stuff but it is all bunnies and eggs from my end and the RE ladies can do Jesus on a stick tomorrow for the kids.

My mentor who has been away a lot over the last few weeks is off 'til the first of May. So much for a mentor. I guess I have been mostly going it alone anyhow. At least now I have a few more people to talk to for back up, but I don't want to take up too much of their time with my needs when it's not a role they have put their hand up for.

Also, on Friday some of my lovely colleagues from over the other side of the courtyard asked how I was going with reports and offered to take my kids for half an hour if I had stuff I needed to do. I thought that was such a sweet offer. I didn't take it up but as my mentor who has vanished was going to look over my stuff I should have got them to proof read it instead. Ah well, too late now.

I got my new computer today. It is very black and sleek but very IBM... Perhaps now I can re do this one with Linux...

I listened to this today. It was linked on Falling Off My Pedestal. It's from BBC4 radio about an oral history project being done by Scope about people with disabilities, particularly CP, by people with disabilities. Very interesting the differences and similarities between lives now and then.

New Acronym of the day...
CP: Cerebral Palsy

(insert witty title here)

2006-04-06T19:07:00.000+10:00

I had time release this arvo and eventually came to the conclusion that there is never enough time so I should probably stop worrying about it.

Today we made play dough. I was always going to be a bit risky given the way my kids throw things around but the OT and I decided what the hell, it'll wash off. It was fun. I took heaps of photos to make a powerPoint presentation for 'sharing' in a few weeks time at our primary school meeting. Some were great blurry action shots as a tub full of flour is pushed off a table... the photo that follows is of my speckled white pants leg and the remarkably upright and full tub of flour on the floor. That student did the rest of their mixing in a zip lock bag, which worked just fine. The other 3 (I had goldilocks away today which may have made things a bit easier...) played in the flour, mixed in the salt, glugged it up with water and chose a colour to add (which is why I now have very blue fingers).

Our playdough in the fridge!

In other exciting news, I will get my new computer next week so I can download my photos, move things by memory stick all to the lap top! They arrived this week but the computer guy has to set them all up (and unpack them all) and then they will go to the office and be presented after you have filled in a mountain of administrivia. I saw it today and gave it a little pat hello. I should get it next week sometime. YAY! I can leave the crappy 98 computer to the kids!

Today on yard duty amongst other things I reset the watch of the boy who has the same watch as me. Why wear it if it doesn't show the right time? It's such a little thing... and now I can check his watch if i'm not wearing mine!

This is a link to a Washington Post article on education blogs that mentioned one of my regular reads. Interesting to see their take on why edu blogs exist.

I think I'm behind and up the creek with my reports... I don't care that much coz I am very confused and it's not as if I have them all done from everyone else either, but better yet, I am forgiven because I am new, inexperienced and confused.

Sometimes you just need a chokki biscuit

2006-04-05T17:54:00.000+10:00

I've mentioned that Wednesday isn't my favorite day, yes? Ok, so I won't go there again just yet.

Literacy block went fine except for the bit where Cinderella burst into tears because we ran out of time to make the Clever Cat masks. Very unusual for her. Seems sad, tired and out of sorts with the new baby at home.

Physical program is still a work in progress but in the other group Little Red Ridinghood was doing some great walking, her feet are so flat since the operation! In our group we had the usual acting up by Goldilocks and the sudden energy failure of Sleeping Beauty who paid far more attention once she was sat back down in her chair. Snow White got some quality time with a speechy and was a happy little critter today. Seems like she is starting to settle and gain confidence. Did a lot more vocalisation today too.

Math wasn't so great. It was just me for most of the session and all five are really hard for me to get quality work out of. I had a helper in for about 45 mins and she worked with the older two. That was ok. Then we came back to the tables and tried to make some numbers. Cutting, pasting, colouring, scrunching up paper and putting glitter on... The place was such a mess afterwards but I learnt some important lessons. Give out less glitter, don't expect independent work from many of them. Change the structure so we all do the same thing at once but take turns - i.e. now we are cutting, now we are pasting etc etc... It is hard work by myself which is also why I don't like Fridays much either.

It was beautiful and sunny 'til lunchtime when the weather turned foul. I'm not a fan of winter.

Yesterday I forgot to put in the funny story - I remembered it about 5 minutes after I'd turned off the computer. So here goes...

It got back to the computer guy that I has a picture of him on my notice board coz I knew he hated the pic and so then I drew horns on his head and dubbed him the devil with this hordes of evil computers. Next he brought some darts at recess. We threw them until I finally got him through the forehead... I had to focus on my crappy computer and the blue screen of death to do it though. Later he asked if he could have that pic for knife throwing... and I'm like 'What the?'. So as I got to lunch he takes me to see the board the boys (the maintenance man, IT guys, random young guy & part time computer helper) have made. It has the IT guy traced on to it and now had his face at the top. I was offered the double ended steak knives that the maintenance guy had made... The best I could manage was to bounce one off his face... nothing stuck. Then he had a go and was just as bad! Today he tells me they have made a spear... Boys!

ummm

2006-04-04T21:26:00.000+10:00

Not sure I have much to say today.

Went in early. Missed my 5 pm leaving curfew and stayed til six. Got stuff done which made me feel productive but quite tired.

Had good interactions with Snow White's mum today. She wrote in the diary and was great on leaving. She may even let SW swim by herself next week. I will try to reward her by sending home some pictures I took today.

I joked with lots of people at work today. I like that I work in a place where I can just be myself. People are giving it back to me now too...

The aide I had at the start of the year is back after breaking her pelvis. She is great, has kids of her own and is quite easy going. I am glad to have that bit of stability back.

My speechy seems to have disappeared entirely. I am told they are looking into a replacement coz my kids sure could do with the input. Snow White is getting better at letting things be known though and Cinderella will point out to someone in charge that SW needs to tell them something. Usually it is the toilet but I hope in time there will be more. Today she signed toilet and was taken to the loo where she sat and went! This is a huge achievement for one of our kids except she was a bit confused, I was told, when the toileting ladies were clapping and cheering for her. Mum thought it was great too.

My physio was away today but I took my remaining kids (Sleeping beauty had a neurologists appointment in the arvo) bike riding. 1. They are easy to manage and are strapped on to the bike - I like it. 2. They love bike riding - can't ask for more than that! What a winner! Little Red Ridinghood being post op couldn't ride and being a bit emotionally delicate at the best of time and more so now was unhappy she couldn't ride. I tried to include her and she was being pushed around but then I had better thought and we went back to the room and set her up with a motorcycle cop's helmet a bit of wood for a radar gun and put a siren noise on the big mack so she could push the button and get a wee-oo wee-oo type noise. She loved it! It got her involved but she didn't have to be on a bike to be a part of it. We chased after the speeding Cinderella at one point and she rides faster than I can chase after her running whilst pushing a wheelchair... I was tired at the end. Goldilocks tired early. Cinderella was sweating but wanted to keep going and SW had a great time - but thought the wee-oo noise was too loud and said/signed so (YAY!).

Inclusive ed is something you have to work hard at, but when it works it's magic.

Week 8 begins...

2006-04-03T19:40:00.000+10:00

I didn't blog on Friday as I went away for the weekend. I didn't do anything for school. It felt good. Though made me a bit anxious this morning, but it was all fine.

Recap from Friday... Odd day with kids all over the place started with 4 and finished with 2. Got some good one on one stuff done and it was a better Friday than usual.

Today:

Sleeping Beauty had the snuffles and stayed home.

Snow White had a good day (and her mum wasn't too annoying either – I could have strangled her on Thursday...).

Little Red Ridinghood was back again for the morning, tiring easily but doing well post op. She was back on Friday as she was bored at home and mum had had enough too. Is managing longer periods in her standing frame but changes back and forth between chair and frame improve her disposition. She is in for half a day so far but we'll see how she goes by the end of the week.

Goldilocks was a pain but continued to be so when mum came to swim with her – at least it wasn't just my classes being boring then. I suppose I have to accept that they have moods and off days too.

Cinderella was subdued but only a little whiney and we had a good swim at the end of the day where she worked really well and put a lot of trust in me and tried hard at the scary things. She can float well with a little build up and managed over 20 seconds worth today. She did some great almost freestyle and is starting to remember to breath and keep going. I was very proud of her fighting panic and keeping going in the deep end.

One of my mates is in a similar mood to mine last week. She is teaching high school science and math so our problems are similar but different, however, the emotion is all the same. First year teaching doesn't appear to be particularly good for anyone.

[That's 50 blog posts... I never expected to keep it going for this long... or have 3 loyal readers! - even if one of them reckons it's all boring...]

...and I don't like Thursday much either

2006-03-30T20:42:00.000+11:00

That's just coz I'm grumpy and don't need to be. Too much paper work, malfunctioning computers and printers, help I need I don't know how to get, constant feeling that I'm teaching by the seat of my pants, annoying parents – really annoying parents (I never thought teaching would make me so angry!), printing ridiculous things that could stay digital, starting a new term with nothing felling like it's progressing – actually that's not entirely true – I have noticed a change in some of the kids, they get it, well, some of it now but I still need to be so much tougher... but a six year olds can push your patience for a lot longer than a teenager and I can't fake strict but I really don't want the emotions that go with it! Now, where was I? Moaning, that's right.

I stayed back late this evening to get 'reports' done. They aren't very good or well thought out which offends my sense of perfectionism, but I really don't know what I'm doing and they are technically a draft – that means I can make it better later, right?

The other morning when I was fixing stuff up on the staffroom computer the principal stopped for a chat and told me not to stress about things as I'm new and still learning and I needed help with things just to ask. I am not so intimidated by her now but am not quite myself yet (i.e. still on good behaviour). I can joke with the APs now, and was asked if I was causing trouble in the office this afternoon – I was just stirring the pot, but really I would like newsletters emailed or with a website and archives, how many trees have to go for stuff no one really reads?

I don't like Wednesdays

2006-03-29T18:41:00.000+11:00

There is nothing good on a Wednesday. It is work. Making it fun for myself (let alone the kids) turns me mental.

Only had the preps today with the other two away. It was ok and we got some stuff done but I still feel that we are fumbling along with very few set plans or programs. Our new OT seems nice, my speechie is still absent but I am supposed to have 2 in on a Wednesday so 1 was better than usual total of 0! We actually achieved something and have discovered Sleeping Beauty's hand gesture/sign for finished. It's not a clear finished sign but having a speechie have time to work it out is great!

Two of my kids had seizures in the car on the way to school this morning according to their parents. Snow white pulled up fine but Sleeping Beauty had another mid morning. It was the first one I'd seen of hers. So very quick. I was glad that I had asked mum about how they had presented this morning. I had been worried that they would be subtle and I wouldn't notice them. I have got to know the kids well enough now that I can recognise those changes. I called her mum at lunchtime even though she seemed ok. Her mum came and picked her up after play so she could go home and sleep as the seizures tend to get more frequent with tiredness.

It feels really weird calling parents like I am a responsible adult... I need to do it again when the kids are at homecrafts to see how Little Red Ridinghood is doing post op, she might be back for half days next week depending on the pain...

In the last session I had a prep in from across the road who wasn't swimming. When she was brought in I was told that she was an octopus and a scallywag so they thought she would fit right in with my kids! Luckily by this time I only had 2 left! It was an interesting change to have my glasses snatched at by a different kid...

Swore a bit at the computer at school as I faced another blue screen of death... not happy. So I went to pick up the stuff I had printed and it's all smeared... not happy. The computer guy called the photocopy people to come look at it and didn't seem very hopeful about my computer.

It makes me stress when I look at all the stuff the other prep class get done. My pregnant co worker says I should just not look at it then!

I need an early night tonight.

Arrrgh!

2006-03-28T20:37:00.000+11:00

My pirate name is:

Mad Anne Flint

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

What's it all about?

2006-03-28T19:56:00.000+11:00

Contents may vary from illustration on the packet.

That's what should be put on anything to do with encouraging people to take up teaching. At uni one gets the idea that teaching is about content and curriculum that you deliver, make interesting (with any luck...) and the little darlings learn. OK, it's still about them learning something and you teaching it but it certainly hasn't turned out to be subject knowledge! Creating decent human beings that fit into society, do their best, play nice with others, know how to find out what they need to know and get what they require (say please!) is something that apparently starts in prep and appears not to have an end for school teachers. Content knowledge? Maybe later... or incidentally along the way.

I was somewhat disenchanted to find out I am not alone in these thoughts.

What worries me is that I'm not sure I'm really qualified as a person to teach this stuff to wee kiddies. Teenagers have a keen bullsh*t detector and someone has done the hard work already. Teaching these things to 6 year olds makes me wonder if I am morally responsible enough. I am not ready to be a parent but have put my self in a position of parental type responsibility... what was I thinking ?!?!

They're baaaack!

2006-03-27T20:57:00.000+11:00

...and so am I! What worries me is that it feels just the same as before. I guess that's why I have decided that I need to make changes to the way I do things.

This term is going to be about finding a balance between work and having a life, finding ways of switching off and being more productive with the preparation work etc. that I do.

Just as an aside – I realised last night, after not getting anything like I'd hoped to done in my holidays, that I will never be the super organised planned ahead type person I long to be. I have always promised that I will do better next term/year/subject but I have to face the fact that I won't ever do anything until I'm good and ready and very, very close to a deadline. Sigh. Can I still have my dreams?

Today was really grey and dark. Winter approaches. At least it was still reasonably warm.

The kids were quite subdued today and Little Red Ridinghood was away after surgery during the holidays. Snow White came in very upset and her mum said she'd been a pain all holidays including doing a Russell Crowe impersonation throwing the home phone around! She behaved fine at school, no different to last term.

I am really bummed that not only do we miss heaps of swimming classes this term because of public holidays on Mondays, but today the pool boiler was on the blink and it was too cold to swim in. We played games in the hall but it just wasn't the same.

The ants that visit my kitchen seem to prefer protein rich dirty dishes to sweet stuff but they just don't do a good enough job to put the dishes away as clean. Almost, but not quite.

I dragged myself out of bed this morning for a swim and the teacher I swim with said that no one sleeps well the night before school goes back, no matter how long you've been teaching. I really didn't want to hear that!

We had a really boring staff meeting this arvo and I nearly fell asleep. It went for ages and and once it turns 5pm there is no point me going to play in traffic. So I got some stuff done that I have been putting off all holidays (promised myself not to do any more school stuff once home) and had a great drive home with hardly any traffic. One day I will leave early...

Teaching rounds are NOT like teaching!

2006-03-20T09:43:00.000+11:00

How so? Weeeell...

It turns out that although you think you are experiencing 'teaching' like it's the real thing, it is so far from the real thing that it's hard to compare the two. The following areas are discussed in no particular order of importance: responsibility, organisation, discipline, planning, administrivia and paper warfare, politics, relationships/friendships/mentoring, support and self sufficiency. I may think differently about these topics in the future...

[*WARNING* This will probably be dry and boring to non teaching readers. It is also very long!]

5 weeks was nowhere near as physically and mentally and emotionally draining as this short 6 week term. It's nice to get a break now but I worry about how I will cope with a full length term. The last 2 weeks have felt like a full time low grade smokey pub hangover. I hope I will build some resistance to the stress otherwise this job will make me ill on a regular basis (This may be why the job comes with so many sick days though...).

The responsibility that I have as a 'real' teacher sometimes feels enormous! On rounds you can always look to someone else to take charge if you are unsure. Now I just have to make it up, appear confident and hope for the best. I can get advice before or after an event, but whilst it's happening you're it! Other people in the team look to me for guidance and decision making. How do I want it to happen, should we do this, what do you want me to do – in short, I don't really know. Learning to control the events in my classroom is a big task, especially when I often have a cast of thousands in to help or just one person I need to make the most of. Things change so often, as do the kids. I spend a lot of time thinking on my feet and there may be no way around this. I naïvely thought you could plan, including contingencies and then it would be fine. These kids create so many contingencies that a lot of the time I just feel I have to go with the flow and make the most out of the time for a positive, fun, educational experience. It's hard for me to relax into something like that and say 'Whatever, never mind. We'll do it this way then.' When I have to make up an answer and work by trial and error I feel like I am not doing the best I could for my students, that I ~~should~~ could do better if I knew more, but I understand (or at least a small, rational part of me does) that I am creating, or having, the experience that my answers will one day come from. On teaching rounds, you have someone to say 'perhaps try it this or that way next time.' I have no such luxury now and can only try to describe what happened to colleagues and hope they have a good idea for me. The kids and class dynamic are so different that each teacher may need to create something new to make things work and that is a bit daunting at this stage.

Organisation... on the run... When you start something new with no idea what you are doing you have to play catch up to get ahead again – or perhaps not sleep, but I am too lazy for that option. Maybe other new teachers cope with this better than I. I am usually a very organised person even if things look cluttered. At the end of this term I have no idea what many of the bits of paper littering my desk and shelves refer to or even if they are important. That is why I will be going in to school this holidays... and maybe a little future planning now I have a clue what I am supposed to be doing. On teaching rounds you have plenty of time to plan and make cool stuff for the kids to do. One of my kids works well and independently with worksheets... Great! I'll photocopy a book and that's one less thing for me to think about! This change has come about a lot more quickly than I expected. Teaching rounds gives you a false sense of security that it's all manageable, and it would be, if you were teaching a 0.5 fraction. My kids don't generally work independently either, so unless I put a video on, I am teaching all the time. It would be nice to set kids on a task and then get on with some administrivia that needed doing but it's not going to happen in my world.

On teaching rounds, you walk into a fully formed class. Maintaining discipline is easier than creating it from a rabble of kids who have never met you before. My kids are a bit different in that it may take me a lot longer to get through to them but I am not the only new teacher experiencing this. I love my gorgeous, demonic (at times – and don't think because they are cute and disabled that they don't know what they are doing either!) and demanding students but sometimes I really want to throttle them. Maintaining and teaching discipline, both rules and self discipline is a crap job when parents won't reinforce and I need to build the line between home and school behaviour. I thought it was cool on teaching rounds when my supervising teacher wasn't there and I was the authority in the room. I now realise that this would not have been possible without a lot of hard work by them earlier in the year. I was just reaping the benefits.

Administrivia. How many trees had to die to tell me shit I don't give a rat's a*** about? Can't they send me emails I can archive or delete and leave the trees alone? Oh, yeah. That's right, no one would look at it. Do they look at their bits of paper? I understand we have to be told, to shift responsibility but really... Don't print it if it's on the school network – send me an email with a link. Then there's reports... When you are on teaching rounds you plan and teach. When you teach you plan, you teach, you fill out lots of forms and read lots of memos only a few of which will really have any effect on your students or your teaching of them. It's a pain in the but and leave you with less time for good planning because you always feel like you are behind in the paper chase and other responsibilities. Some days I feel like I need a secretary to tell me what is due when and where I am supposed to be next – oh, yard duty/team meeting/staff meeting, you say?

When you are on teaching rounds the school politics doesn't really touch you. You may be aware of some of it, but in the end it doesn't matter. Working in a school is different. At the moment I am vaguely aware of several sets (or subsets) of political workings going on. I am trying not to take sides as I don't really know what's going on, but already I am aware that it affects the relationships I form with other teachers. As the principal is fairly new to the school there is a power shift going on as she takes full leadership of the school. Things are changing and it's hard to know where you stand. One of the APs is retiring soon, so it will be interesting to see if her replacement comes from within the school. Some of the teachers seem to think it may create waves if the expected choice from within the school isn't appointed. Apparently the principal has a different style that a lot of the staff welcome, and who wouldn't welcome the chance to say what you think and have it taken into consideration instead of being shouted down or stepped on. How does this effect me? I am being mentored by the head of primary, who is considered to be very old school and the staff adoption of a confrontational relationship with management might make things very interesting. I am not used to being quiet about issues that I think are important but being on anyone's side at the moment would not be a good thing for me. So, I will do what I have always tried to do when confronted with work politics, be on good terms with everyone.

Relationships, friendships, mentoring... These I bundled up together coz they are all about getting on with other people, I guess. My mentor is the head of primary. She is sweet but very serious and under a lot of stress. I like her and respect her but it's not as if we click. I can't make her laugh and sometimes she looks at me like she's not really sure how to take me – I hope that in time she will realise that seriously is not the best way to take me most of the time. I am quite happy to share the professional issues I have with my teaching with her but not so much the emotional ones. Luckily I have found other teachers who I feel more comfortable with in that area who are a great support. In some ways I am lucky to be the youngest on the teaching staff amongst women who have kids my age. I am looked after and helped. I wish they could see more of that need in each other. The only people my age are the therapist and teachers and therapists don't generally tend to hang out much. I think that's just an age and stage of life thing and I'll be able to get to know them better as the year progresses. I would like to have a close friend at school but I am not feeling particularly isolated either socially or professionally. One of the best things on teaching rounds was other student teachers who were going through the same thing. That mutual support at morning tea, lunch or in a shared office was great and I miss that relationship of equals that I can't have with anyone here. At least compared to teaching rounds I am not tied to one person for advice and I have more personalities to sift through to find people I can relate to.

On teaching rounds you have someone watching your class and giving feedback. Where it was good, what worked well, where you could improve, suggestions on how to improve. Now I am on my own, teaching in a unfamiliar area. Great! The support I get now is rarely direct unless I ask someone to come into my class to have a look and give me some ideas. I have to ask for any specific help or suggestions I need. I get provided with general info and support but my mentor a) doesn't want to cramp my style with too much 'this is the way we do it' type thing b) doesn't know what help I need until I work it out for myself. She is teaching her own class, not watching over my shoulder. Some self sufficiency is necessary even to be able to work out that you need help. I would like some constructive feedback on my lessons but people just tell me I'm doing a good job, I tell them about a concern with the students during that lesson and they say 'Oh, that's normal for this school. It will be trial and error for a while'. No easy answers here, but I'm probably happier being frustrated whilst working it out for myself than if I were being told what I should be doing all the time.

Imagine having half a teaching load and the rest of the time for planning and reflection! Ah, teaching rounds – I almost miss them now I am really thinking about it... I went into this job with little idea of what would be expected of me and no idea what my students would be like. Imagine the luxury of watching another teacher with the same class for a time before starting to find out what works with them and who's who in the zoo. Actually being the teacher I haven't had such luxury of teaching rounds and have been flying by the seat of my pants for 6 weeks. I now have time to stop, recover and plan out some ideas and directions for next term (not to mention go through all the bits of paper people have been handing me since day one. I really hope there wasn't anything too important in there!). I feel bad when I haven't really thought things through, as if I'm letting the kids down. There is a lot of trial and error but I feel I'm not being systematic enough about it. I couldn't have a CRT in for a sick day as I haven't written hardly anything down yet! I am glad it's a short term and I can get on top of things now and get my head together for next term.

The last thing I want to mention, unless I think of anything else to add to this epic ~~ramble~~ reflection, is the fact that I was unaware of the amount that emotion is a factor in teaching. Perhaps on rounds you have a lack of ownership of the class, but I am surprised on a regular basis by my emotions for my kids and how much of the inner part of me is a large part of my teaching. I expected I'd teach science and math (or health) to teenagers and nothing on rounds prepared me for the emotional journey that teaching is taking me on. Be ye warned!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2006-03-17T15:03:00.000+11:00

Holidays are important for teacher's health and sanity.

It took the first few days to get myself back to feeling like a normal person with a brain that holds information and energy levels above that of a sick sloth.

I went into school yesterday and got stuff done that I never have time for with the kids around. I feel much better now I have the filing cabinet set up and folders for various bits of administrivia in order. I probably need another half a day to get everything as ship shape as I can with the school computer system offline.

I had lunch with the new music teacher there and it was a great chance to find out about things she had done in her career. She taught outdoor ed for years to special kids and has taught as a classroom teacher and going into music is following something she has always done in education but never formally. I really think being a primary teacher in the first place makes this kind of teaching easier.

Talked to the principal for a wee bit about the new painting being done and moving the art work around to cope with the new colour scheme. I'm sure with repeated contact I will get over being such a chook... She seems friendly, but how friendly are you supposed to be with the principal?

Now I need to get to all the stuff at home that I have been leaving in piles because I have been to tired from work... but no, I'm blogging...

The long reflective piece just needs proof reading then I'll post it. Final word count is over 2000... not for the faint hearted.

Hol-i-daay! Cel-e-braate!

2006-03-12T18:22:00.000+11:00

It will be alright!

It's holidays. Especially early so all the wee kiddies can be patriotic and go watch our athletes triumph at the Empire games! And try not to think about the money spent on elite sport that doesn't go to health, education, grassroots sports.......

I feel pretty crap so am taking it easy for a few days before I try to catch up with having a life. I am writing a reflection on the differences between teaching rounds and the real thing. It has blown out to 1500+ words currently. So, I'll put a warning on for the non teacher types looking for entertaining stories...

Hmm... entertaining story for a short post. One of my kids has a new baby sister and she is well over it and getting quite whiney. Her new favorite line is "What about me?" I don't think she is getting the sympathy or reaction she is quite expecting when myself and whoever is helping the classroom break into the rest of the chorus "It isn't fair. I've had enough, now I want my share." Poor kid, not being taken seriously. We quite enjoy it though...

Yawning all day

2006-03-09T19:04:00.000+11:00

So very tired... and so is at least one of the kids.

B2 reckons that often by week 8 in a normal term they are knackered and the last 2 weeks are a struggle or the kids just get really sick. 12 week terms coming up should be fun...

Had my last session with our current OT today. She is lovely, she is leaving us to work in an icky hospital coz the school doesn't pay her enough. Pay her more, I say!!!

Had a fire drill today... we couldn't hear it, we could have been crispy critters! I was able to put 3 of mine into the sand pit to sit down and the kids waited really well.

Dad dropped off Snow White and she was fine. A bit more hestitant than usual but she hasn't been with us much this week and it's hard that we haven't got the same routines happening.

Sleeping Beauty had a couple of naps today and was trying to climb into any lap she could find for a snuggle. This morning after she went to the toilet, as she does when she arrives, she walked straight into the classroom and towards her chair! That was great!

Cinderella was whiney again today but B2 reckons it may be related to the new baby at home. I should try to give her more attention whilst reminding her how we behave and take turns.

Goldilocks vomited a little but seemed ok. May have been some reflux. Later she had a bit of a fall transferring into her chair too fast and had a teary but didn't cry. Others in that class would have been howling.

Sometimes it really comes back to you that these kids are just 6 years old. They are sick, tired, naughty, unhappy at times just as much as anyone else. Working with little people is weird, teenagers you can treat like adults most of the time but I don't want to treat my kids like they are little kids or worse, little disabled kids. They need me to expect more of them than other people. Today I really felt like I could see changes for the better in the class especially Sleeping Beauty and Goldilocks. They are getting the hang of it. Pity they will forget it all over the holidays...

I scored two 4 drawer filing cabinets today. They will make great drawers for organising stuff in the room. The little things that make you happy, eh?

2 days to go... 2 days to go... 2 days to go

2006-03-08T17:52:00.000+11:00

2 days to go... 2 days to go... 2 days to go... 2 days to go... 2 days to go... 2 days to go... 2 days to go... 2 days to go... 2 days to go... but who's counting?

ME!

It's strange how one week I can have a cast of thousands in my room for one session - like the first and middle last week compared to 2 of us this week, and 2 and a bit for last session last week and this week heaps!

It was still a bit of a trial in the arvo when it's hard to keep the wrigglers interested when they are tired. Turns out Sleeping Beauty really responds to music (as well as balls and books) and Goldilocks doesn't like being left out of the group - it's all about the words you use with discipline...

Am tired and looking forward to the break. My foot is sore. One of my good kids, Cinderella, was mean and whiney today, it was dissapointing but very six years old.

The psychologist stopped by after class to see how I was doing. I was lying in a bean bag with my feet up in a choatic room (which i have left til tomorrow to clean up!) listening to beach sounds... a bit more relaxed than last week, yes.

Am off to a movie now, on a school night! wooeeeeee!

Those kids better not be my karma!

2006-03-07T22:09:00.000+11:00

The title refers to my response to a comment made at lunchtime yesterday... I wasn't that bad!

Physical program on a Tuesday still has no structure and so there is no control or engagement with Sleeping Beauty or Goldilocks. It's draining and frustrating.

Had a great chat with B2 after school. It was mainly coz I needed to understand some things about the reports but after that we had a bit of a chat and I felt that I was able to get to know her a little better. I think she is great at being supportive to B1 and keeping her mouth shut. It sells her a bit short, I think, as people see them as a team not individuals.

On the way out she asked if I thought I had made a good decision coming to work here. I don't believe that there are good or bad decisions, you make them and make the best of the consequences as you will never know what the other path would have been like. I feel happy about my job even when it is all going wrong and I am miserable. I feel very supported and like and trust the people I work with. Those are very important things to me. At week 5 and a half I can see a future at this school. I keep saying that if they like me and I like them at the end of my contract we will see what happens... there is a long way to go still.

Afterthought: My (previously) babysitting teacher is so frustrated with the teacher that has some of her students from last year that she thinks even throwing popcorn at the kids would be an improvement in their day!

Hell's Bells!

2006-03-06T19:42:00.000+11:00

So I cranked up the AC/DC and had another look at the reports... Hell's bells alright! Staff meeting this arvo was interesting in that a lot of people are stressed, frustrated, annoyed and confused - not just me! Get a bl**dy program! I should not have to be dealing with formatting glitches. I want a data base of learning outcomes I can click on to add, not cut and paste between different formats. Why are they making it hard for themselves? And then there's subjective and objective outcomes... I am a science nerd, I want objective not quasi, apparently objective bollocks!

Last week descended into emotional chaos... and that's why I didn't blog. Sorry. It was just too much. I really wanted to write after five weeks teaching, a reflective comparison with 5 weeks of teaching rounds... but thinking about teaching has to stop somewhere. I wrote some notes about the events of the week but I will try to flesh them out when/if I have time or inclination next week when I have holidays.

So, today... was ok. Goldilocks was noisy and nothing worked to settle her down. I think the middle of the week is best for her. She is too excited about being at school on Monday. It surprises me that with the amount of time I spend trying to get her to do something I want her to do, that her mum says to me today that she was wanting to go to school all weekend and talking about me a lot (in her own way). Wow!

This morning was ok, but it was really nice that the principal came down and would have helped in my class if it had been necessary. I am still a bit shy around her though. Middle session was going fair to middling when another teacher (a CRT for the PE teacher) came in and said I could have 45 mins to do what ever needed doing and she'd take my class. So I started doing the reports for my class and got very frustrated. I think I should have tidied my desk coz it adds so much to stress levels trying NOT to swear in front of your class! Sleeping Beauty was good in class, but tried to poke a stick in Little Red Ridinghood's eye in the sandpit at lunchtime!

Arvo was swimming which was nice. Saw Goldilocks in the pool for the first time, she could walk by herself with a bit of a bounce. It was nice to see her upright and unsupported. The pool is great for these kids.

CRT: Casual? Crisis? Relief Teacher

and another thing...

2006-02-28T18:56:00.000+11:00

Lesson planning for kids who can't sit still and have very short attention spans... plus I don't understand what they like and how to deliver it educationally.

Helicopter parents is apparently the term for 2 that I have the dubious pleasure of dealing with more than once every day....

Tears before bedtime

2006-02-28T18:39:00.000+11:00

How to describe what I am feeling today... tired and emotional almost covers it. I couldn't keep it together any longer at the end of today. Too much. Started getting all teary. Two of the kids went nuts at the end of the day. Actually, that's not true. They were their usual selves, I just couldn't handle it... and I am SO sick of the parents! I just wish they'd......... Chatted to one of the physios and got it back together (sort of) for the last of my induction sessions... we get to the end and I'm asked if I'm ok and then worse, I get a hug... so the tears come back and I scarper to the kitchen for another cup of tea with 3 sugars to try to calm me down before I start sobbing. Feel like such a dill for crying in front of the APs, but it was all a bit too much today. People keep asking how they can help and there's not much anyone can do, I have plenty of support for the stuff I need in the classroom but this is in my head. There is a guidance counsellor in tomorrow and one of the APs said she'd take over for me at the kids lunch time for me to speak to her. That's nice but if I get all teary and then have to have my photo taken, I'm not going to be happy. But if that happens I won't have been happy in the first place.

Idiot

2006-02-27T20:23:00.000+11:00

I am making myself miserable by being unable to live up to unrealistic expectations I have of myself. There is nothing wrong with work but what's in my head. I have run out of whatever nervous energy (adrenaline?) that has been keeping me going for the last four weeks. Today was ok, swimming is always good, my noisy disruptive kid was sick and my hitter didn't come in til lunch, then went on a PD thing to a special school down down the highway, the rooms we saw were really cool and mine feels so empty and disorganised. I keep feeling like I need to do more. How do I make limits for myself?

Panda

2006-02-26T13:07:00.000+11:00

My 5 little monkeys have turned into Pandas... they must have, because it was Panda-monium on Friday!

Friday drinks were good. Learnt more about the internal (infernal?) politics and workings of the primary school and made some new friends. I have some interesting facial expressions to watch out for in the two across the hall. Until now I hadn't found a decent pseudonym for them, at drinks I found they are often called the Princesses of Darkness or DNA... Are you thinking what I'm thinking? With their habit of dressing the same frequently I decided they will hence forth be known as B1 & B2 – that's far more in keeping with primary and I haven't noticed anything negative about them apart from their tendency towards seriousness... Ok, that should, perhaps, be a crime, but I need them a lot more than they need me... I find it sad though that every time I attempt to stir (one of my favourite pastimes) it falls completely flat. I may even give up... if I can stop myself! But I have found some places where the stir will be appreciated. Unfortunately, some of my co workers have found out that I can laugh 'til I snort and worked out a very good way of making it happen. I smile even thinking about it... next week will be interesting as I'm sure their aim will be to make me laugh at inappropriate times... and it will happen!

Friday we had a family fun afternoon. I finally met Cinderella's mum who is so hugely pregnant that her front looks kind of lumpy. It was really weird but I tried not to look. Cinderella won her race coz she can actually run! Everyone got a prize though. It was really hot and uncomfortable in the hall and it is still hard to get my new parents to separate from their kids. Gave Goldilock's family a copy of a photo I took of her on the computer. She is still and her hands aren't in her ears. They were thrilled to get such a good picture. The trick is turning the flash and the sound off on the camera and sneaking up on her...

School photo's on Wednesday... Eeek! What will I wear?

Friday was actually better than last week which was nice... and a lot better than Thursday!

Sigh

2006-02-23T18:46:00.000+11:00

I'm still tired and stressed.

Not about anything in particular either.

Drinking a pint of vodka, lemon lime and bitters and eating blue cheese on crackers.

By lunchtime, when my preps went home early for the last time, I was feeling very defeated. Despite great support and the rest of the day on APT I still feel quite that way. 2 of my kids are badly behaved in a way that has nothing to do with their disabilities. It makes it really hard to get anything done, the others miss out on attention and help and they frustrate the hell out of everyone. Not to mention my 2 pain in the butt parents (although one is better than the other).

Cheese gone.

I am also very tired. When I went into the staffroom to have my lunch before yard duty, I must have looked a bit the worse for wear. I said a little about ,my morning and when I sat down one of the other newish teachers (she had taught here before but was employed this year as the music teacher) moved to sit next to me and ask if I needed to talk about it. I shared my frustrations and got lots of support and a hug. I really need advice from people who have raised a pack of brats themselves about how to deal with behaviour that isn't appropriate whether you are disabled or not. It was nice that the specialists who only see my kids once a week said that they have already noticed improvements. I guess its hard when you see them every day to see the little stuff. Yeah, one may be sitting attentively (strangely at this school they call it attending – i.e. she attended well for at least 15 minutes – in my dreams!) for a little longer and she came up to me and said hello this morning, but... by hitting me! Swings and roundabouts, I guess.

At our computer session today the IT guy reckoned it could be September when everything starts to fall into place... I have to admit I was a little horrified. I am impatient I want them ALL to behave like civilised little people right now!

Drink gone... another?

Left at a reasonable time today and had a quick chat about similar things to one of the APs. She also thought I looked tired but thought it was good that I was still smiling. It would be good if she comes to play in my room and has a look at the class dynamics... I'll also see if I can have one of the wiser prep teachers across the hall come and see my little monkeys.

I just have to look at it as small changes leading to big stuff. I feel bad that I worked out that if one of my kids is lying on the floor coz she doesn't want to do what you want her to do... that she will get up and follow you if you hold a ball out in front of her... I feel like I am treating her like a puppy... At lunch people thought that was a good break though and if I can make the ball smaller and smaller 'til you just tell her to get up and come, then it is a great start to have found a motivator for her... I feel that they have a good point but it still feels a bit wrong when I do it. With my naughty 2 it is a definite battle of wills, which I guess I would have had with teenagers if I'd been teaching them too. I need to pick and choose my battles so they can win some but I win the important ones (another bit of received wisdom) but I don't know that I have the experience to decide which is which.

Meetings can have weird groups dynamics. It's hard not to laugh, sometimes I don't even try not to.

I am so looking forward to going to the footy on the weekend. I will have a good yell! It is on late Sunday arvo, I will probably have not so much voice left for Monday. I guess at least with only 5 kids I never have to yell or really raise my voice – that's nice I suppose...

So many...

2006-02-22T20:18:00.000+11:00

Am tired and finding it hard to think right now. Left work really late coz I was helping another teacher with some computer stuff. I don't mind helping someone learn stuff I can do because there are plenty of things I can't do that I will need advice and help with in the future. The school has some different programs to what I generally use so I learnt some new things too. Have to chase the IT guy tomorrow about an email I got sent today about getting a Department of Ed lap top in the next round. Can't get access to the website I need to sign up on (by 5pm tomorrow) from any computer I try. Neither at home or at school – on two different operating systems... tomorrow...

Had a good morning with the kids but Snow White's mum is still a pain. The head of junior school is getting on her case now, which is a relief to me. I need to maintain a good relationship with her but can't teach and tell her to rack off tactfully as well. SW was better today anyhow, and working a bit with the speechies was great as SW seems so much more confident when she has compics to point at. She will try harder to communicate. The pics from kinder are a bit random so we'll work at school on developing an effective communication method... I think she'll be much happier then.

Got some time off this arvo when my 'older' two went for an extra swim. I went down to watch for a bit and chat to the teacher who swam with Little Red Ridinghood last year and see what needs doing. Cinderella had some goggles for the first time and it made a great difference. I heard that all sorts of great improvements happened after I dragged my feet out of the pool and went back to do some work. So no more mucking about on Mondays! All laps and hard work for my little monkey from now on! Except for when we do a big bomb into the pool for a start...

I got a fridge in my room today! A bar fridge but unfortunately not ready stocked...

I need to get program folders up and running soon and a CRT folder and tidy my office space that looks like a paper explosion, and have a look at what I'll need to do for reports for my 'oldies'...

...disconnected thoughts...

Compic: Communication Pictures

Big Tuesday

2006-02-21T21:23:00.000+11:00

Went to a PSG at Snow White's integration primary school today. The school is great and her teachers are great, mum has issues, many issues. She is so negative she is bringing me down. Her take on everything is bad. She won't listen. Her kid is fine, especially when she is not around, but she wants to see everything that we do... It's not helping her kid any. It's getting hard to be polite. The other school are very firm, I guess they are used to her as her other daughter goes there, but it doesn't help us much yet... maybe it will in the end. The teachers from her school are going to come and visit us and see what we are doing in a couple of weeks. That will be good. I got to know one of the APs better on the car trip so that was good. I think I may have said too much, but I keep having that feeling...

At least I know my other two kids love me. Cinderella is being very affectionate now and ran to me after library saying she's missed me (coz I'd been away at the PSG for the morning) and Little Red Ridinghood always seems excited to see me. It will be good when I have the preps all day and get to know them a bit better. I don't need universal adoration but I have to spend all year with these kids, I want them to like me.

I have discovered that having only five kids to wrangle means that documentation and reporting is huge! And with the new system the government, in all it's wisdom is bringing in, it is apparently quite daunting for most staff. The wiser prep teachers across the hall said they'd help me after school one day and they reckon we could knock over the two older kids reports in an arvo. I like the sound of that. The preps are on a different time frame which is good. I really need to look into this paperwork stuff I am avoiding....

What else today... ummm more ~~indoctrination~~ induction after school, learnt how to put LRR in her standing frame, now just have to work it into the schedule... didn't do any direct teaching today and missed my rug rats, behaved in a silly fashion during yard duty – got one kid so excited she threw up! Oops! Prior to that had been being silly at lunch with my 2 non preps. They love it! My babysitting teacher who had my kids this morning said that things were a bit more serious last year across the hall, so the kids are having a bit of a new experience in teacher style... hehehe.

ok. need to do some cutting out and watch the last ten minutes of the OC. I should have been doing that all the way through. and this later... next week. If I remember it's on......

Mondays are too big for my poor brain

2006-02-20T21:14:00.000+11:00

Had a great time at swimming today with LRR and got some great feedback from one of the swimming helpers. She asked how long I had been teaching and she was surprised when I said 3 weeks and 1 day. She reckons I have a really good relationship with the kids and some teachers who have taught for years still aren't that way with the kids. Warm fuzzies! I just love working with my kids. They frustrate me and annoy me sometimes but who doesn't! Someone asked me where I had taught before the other day – or was that today, Monday is a big day – people seem to think I am fitting in well (which is nice) and seem to know what I am doing (doing a good job of faking it, apparently).

Snow White was back to day as was her clingy mum. Thankfully, she got a talking to from the head of primary and the other prep teacher and they told her she's just have to be brave and leave her at the door and get the office staff to take Snow White down to class. Tomorrow I have a meeting at her integration primary school, which her mum will be at, so her dad will take her to school, wish I could be in 2 places at once and see how she is with him.

Currently on high rotation in the CD player: 'A-Z of Kids songs' from the ABC... and I actually like some of them. I don't understand the 'Quartermaster's Store', but I like it. Cranking it up for 'Rockin' Robin'!

Strange as it may seem, I am a bit intimidated by the principal. She seems really nice, but she scares me just a little... Make of that what you will.

The eternal debate occurred again after swimming before school. What do you do about crap teachers in the system? I changed sides today and tried out some other arguments... There is no answer and I feel somewhat uncomfortable with the question when I can see how far away I am from how I want to be as a teacher. My swimming mate and the head of primary school went to a PD about mentoring last week and it seems she made a bit of a stir when she asked the question about what to do when at the end of the year she doesn't want to tick the no worries or the needs more time box, she wants a perhaps you should consider a different career box!

One of the teachers in primary school who I thought was going bitter when I first met her is actually very funny and great to ask questions of. I am getting to know the other two 'new to primary' teachers. They are very welcoming of questions and make me laugh. Perhaps it's bitter humour... or wry observation... or too much like the truth that if you didn't laugh you'd cry...

A thought from last week... where are my kids really at? Spent some time one on one with LRR and discovered she's not really as advanced as I thought she was. She talks the talk, but when you actually get her to do something for you... one of the physios agreed. He had a cool technical name for it but I forgot it immediately... I started thinking that if she's not where I thought she was, where are the others? With Goldilocks her eyesight is an interesting question. We don't really know yet how much she can see, how much of 'I want to see it closer' is genuine not another (I want my jacket off, shoes off, to look in the mirror, go outside, go for a walk, go to the toilet, a hug...) avoidance tactic. But she'll come out with some correct answers when you least expect it. It will be nice when Snow White settle in. She is a gem. An adorable child who is quite with it but timid and has a lot of difficulty communicating. Hope fully we'll get an idea of where she's at when she settles in a bit more.

Sleeping Beauty had a nap at her desk today. She's another one you wonder where she's at. She understands a lot of what's going on in general but isn't interested most of the time in what's on offer educationally. I guess that's up to me to fix.

I nearly fell asleep in the staff meeting this arvo.

I broke my window winder. If I'd known where some plyers were I could of done it myself but it was good to see the principal in action. I like women who can do stuff for themselves. The AP I like best wants to come play in my room and meet my kids. I'm told she tells good stories but I'd rather she didn't make LRR scream again... She says she doesn't like wussy kids.... I think I'll see if she'll come on Friday... that would be handy...

Darling, it's better, down where it's wetter.

U – Under the Sea

Eureka!

2006-02-17T21:02:00.000+11:00

I found the Friday after school drinking crew! It is so nice to wind down, debrief, whinge and get school out of your system before the weekend. It's also good to meet people you may be able to be friends with, but you don't work directly with.

I was telling one of the blokes about my theory of eyes and ears open, mouth shut and he reckons eventually when you hear all the different sides of what goes on in the place it doesn't seem like black and white any more just varying shades of grey.

Interesting observation from the senior school is that students there behave badly towards staff who treat them as if they don't have a brain. It's clear despite their disability that they know what's going on, but it's fully 'able' people who can't see or understand it.

I don't like Friday's at school. It's too hard. I have no specialists in or APT. My kids are a lot to handle at the moment and I don't have enough help on Friday with one of my SSOs off work with a broken pelvis! Maybe when my newies have settled in it will be easier and I wont feel like I'm short changing the well behaved students. I think that happens in all classes though – the squeeky wheel gets the oil.

First school assembly today. It was terrible. Embarrassing. Nice to meet some new kids though. I only had to take 2 kids but it turns out that last year Little Red Ridinghood had a screming fit at just about every assembly. Too many loud noises. However, the lovely librarian is very skilled at settling her down. I took LRR to a different spot when the first one started and was trying to calm her when I was rescued and she was right in less than a minute. The second time it started the lovely librarian just came and took her away... and then wizzed her around for a bit which worked wonders. After than when I suspected there might be a loud noise I helped her to cover her ears! It is something I will keep in mind for next time.

High schools are all about photocopying. This school is all about laminating.

SSO: School Support Officer. Usually these are office staff but here it covers office staff, program workers, helpers etc...

Thursday, Week 3, Day 14

2006-02-16T20:25:00.000+11:00

Primary meeting this morning was made very much better by the apple crumble that one of the other teachers brought in. It was great! It may have been the sugar that made me agree to be the primary school rep on the social committee. It didn't sound too hard, no one else was keen, and events are something I can handle both ideas and organisation wise so I shouldn't feel too out of my depth. I think there are worse ways of getting involved in the school community.

Had my first team meeting this arvo, I went ok. My physio and OT are really nice to work with, it feels like we are all trying to do the same thing. Heading in the same direction is a great feeling, even if none of us are exactly sure what we are doing yet (this is mainly because the preps are so new to us and to school). I think having a supportive team takes some of the pressure off me and means I don't have to be a stand alone teacher – just me in the classroom type thing.

My Snow White was away again and the wiser teachers across the hall recommended that I give mum a call and see how she is going. Just to keep in touch at this early stage and let the kid know we miss her... It was the right thing to do, mum was very appreciative and kid had given the cold to dad – a sweet and sharing lass! She is well enough to go to her integration school tomorrow though. I have to go to a meeting there on Tuesday and I will have seen her for a total of 9/12 days only 6 without her mum present. It's not a lot to go on and I don't know what will happen at this meeting.

We had further discipline issues today with Goldilocks and may have to have a time out or naughty chair. We will present decisions differently and have consequences. I spoke to mum briefly at 12 and they don't have any particular way of responding to her 'strong willed' nature but are happy for us to give different things a try. As much as I feel I am neglecting my better behaved kids to deal with this we need to get on top of things in a firm and consistent way now. It will drive me mental otherwise!

I am getting better at the words and actions to 5 little monkeys and More little monkeys (6 to 10). It is my release valve. If I have to fill for a bit or need to get a different attitude happening we either read or put the music on. It makes me feel better as sometimes they are very very easy to imagine as 5 little monkeys going bananas!

From reading other teaching blogs, I suspect that the feeling that I could always be doing more is going to be a keeper! This will be one of the great learning experiences of teaching. How to pull back whilst staying enthused. Being a good teacher without burning out. A blog alone will not keep me sane..............

Wednesday = Hump day

2006-02-15T20:01:00.000+11:00

Am starting to notice politics about the place. Eyes and ears open and mouth shut (...if I can remember that last bit).

Am getting a lot of positive feedback about how I am going. It helps that the last teacher in my room was apparently crap (and even said out loud that she considered that all she was doing was babysitting). It also helps with that feeling that I'm not where I want to be as a teacher. That will take time but I am ever impatient.

I have some classroom/student management issues. Including a mother who's not keen on the word no and a student who is very loud, uncooperative and disruptive. I feel a bit out of my depth with behavioural management of small children. I will try a few things and ask around for suggestions.

My student with the clingy mum hasn't been to school at all this week. It will be hard for her to come back and harder for the mum, perhaps. She has had a head cold – the sniffles or really sick? We shouldn't make judgements. I have this strange lingering feeling that I won't see her again. But the kid has to go somewhere and from the sounds of it the primary school she is having an integration day at are keen for her to be with us for a while. We'll see.

My lesson planning keeps going wrong. Their attention span is so short but it takes so long to get anything started. I'll get a balance eventually, I hope. It's just frustrating.

Got chairs with boards for my two tippers and they seem to work quite well. The aim is not to need to tie them in, one day, in the future (in a galaxy far far away...).

Grown up? What, me???

2006-02-14T18:21:00.000+11:00

Just a quick post as I'm off to give blood. The only thing my heart is involved in this St Valentines day!

Today was pretty good. Arrived early, got stuff done. Only had 3 kids As Sleeping Beauty had a Drs appointment and -let's call her- Snow White who was away yesterday too has a head cold. The two who are with me all day are getting used to me now, I need to start putting some ground rules down about what my limits are I guess... otherwise we can just find out kind of organically, I guess.

Had just me and and aide in the morning and we did some games, singing 5 Little Monkeys and reading the book and some counting (and singing...) with the apples on our tree [except the song is the same tune as 10 green bottles, so we kept singing wall instead of tree!]. Middle session I had time off for good behaviour and they went to Music and Library! After lunch (-:yard duty is still fun:-), We had physical program with another class. We set up a course up, over, through soft big obstacles, along a beam, up and down stairs and some throwing and catching too. It was great to work one on one with a student as you really get to see their improvement. And whilst this was happening the physio got me some chairs with boards on the bottom to try tomorrow!

Could not convince Cinderella that I was just a big kid. “No. You're a grown up!” {sigh} I guess it's official then...

Had some induction thing today after school. It was ok, got to ask questions, found out stuff.

Kept seeing the principal out of the corner of my eye today, she seemed to be everywhere I was going past. Odd.

Monday: Week 3

2006-02-13T20:10:00.000+11:00

Monday. It's hard to find much to say because there is so much I feel I need to be doing... So I have done some of it already.

I came home earlier than I probably would have because the computer in my room is crap and old and I haven't got my grubby mitts on department of education laptop (with the wireless internet through the school) yet. The computer didn't have a clue what to do with my memory stick, so I figured it would be better just to come and do stuff at home where it will also be easier to download pictures I took of the kids today and just burn it all on to a disk to take in tomorrow.

And I have cutting out to do!

Today was fine. Slightly chaotic as usual. Sleeping Beauty was very alert and talkative (in her own way) today. She knows what's going on but is just not interested in it. We are still working on the games you like - we do not think they are funny... No chucking stuff on the floor. No hitting other kids. No grabbing glasses. And if you want to sulk about it, that's fine. Student management! Little Red Ridinghood chucked a 'nana at me after swimming, we'd had fun, although I found she is a lot more distracted with her good mate Cinderella around. Not happy with something whilst we were getting changed, that turned into a crying screaming thing that she is apparently well known for, that made me feel quite bad because I couldn't make it better... She had settled down by the time she was waiting for the bus...

Got some maths books for Cinderella as I feel I should be doing more for her at this point... some revision then get her going on some new work. She works well independently which is a relief. Will have to think out a plan of attack (or even a lesson plan.........) for money, time and a continuation of adding and subtracting.

School photo's coming up soon, bugger.

PPPPPP

2006-02-10T18:48:00.000+11:00

Prior

Planning

Prevents

P___ (pathetically, piss, predictably) Circle the word I am most likely to use in this blank.

Poor

Performance

It wasn't really my fault, but it made my life a tad more exciting than I really want to have to deal with a) on a Friday b) on my own. I thought we had a physical program and had no plan as I thought I'd make one up with the physio... it had gone pear shaped last friday too but I was told that was because my physio was away. Turns out, I don't have a physio session then at all... So when the kids were a bit ratty coming in from play I let them loose for a bit thinking we'd pull it back together... To keep them in the classroom and try to get things going in an educational direction (with no help) I had to lock the classroom door top stop them escaping! It was a bit difficult getting anything productive out of the two destructive students because I could only be with one at a time at the tables, but until I have them in chairs they can't tip over when strapped in, I can't line them all up and do a game or story by myself. It was really frustrating that I felt I wasn't teaching productively,especially the two who need the extension work. I felt like I was wasting time. But it happens and I have re-planned my fridays. I will also do an updated needs chart for when I really would like extra help.

What else happened today? The morning went well. We played a cool game about hiding and I managed to slot in some 'values' education with bringing in the Fair Go area with We wait patiently for our turn. Somehow it's also our health area too but I'm not sure how it is supposed to fit yet. After lunch I got some 1 on 1 time with ummm... lets call her Cinderella (coz otherwise in a few months time I won't have a clue who I was talking about when and that will make it really hard to chart progress). We did some math coloring. The the OT brought my other grade one back... lets call her Little Red Ridinghood, coz she's got red hair like me. And I tried to do some work with her whilst Cinders worked independently. Can't do the same things with her because she doesn't have the same motor control of her hands, so cut and paste and write are not things she can do independently. Have to find some math songs and tapes so she can do it visually and verbally. This is way harder than Bloom's... [non teachery types just ignore that last bit, it's about catering to different learning styles blah, blah...].

Picture of my classroom. It's another from my phone. The yellow bit out the door is the courtyard I can let them loose in! Very handy! Also means I can get fresh air in without worrying that they will escape.

I feel like I have so much I want to get done over the weekend for school, but really don't want to think about it too much! One day I will be committed... yes, probably to a loony bin.

A a

2006-02-09T22:31:00.000+11:00

It's not easy work and I have rather a high stress level. However, I am feeling pretty good. I may get the hang of this and when things work it will be very rewarding (When it doesn't, I will want to bang my head against a wall – but who doesn't have that feeling sometimes in a job? - there have been frustrating moments so far but believing change is possible and this is just a beginning makes things more positive... I'm still not 100% comfortable with the behavioural change I am going to have to find a way of making in these kids but know I need to be firm and trouble shoot before they make me really annoyed – coz that won't work the same as it would on kids 10 years older...). The people I work with are great, lots of humour and concern for each other (and me!), which makes it a nice place to be. The leak in my room has been fixed. High 5 seems pretty cool – although I am assured I will hate it by the end of the year! - even if I can't work out who's who just yet. The parents of the preps seem to be getting a grip, if only they could arrive on time it would be great. It really mucks my timing up when they arrive ½ an hour late.

Today we tried to do some literacy stuff that included colouring in. One of my formerly free range kinder kids wanted to draw on the blank side – no interest in annie apple (guess which letter we are starting with!) and after tearing the paper, getting a few stickers on successfully before boredom set in I discovered it you did it, whilst telling them what you are doing i.e. I'll just colour the tree in green for you... suddenly I get “Can I help?” The very small victories feel pretty good. Little steps, little steps. Computers today was great. Sleeping Beauty who doesn't appear to find much interesting was totally engaged. Another small victory no throwing stuff or wandering and she wasn't even buckled into her chair. The two mentioned in this paragraph surprised me by working well and focussing when there wasn't someone beside them – helping or perhaps distracting them. Interesting.

Free range kinder kids

2006-02-08T19:18:00.000+11:00

The day didn't start all that well... I found out via a game of chinese whispers that one of the new mums isn't sure she made the right choice of school for her child. The head of junior school tells me this following – it's not a reflection on you... I understand that intellectually, but it's quite hard not to feel it. It just needs time, but it's hard when she won't let go. It makes it harder for her daughter to adjust too. In the end, it's the parents choice and they have the right to doubts.

The Bob the Builder CD has some really dodgy songs on it, even the owner of the CD, Ms 6, says “This is the silly song.”

I love it when kids look at you as if you are completely out of your mind. One of mine asked at lunch who the person sitting on the mat with the toys outside the other classroom was. I said it looked like someone's Dad, but maybe it was a really big new prep from P2. The look on her face with the reply “I don't think so” was priceless!

The literacy program is coming together, but keeping the attention of one of the newies is very hard. We haven't quite worked out how to get through to her and she needs a lot of work with not pulling off people's glasses and not throwing stuff away if she doesn't want it. And her mum wants her to try proper underpants tomorrow not 'pull ups'... she'll send a couple of changes of clothes, but I'm more worried about how accidents will disrupt the class (and make a mess...). I never expected to know this much about my students – no matter what their age!

We tried out the physical program we planned yesterday, it needs some tweaking but it was good to have the right people in the right places and the kids having virtually one on one attention. Had some problems with my Sleeping Beauty needing a nap part way through but we have decided to let her nap, but only for a short period each time so she doesn't miss out on too much.

The afternoon session my two remaining kids got an extra swim and I got extra APT. I got some stuff done, but there is so much to get going at the start of term and all sorts of crap in my classroom from the previous teacher that I don't know whether it is important or not...

An interesting comment from the other prep teachers was made about the difference between kinder and school. It is very structured at school and the kids have to sit and focus for periods of time. At kinder they mostly just roam around and do what want when they want. It is a big change. I should try to to expect too much too soon and keep in mind that my formerly free range kinder kids may be finding the change not to their liking.

Two of the prep parents say that their kids are loving coming to school. One screams when the bus arrives and was disappointed last Saturday that she wasn't going on the bus to school! The other, despite being very tired and apparently not interested, is happy to come to school and babbles excitedly when she gets home. 4/5 ain't bad and in time we'll get no. 5 settled in.

APT: Approved Planning Time (YAY!)

How was school today?

2006-02-07T20:27:00.000+11:00

I don't feel the need to write much today as I had a great day, full on and tiring, as to be expected, but things seem to be coming together. So, I suppose I should write about why it was good (I wouldn't want this to turn into a whiny blog...).

Time with all my kids this morning went quite well. Many were late again – so another late start – but this time I was prepared for it and had less planned... that doesn't sound how I meant it... I planned to do things that would take a shorter amount of time so we had morning tea at the right time, but it was extendible if we had have had more time. We did a fairly abbreviated morning circle, but that was good as I'll want to keep it as a short but regular start to the day when we have other programs up and running.

One of my kids is doing much better now we get her to walk using her kaye walker when we need her to move from, or between, chairs. She gets more position changes, is less fidgety and easier to transfer, not to mention the benefits to her. At recess I spent some time playing with another of my new students. As I knew I had APT next with the kids going to Music and Library sessions, it was well worth putting off the cup of tea and toilet break to spend some time getting to know her doing something fun. We played ball in the semi open courtyard that our classroom backs onto and one of my kids who is mobile and very self directed came out to play ball with us too. The new girl can throw really well and isn't bad at catching if you prompt about where to position her arms. It was also a nice reminder that even if kids don't talk, they might well be listening very carefully.

Got some more stuff sorted out in the way of paperwork and found some good resources for teaching literacy in some random folders that had been left in the classroom. I just need to find some time to spend a while reading them! I am still getting a lot of help from the teacher who is pregnant. It is great to have her get little things done, like printing and laminating, for me whilst I try to get a grip on the big new concepts.

When I took the parents up to the library to pick up the new preps, one of them was conked out asleep on the carpet. She has been really tired every day and struggling at times to stay awake in class. I might need to get a mat and create a quiet corner for naps when she starts full time. Her mum was a bit worried but I reassured her that even some of the kids in the senior school need a nap sometimes. She was relieved. I guess it makes you feel like your kid isn't the odd one out.

I had yard duty second half of lunch. The playground is being refurbished so I was on duty in the courtyard mentioned previously. It was fun, except when I hit my head on the air conditioner that hangs outside my room and into the courtyard... and the kids laughed at me! I played ball with lots of kids and it was good to get to know some of the others around who are not in my class. It would be better if I had a clue what their names were, but that will take time.

In the afternoon with just the two older students, we had a physical program with the physio. We rode bikes up to a new area I hadn't seen before and played on some swings and stairs and balance things and I got to see the trampoline! It was cool except for the ooky water in the pit underneath it. For the physio it was time she could do some assessment before getting to know the new ones and I was just learning what went on in their department and what cool toys they had!

After school we had a meeting that I had only heard about round 15 minutes before it happened. About 5 minutes before I get a phone call... “Hi, Oh and by the way the meeting is in your room and A, B, C, D, E & F will be there soon.” Oh-Kay... The meeting was actually really good. I felt like I didn't really put much in ideas wise, but managed to help with a few observations about the new students. My class has 2 sessions of physical program paired with another class. We worked out groups for these two sessions and who would help where and what sort of stuff they would be doing. It means we have something to go with tomorrow mid morning and programs are taking shape. My team are all young which is a nice change to hanging out with the teachers who are mostly a lot older than me (except my babysitter – but she's pregnant and leaving!). Methinks it's the therapists who go out for a drink on a Friday arvo too...

Don't expect this much on other good days...
Funny thing is I'm still stressed though. But it took nearly 5 weeks on teaching rounds to feel ok, so, this being the real thing (!), I don't really expect to feel settled 'til part way into term 2. I'm sure I'll be fine by the end of this term but then I'll have 2 weeks off and be nervous starting again.....

Wimming with me?

2006-02-06T20:16:00.000+11:00

Wimming with me?

Yep! I'm swimming with you.

Where your bathers?

Over there, see the bag?

What colour?

Are my bathers?

Yeah.

Black. What colour are yours?

Pink!

One of my better conversations with one of my students. Swimming was excellent!* We both enjoyed it. Unfortunately only one of my kids was able to swim. The other's mum had been sick on Friday and couldn't get her to school and so didn't get the message that swimming was definitely starting this week. She told me she had a fun afternoon colouring, so I didn't feel so bad she had missed out. In the pool we did all sorts of fun stuff and the student I was with was happy and confident in the water. We both had fun and it was a great way to get to know my student better and see them in a different environment – rather than in the classroom or in their wheelchair. And she seems to have learnt my name. That was kind of cool.

Today was really full on but I think I need to realise that most days will be like that with these high needs kids. I'm just hoping that the slight patina of panic will fade from the proceedings eventually. Things didn't go to plan today (not that there was much of one to start with) but I should get used to that too... 9am and I didn't have any students! Some had apparently slept as badly as me the night before and struggled with getting up too. So, we started really late and struggled to get through everything before we needed to start morning tea. Morning tea was late, we kind of missed play, then we didn't know what we were doing for the next session, literacy, so we went out into the courtyard for our own play and eventually got a bit of a plan together... One of the aides who helps out a lot in my classroom wasn't in today because she's in hospital with a broken pelvis! This could make things interesting especially with my two very active preps.

On a positive note, we are getting to know the kids better. Our groupings look like the two older students to further their literacy gains from last year, the two more aware? able? interested? advanced? (it's very difficult to find the right words...) together to start learning the alphabet and writing skills and we will need to get the speechie working with us to work on simple communication and choice making with our other student. She's just not at the same spot and has different needs at this stage. The thing I am finding hardest with this student is the need for discipline. She needs a lot of no! Her mum lets her get away with all sorts of grabbing, throwing, hitting that don't appear to be disability related. It will take some time to find ways of saying no to her and encouraging better behaviour. I guess that's teaching too, but not exactly what I had in mind.

Staff meetings are boring.

* Yes, one of the major reasons I wanted to work at this school was the presence of the swimming pool!

Cyber slacking

2006-02-05T13:38:00.000+11:00

Compared to my nerves last week, I think the coming Monday is more daunting than the first one as I now start to understand how much I still have to learn!

I am trying to do some stuff for work (time tables, lesson plan type things – programs) but am procrastinating. At least some things never change.

I feel more sick to the stomach now that I see how much work I have to do and how little of my role I comprehend. It churns in my mind and I find it hard to even find the questions to ask that would help me out of this state. I wish I was better at taking things slowly and letting the knowledge come to me over time, but I want it now. It’s not a helpful attitude but how do you change something that seems to be part of who you are?

Now that I have a little understanding of the procedural arrangements of school, my thinking turns to my actual teaching. What am I doing now, what am I going to do next and why am I doing it? What do my students need and what do I need to teach them to meet this need? What goals do they have? I know some of this will be explored in PSG meetings later in the month and with the team I am working with but I feel I should be moving towards that now. It’s hard to know which way to go when you don’t know where you are going. I’ll leave it there, I think, as more questions aren’t really going to help me at this stage and I’m sure I am starting to sound like a pretentious wanker!

Papercuts and turtles

2006-02-04T11:25:00.001+11:00

Had technical difficulties posting this last night.

I got a paper cut today, it was inevitable really considering how much of the stuff I pull out of my pigeon hole each day (Why is it called a pigeon hole? When will I get a pigeon?).

I was so tired yesterday evening but my head was going round in circles (not quite like in the exorcist though!) I even ended up dreaming about school, but as that was the first night it had happened, so I think I've been doing pretty well at stress management. Feel much better tonight, swimming in the morning seems to give me more energy at night – weird. As much as I am glad it is the weekend I kind of don't really want to stop the momentum...

Am trying to cover the important things that happened yesterday, but what seemed important yesterday isn't necessarily what seems important today...

I forgot the roll yesterday again and felt bad coz I got paid... and after a couple of years of part time work it felt like heaps... I'm sure once I feel more justified, I won't think it's enough! I forgot the roll 'til last thing today too and I actually had kids away. One at integration and one didn't arrive. So I had three, which you'd think would be easy..............

Oh, yeah, yesterday... my clingy mum actually left and her daughter was fine. She's a bit timid and close to tears sometimes but communicated a lot more with us both verbally and with signs. The other student who isn't very communicative has started using her voice. Yesterday it was just NO, but today she was saying other things, but not so we could quite make sense of it. It's a great start though and something that the speechies can work on. I was told that my two older students were just as quiet when they started and came out of their shells eventually. It gave me hope that as a team we can make a big difference to these new kids. Seeing the change in one week where we haven't even got programs running, seeing how their comfort in the new environment increases makes me think that their potential is huge. It makes me impatient to understand how the school works and get things running and formalised, but today I learnt that this school has it's own time zone, you just have to relax into it and it's better for the kids if you do (or so the physio running the PD arvo said). The specialists are pretty laid back about getting things running, emphasising getting to know the kids first... but I feel like I should be able to justify what I am doing in terms of teaching. I guess, I can, but it's not what I want to be doing, ad hoc, unstructured lessons but being able to run a session by making it up as I go along is better than time doing nothing. They will get something out of it even if I'm not really sure what I wanted it to be... Maybe at this point I am just learning about them so I can know them well enough to plan properly for their development. I certainly learnt a lot about them today!

I had a session that didn't go to plan and it ended up just me and 3 students, including 2 new preps. The preps haven't learnt how they need to behave at school yet, as it appears to be my job to teach them... it is harder than I had anticipated, but uses the same structures as with other people I guess. Set up expectations of certain behaviours and remind, and remind, and remind again and reinforce with positive feedback. You can't really punish 6 year olds like you do a teenager but at least one of them may be able to understand consequences of actions and learn from it i.e. You throw things you will not get them to hold... but then you have to keep giving them chances to practice or learn it... and so you have to keep picking things up from the floor... One of them has a great trick – asking for a drink then holding her drink bottle upside down and squeezing it all over the floor! I hope we can get her out of that idea of a game soon. I'm not sure I like having to manage discipline with small children. As I may have mentioned previously they need to learn how to sit on a chair and stay there... two of my students are strapped with seat belts into chairs when we are doing work. This made life very interesting for me when I was alone today... the two preps I had today were the grab and throw kind whilst attempting to stop one from tipping her chair whist reaching for something just out of her grasp I turned my back on the other... I turn back... she has upended her chair and is crawling to reach the ball she really wanted – with the chair still attached to her! She looked like a turtle or a little pesky snail! Gave me a bit of a fright!!

So week one has passed without major incident. The head of primary told me about her first day of teaching at school today, it involved a student with a fractured skull, an ambulance and her going home in tears thinking her career as a teacher was over before it had begun... Makes my week seem just peachy!

Had PD on meal assistance and lifting this afternoon, as usual, I was well looked after and my one remaining kid was already organised to go somewhere else for the afternoon. The meal assistance was great with practical exercises to experience swallowing whilst concentrating on it and then try it with some of the limited facial muscle movements that the kids have. Very good at getting the point across. It was hard to stay awake during the talking coz I was tired and starving. I wolfed down my lunch in the short break and it was a lot easier to stay awake in the lifting session. There are trainees in – not sure what, disability something – who were at the session and it was interesting to hear a couple of them... - I hope this finishes on time, we finish at 3.15 and the clock watching and commenting (not even quietly) as the time drew near. They are being paid and that is the level of commitment that they have? I guess it happens in every job, and I have done it in some, but I expected more, maybe because of the nature of the work, but that's not really fair... Dunno. People do things for all sorts of reasons and who am I to judge?

Am going to try not to do too much school stuff this weekend but will feel so much better if I do.

erk

2006-02-02T21:32:00.000+11:00

i wrote it.
i lost it somewhere coz i am too tired now to think straight
i am sulking
i really liked what I wrote
be more careful next time

Day 3

2006-02-01T21:43:00.000+11:00

I am being buried by enough paper to have denuded a small forest so far. Administrivia sux.

I forget the roll and I only have 5 kids!

My room leaks when it rains.

I swam this morning and feel much better this evening, far more energy.

I had too much fun this afternoon for it to have been educational :o)

Classroom management in my brave new world means teaching the kids how to sit on a chair, how to wait their turn, when to speak and when to listen... and I spent 2 years imagining I'd be reinforcing this behaviour in teenagers not actually trying to get it to happen in the first place.